I am seated in the pastor's waiting room with my fiancée, waiting to have our first marriage counseling session. I am so excited. Ready to gain insights into how to have a successful christian marriage. However, that did not happen. Instead, during the counseling session, it was brought to my attention and that of my fiancée's, that I had a huge flaw which made me a less-than-desirable life partner. It was that I was a strong independent woman. I was so offended, and rightly so.
This was two years ago. My fiancée and I never went back to that pastor for marriage counseling but I must admit...I kind of, sort of get his point now. Uurrgh!
For most of my life I had no idea what it really meant to be a woman. I embraced masculine qualities in an effort to fit into the existing models of power and success. I was a strong independent woman thriving in the cooperate space.
Like most career women working in a male dominant environment, I lost touch with my true feminine self.
Many of us are driven by the need and expectations to be equal to our male counterparts that it prevents us from really knowing who we are and what it means to be a woman. While we work hard to get everything done, we often forget this simple truth: all we truly have is right now, to be our true authentic selves.
After my wedding and into my marriage, I have gained a network of married women who passed on wisdom and healing. They gave me tools that I have used to release myself from internalized misogyny, patriarchal conditioning and self destructive patterns. This helped me become the happy, soft and feminine woman I am now.
You see, in my growing experience in the cooperate world, I found a recurring theme. In the workplace and, to a great extent, in the day-to-day interactions, it is the socialized belief that being a boss, in charge, or a leader means being a man and using a masculine leadership style. These include perceived behaviors such as “being able to make tough decisions,” “seeking to climb the corporate ladder” or “being aggressive. The male leader’s communication skills follow suit. Men tend to be “direct, forceful, and assertive.” Male leaders do not whine, they have a strong, deep voice and speak loudly when needed. I have found that if women mimic such communication styles, they are perceived as rude, “emotional,” “domineering”,“crazy” and termed as "strong women".
Power to the women that are able to surpass such negative stereotyping and be great. They deserve to be celebrated.
As for me, I tried it and realized it was not working for me in the following ways;
I was not being my authentic self
I was carrying the same masculine energy into my relationship which was proving toxic.
I was undermining feminine leadership styles, which is something I had never tried.
By being in meaningful connection with other women, I have learned to love everything about being a woman. This held the key to me living a full and purposeful life. Both in marriage and outside of it.
I propose that there is an approach in the middle—that you can be authentically female with softness while simultaneously thriving in both the workplace and in relationships. I will tell how.
Below are 10 things that I have instinctively (rather than intentionally) used that made me “soften” and tap into my divine feminine;
Softly closing the door on toxic relationships. There are times when we need to close the door on relationships with people who cross our boundaries, affront our values, no longer respect or love us, or no longer enrich our lives. At some point in our lives, we have had relationships with people who leave us feeling utterly drained of energy, or we sense that they are trying to drag us down, or belittle us at every chance. If a relationship is no longer serving you, it is okay to gently close the door on it. If you do do not, the consequence is a disconnect which hardens you. It is hard to feel soft, feminine and open when you are feeling stressed, belittled, violated, disrespected or drained. You close up and harden, to protect yourself.
Intuition. Lucky for us women this one comes naturally. When making big decisions, tap into your intuition and always go with your instincts. Instincts and knowledge combined will prove to be a very successful approach at both work and home.
Take criticism for what it is; Do not internalize and take things too personally. Learn how to receive well-meant constructive criticism and use it to improve your work. Leave any drama or feelings outside of work. When receiving criticism, acknowledge you have heard the critique and respond positively. Avoid becoming defensive and finding excuses because at the end of the day it is the results and not the effort that really matters.
Be you. You do not have to prove you are one of them, you are not. You are like a unique flower waiting to bloom. You can bloom in the garden you are in – at both work and home.
If you would like to talk about your femininity and how you can be more of who you want to be, leave a comment below. Lets chat!
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