As a firstborn, one of the earliest and most significant lessons you learn as a child is the importance of sharing. This pivotal transition occurs when you move from being the sole focus of your parents' attention as an only child to navigating the complexities of sharing your parents, your space, your time, your energy, and so much more with younger siblings. This shift can be both enlightening and challenging, as it introduces the concept of cooperation and the necessity of compromise into your young life.
I vividly recall the moments in school when my friends would jokingly tease me about my propensity to share. They would laugh as I meticulously split the last biscuits down to three pieces, ensuring that everyone got an equal share, even if it meant sacrificing my own enjoyment. This behavior not only reflected my upbringing but also showcased a deep-seated belief in fairness and equality. Sharing became a fundamental part of my identity, shaping my interactions and relationships with others. It instilled in me a sense of responsibility, as I often felt the need to ensure that everyone around me felt included and valued. It's also the reason behind why I have made a career out of sharing all the lessons I'm learning while on the journey of finding myself.
However, as I have grown older and navigated the complexities of adulthood, this ingrained habit of sharing, which I once viewed as a positive trait, led to a rather unexpected situation that I had not anticipated. Initially, my willingness to share my thoughts, feelings, and resources with others seemed like a natural extension of my empathetic nature. I believed that fostering connections and offering support would strengthen my relationships and create a sense of community. However, over time, I began to realize that this unrestrained openness was not always reciprocated in a healthy manner.
As I continued to extend my hand to help others, I found myself feeling overwhelmed by the emotional weight of their burdens. The act of sharing became a double-edged sword. Instead of cultivating mutual understanding and support, it often left me feeling taken advantage of, as though my kindness was being exploited rather than appreciated. I started to experience a profound sense of burnout, where the energy I once derived from helping others transformed into a draining cycle of giving without receiving. This depletion was not merely physical; it seeped into my emotional and mental well-being, leaving me feeling undervalued and unappreciated.
In this healing and self-discovery journey, I came to understand the critical importance of saying "no", setting boundaries and keeping somethings to myself. So it's no surprise that I found myself recently facing accusations of gatekeeping. The term suggests that I am holding back, not doing enough to help others reach the heights of success that I have achieved. There is a part of me that recognizes the validity of their claims; they are not exactly wrong. Let's talk about it.
When I got my first job, I was filled with a sense of excitement and accomplishment that came with entering the workforce for the very first time. The thrill of earning my own money and the independence that came with it was exhilarating. In my eagerness to share this newfound experience with those I cared about, I would often encourage my friends and family to come and use the free Wi-Fi and resources available at my workplace. I thought it was a generous gesture, a way to extend the joy I felt about my job to the people I loved. However, at that time, I didn't fully grasp how inappropriate it might have been to invite them to utilize a resource that was intended for employees and clients of the business. My intentions were pure; I was simply happy to share the perks of my new position, but my actions lacked consideration for the boundaries that should have been respected in a professional environment.
I also used to share every little detail about myself with my friends and family to build connections and find solace only to find myself the topic of inside jokes and ridicule. I thrived in radical honesty but as I have grown into a woman, I have learnt to protect my childlike essence from people who thirst for power or gossip at the expense of integrity. As I looked back on my past, I realized most people egged me on to tell them more about myself; they knew of my quirks & qualities, not to appreciate me but to exploit me, especially the things that hurt me. Meanwhile, offering me embellished cover stories or lies about themselves. Moreover, I found myself in situations where I didn't mind if my friends dated my exes, nor did I have any qualms about my family members dating my friends. This lack of concern for the potential awkwardness or discomfort it might cause in our social circles was something that made others cringe. I was oblivious to how these actions could complicate relationships and create tension among friends and family. In hindsight, these examples serve as a clear reflection of my struggle with establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries in my personal and professional life. I was navigating the complexities of relationships without a solid understanding of the importance of boundaries, which are crucial for fostering mutual respect and understanding among individuals.
The absence of clear limits left me vulnerable, as I continuously prioritized the needs and feelings of others over my own. How could it not lead to such an emotional turmoil? Without boundaries to protect my own well-being, I found myself in a constant state of imbalance. I was giving pieces of myself away, often to those who did not recognize or respect the sacrifices I was making.
As I reflect on these past experiences, it becomes evident that my actions were not just innocent missteps but rather indicative of a deeper issue regarding my awareness of boundaries. I realize now that healthy boundaries are essential for protecting one's emotional well-being and for ensuring that relationships are built on a foundation of respect and consideration for one another's feelings and experiences. The lessons I learned from these early days have been invaluable, guiding me toward a more mindful approach in my interactions with others. It has prompted me to think critically about how my actions affect those around me and to strive for a balance that honors both my desires and the comfort of others.
In light of these reflections, I begun to delve deeper into the complex and multifaceted concept of gatekeeping and its various nuances. While I have always held a firm belief in the importance of sharing knowledge and creating opportunities for others, I have come to recognize how my approach may have inadvertently fostered feelings of resentment, entitlement, and unrealistic expectations on both sides of the equation. This introspection led me to ponder whether my inclination to share resources and insights was sometimes a subconscious attempt to buy the love, respect, and loyalty that I have always craved from those around me. I began to question whether my desire to be seen as helpful and supportive might have overshadowed the need for others to cultivate their own paths and experiences. In light of these profound reflections, I became resolutely committed to reevaluating my approach to interactions and relationships. I want to ensure that my actions truly align with my core values of collaboration and support, while also embracing my deep craving for relationships characterized by genuine vulnerability and reciprocity. Additionally, I recognize the importance of trusting others to navigate their own lives and challenges independently, without my undue influence or interference.
It is essential to acknowledge that the journey to success is often fraught with obstacles and challenges that can seem insurmountable. While receiving support from others is undoubtedly a vital aspect of that journey, it is equally crucial to actively encourage and foster a sense of self-reliance among individuals. I have come to realize the significance of recognizing and appreciating those who lift you up during difficult times, as this acknowledgment allows for a reciprocal relationship where support flows both ways. However, I also understand the necessity of establishing healthy boundaries and cultivating a sense of healthy indifference towards those who may wish to take advantage of generosity and kindness; this includes the envious, the resentful, and the narcissistic individuals who can drain emotional resources and disrupt the balance of supportive relationships. By being mindful of these dynamics, I aim to create an environment where genuine connections can flourish, free from the toxicity of unrealistic expectations and the pitfalls of dependency.
So, yes, there are indeed various aspects of my life, my personality, my aura, and my social life that I choose to gatekeep from certain individuals, and I do so for valid reasons that are deeply personal and known only to me. This practice of selectively sharing parts of myself is not merely a defensive mechanism but rather a thoughtful approach to maintaining my own well-being and fostering healthy, meaningful relationships with those who truly deserve my trust and openness.
I recognize that there are moments in life when it is essential to step in and offer help and support to others, extending a hand when someone is in need or struggling. This act of kindness can be incredibly rewarding and can strengthen the bonds we share with those around us. However, there are also critical moments when it is necessary to step back, to withhold my presence or my resources, and to protect my emotional and mental space. This discernment is crucial, especially when I have observed a consistent pattern of behavior from certain individuals that indicates that my efforts may not be recognized, valued, or appreciated.
For instance, if someone repeatedly demonstrates a lack of respect for my boundaries or takes my kindness for granted, it becomes increasingly clear that my willingness to engage and support them may not be reciprocated. In such cases, I find it necessary to reassess the dynamics of our relationship. This is not about shutting people out entirely but rather about being mindful of how and when I invest my time and energy. It is about understanding that my emotional and financial resources are finite, and I must allocate them wisely to ensure that I am nurturing relationships that are reciprocal and fulfilling.
Moreover, gatekeeping certain aspects of my life allows me to create a safe space where I can truly be myself without fear of judgment or misunderstanding. It enables me to build connections with individuals who appreciate and respect the complexities of my identity, rather than those who might exploit my openness or take advantage of my vulnerabilities. This careful curation of whom I let into my inner circle is not an act of malice or exclusion but rather a protective measure that ultimately contributes to healthier interactions and a more balanced social life.
In conclusion, while it may seem counterintuitive to withhold parts of myself from others, I firmly believe that this practice is essential for my own well-being and for the cultivation of relationships that are both meaningful and enriching. It is a delicate balance of giving and withholding, of being present and knowing when to withdraw, all of which are vital components of navigating the complexities of human interactions.
I will leave you with one of my favorite poems, in case you are considering gate keeping parts of yourself for your own well-being. Whenever you feel guilty for it, it's a little something to remind you that you are not that important in other people's journey to happiness and success.
The Indispensable Man
by Saxon White Kessinger
Sometime when you’re feeling important;
Sometime when your ego ‘s in bloom;
Sometime when you take it for granted,
You’re the best qualified in the room:
Sometime when you feel that your going,
Would leave an unfillable hole,
Just follow these simple instructions
,And see how they humble your soul.
Take a bucket and fill it with water,
Put your hand in it up to the wrist,
Pull it out and the hole that’s remaining,
Is a measure of how much you’ll be missed.
You can splash all you wish when you enter,
You may stir up the water galore,
But stop, and you’ll find that in no time,
It looks quite the same as before.
The moral of this quaint example,
Is to do just the best that you can,
Be proud of yourself but remember,
There’s no indispensable man.
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