As we near the end of 2022, I have been reflecting on all that I have learnt in this year and what I want out of the year to come. I have quite a lot to share to help my ex-people pleasing firstborn daughter stay the course, so let’s dive right into it.
1. Argue with people more.
If you are already a confrontational person, then this advice is not for you. But if you, like me, are somebody who avoids conflict at all cost, then this is for you.
Yes, we are nice and friendly because we will laugh off a hurtful or offensive statement to maintain good vibes. We will bite our tongue, fake a smile, force a laugh, or hold back tears just to avoid the possibility of conflict with somebody we care about. But this leads to chaos inside of ourselves.
This has been the biggest hit to my mental health because although I maintained a happy and joyful exterior, I bear the wounds of all the battles I successfully avoided.
So I encourage you to express you anger, hurt and frustration in the moment, before it turns to rage and resentment. Even if you successfully avoid conflict (out of fear, respect or a lack of knowledge on how to defend yourself), over time, this habit will damage your relationships with those people and with yourself
Growing up, I was always told, "When someone says or does something that hurts you, pretend you didn't see, hear or notice to maintain the peace". This has been the worst advice I have ever received, even if it came from some who I loved and respected. The emotional labour you perform to please other people(people who have hurt or disrespected you, usually repeatedly), can be a way in which you are hurting yourself.
So in 2023, start a fight! Go no contact! Anything but allowing yourself to be re-traumatized by the same toxic people, in the name of love, honour, peace or proving you are a good person,
2. Indulge your inner child often.
They deserve it.
3. Spend less money.
Earlier today, I was sipping champagne while indulging in an eight course meal and it was a great way to celebrate the new year.
That said, I did also spend less that Ksh10,000 each month over the course of the year 2022.
You see, after my healing journey, I like myself now and I want to see myself retire comfortable at the tender age of 50 years, or sooner. I also want to be wealthy and well traveled. In this economy, these things will only come true if I learn to manage money wisely, now. With the little I have.
If you have similar aspirations, say "goodbye" to the friendships that are held together by the money you contribute, and say "hallo" to the friendships where you do nothing together for hours. In my humble opinion, these are the best kind.
Say "goodbye" to the expensive self-care routines, and say "hallo" to long empty hours of peace, rest, and relaxation. I suggest you start with picnics in the park on a warm Sunday afternoon.
4. Try positive solitude.
A lot of people fear that if they let go, go away or disappear for a while, everything will crumble. Or they will come back and there will be no place for them. It's a valid fear.
But it's also necessary to isolate for a little while to work on yourself in the absence of too much outside influence.
5. Forgive & Forget Less.
A major belief that I once held that I now believe is wrong, toxic even, is,
"Forgiving a person who isn't remorseful or doesn't say sorry is a sign of strength and virtue. "
I now know that forgiving a person who isn't remorseful is wrong because not only does it give toxic people permission to keep being toxic(because they see having empathy or a forgiving spirit as a weakness and their getting away with mistreating others as a strength), it is also a form of self-harm because it causes you to be re-traumatized by the same people over and over again.
Remaining stoic in the face of toxic or hurtful behavior is also not admirable or honorable.
Having enough self-love, self-respect and self-preservation to stand up for yourself or walk away is what is admirable. But if your meaning of 'forgiveness' is to ‘cease to feel resentment towards’. You can do this, it is hugely empowering for you. I think it is a valid end result of our own healing when we do it.
Note that it is an end result of healing and not a requirement for healing.
Today I know that we cannot be free if we forget, or forgive the horrors and brutalities we have suffered. Quite the contrary. The pressure to forgive and forget prevented me from feeling and realizing the damage caused. Not forgiving or forgetting can simply mean you learnt your lesson and are seeing people are they are or reality as it is. It doesn't mean that you are weak, vengeful or powerless to the people that hurt you. But it does mean that you are honoring your boundaries, choosing peace and holding people accountable so they have the opportunity to be better human beings.
Also, remember that people don't repeatedly hurt you, by accident. Sometimes, they are doing it because your feelings aren't something they care about, and losing you isn't something that they fear. So do yourself a favor by remembering their disrespect and acting accordingly to maintain your dignity.
6. Be consistent with journaling.
I can teach you how.Send me an email.
7. Go to therapy. Or sign up for my coaching program.
The trauma didn't make you strong.
The trauma didn't make you smart.
The trauma didn't make you resilient.
The trauma didn't make you funny.
The trauma didn't make you empathetic.
You didn't suffer for a good reason. There is no glory in your suffering. Don't justify it or pretend it was any less horrific than it actually was. I admit, it did make you a more interesting person but begin your healing journey so you can understand it's effects on your psyche, unconscious behavioral patterns, personality and well-being. And it's effects on your future generations.
Talk therapy and journal therapy with me will help you understand that you were a child with needs that weren't met and as a result you suffered. To survive that suffering, you developed coping mechanisms that are now harmful to you as an adult, which has created more suffering for you.
8. Tell less lies.
I find myself telling lies because it's easier than explaining my actions or the motives behind my actions. But this needs to charge because I aspire to be more authentic.
For example, I say I am terrible with my phone but I have over 14hours a day of screen time. The truth is, I don't want to engage in small talk, it's too painful and meaningless. For me.
9. De-center the family you were born into.
For you own well-being, it's crucial to have a wholesome life outside your role as a firstborn daughter, and big sister.
Form meaningful connections with people outside of the family you were born into. It offers you a new and much needed perspective, and open you up to new way of life, among other things.
And in case they don't live up to your expectations in terms of their love and support of you, you will not be left out in the cold by yourself.
10. Learn more about psychology.
For example, learn more about narcissism so you can recognize it when it presents itself in friendships, romantic partners or even your family members. It will save you from so much hurt.
Really insightful gems here. Thank you!😊