Throughout the various chapters of my life, I have encountered moments where my actions were driven by both selfishness and selflessness. These contrasting behaviors, however, share a common origin rooted deep within me: a fundamental belief that I am inadequate. This core wound, the belief that "I'm not enough," has manifested itself in different ways, shaping my interactions with the world around me.
During periods of selfishness, my primary concern was centered around fulfilling my own desires and needs, often disregarding the feelings and needs of others. In this self-absorbed state, my world revolved solely around myself, with little room for empathy or consideration for others. The underlying reason for this behavior can be traced back to a sense of inadequacy, a belief that I am not worthy of genuine care and attention from others. Consequently, I adopted a mindset of self-reliance, viewing the world as a place of scarcity and insufficiency.
Every resource that came into my possession, whether it be time, affection, material possessions, or emotional support, was clung to tightly out of fear of scarcity. The scarcity mindset fueled my actions, driving me to hoard whatever I could grasp, as if the world itself was not abundant enough to meet my needs. This perpetual cycle of lack and insufficiency only served to reinforce my belief that I was inherently lacking, perpetuating a self-fulfilling prophecy of inadequacy.
Reflecting on my past, I realize that my actions as a selfless daughter, sister, friend, and lover were also deeply rooted in a sense of inadequacy. I harbored a core belief that I was inherently deficient as a person, leading me to constantly strive to prove my worth through acts of service to others. This need to be indispensable stemmed from a fear that if I didn't continually demonstrate my value through selfless deeds, I would be deemed unworthy of love and companionship.
It's a common narrative among women to witness those who go above and beyond in their efforts to please others, often to their own detriment. Whether it's the older sibling taking on parental responsibilities at a young age, the friend who sacrifices personal time for the needs of others, or the colleague who consistently goes out of their way to nurture a sense of community in the workplace, the underlying motivation is often a deep-seated belief that their worth is contingent on their ability to serve.
On the flip side, society tends to celebrate and even glorify selflessness while frowning upon selfishness. The dichotomy between the two is stark, with selflessness being lauded as a virtue while selfishness is often condemned. However, what many fail to recognize is that both behaviors can stem from the same root cause – a fundamental sense of inadequacy and a desperate need for external validation.
It's essential to acknowledge that true self-worth doesn't come from constantly putting others' needs above our own or from seeking validation through acts of selflessness. Rather, it requires a deep sense of self-acceptance and self-love, independent of external validation. Only by recognizing and addressing our core wounds can we break free from the cycle of seeking validation through selfless acts and move towards a more balanced and authentic sense of self.
Somewhere along the road, many women just like me are taught that to put themselves at the top of their own priority list is selfish, egocentric, self-absorbed, inconsiderate, uncaring, and incongruent with what it stereotypically means to be a woman. Unfortunately, we grew to agree with that conclusion, and perpetuate that myth with self-neglect. I won’t bore you with the oxygen mask metaphor, but most of us need to be occasionally reminded that the world is only as healthy, and society only as educated, as its women: Disconnected and disengaged women breed more of the same.
For thousands of years we have been socialized to subjugate and suppress our needs in deference to, well, just about everyone else. And those that defy this rule, just like I eventually did, also go too far on the other end, selfishness, where they only think of themselves, but as a trauma response. We were once doormats, but we came to realize what motivated us to give inappropriately. We felt awful about having been so needy and equally bad about everyone who took advantage of her. So we swore never to let it happen again and rather than bring us closer to the people we loved, acting that way distanced us. Hallo hyper-independence, burnout and loneliness.
Through journaling, my healing and self-discovery journey has taught me that there is a third option. Reflecting on these patterns of behavior, I now understand that both selfishness and selflessness were merely coping mechanisms stemming from a deep-seated fear of not being enough. By acknowledging this core wound and working towards healing and self-acceptance, I can begin to shift my mindset from scarcity to abundance, recognizing that I am inherently worthy of love, care, and fulfillment. Through this journey of self-discovery and growth, I aim to cultivate a more balanced and compassionate approach towards myself and others, rooted in a sense of wholeness and sufficiency.
The “Self-first.”
These are women who are healthy, happy, and well-adjusted, most of the time. Most of the time? A person does not exist who, on occasion, does not slip into selfless or selfish mode. It is the contrast that is necessary to keep us powerful.
Ms. Self-first raised her self-worth, grew to realize that she is “enough,” and now is surrounded by people who share her healthy opinion of herself. She makes sure that she has eaten her breakfast because she has a very full day in front of her and she knows that if she’s not on top of her game, she could end up at the bottom of the heap— no vehicle can run without sufficient fuel.
Ms. Self-first has healthy boundaries and honors them; she has a good sense of what works for her and what doesn’t. Sometimes she will alter her own boundaries, and she is aware of when she does it and why she does it.
Ms. Self-first is uncomfortable telling someone “No” when that person needs her, but she’s willing to do it just the same. She has such high self-esteem that she allows herself to “break the rules” on a whim.
Ms. Self-first has needs. She understands that there is a world of difference between an individual having needs and an individual being needy. Everyone has needs—spiritual, emotional, mental, and physical. This is healthy and normal, and is not only to be expected but is desirable, as well. We live much longer when we recognize and take care of our needs.
Ms. Self-first is self-aware and empathetic. She is aware of how her thoughts, words, and behaviors affect others. In today's era, empathy holds an enormous value, which in turn makes it an equally great and valuable quality.
Ms. Self-first has redefined what femininity means for her. It has been recurrently drilled into most females that it is selfish to take care of our needs before others’. From an early age, most of us have been taught not to display our power. We are encouraged to fit in, avoid making waves, accommodate others’ desires above our own, be modest in our self-appraisal, and keep a lid on our ego. And it is never okay to take care of our needs before someone else’s at the risk of appearing un-nurturing, unfeminine, and selfish. The tendency to avoid calling attention to ourselves—to dim the lights on our own brilliance and deflect positive attention—is described as good femininity. But how true is that really? In this capitalist society. Making the conscious choice to change those beliefs and qualities in ourselves will catapult us into success, leadership and our invincibility.
In my line of work, I frequently encounter women who express feelings of anger, frustration, or resignation due to a lack of recognition both in their personal lives and professional careers. These women often find themselves overlooked for promotions, validation, or positive affirmation, leading to a sense of being undervalued and unseen. The societal expectations placed on women to prioritize the needs of others over their own, to provide recognition and support without seeking it for themselves, have created a culture where self-promotion is often viewed negatively. The belief that taking recognition for oneself means denying it to others has been deeply ingrained in many of us. This mindset can lead to a fear of being perceived as self-absorbed or selfish if we seek acknowledgment for our own accomplishments. The fear of taking credit or praise at the expense of others can result in missed opportunities and a reluctance to advocate for ourselves. Whether we tend to prioritize others over ourselves or lean towards self-centeredness, what truly matters is how we navigate and learn from these tendencies. Recognizing our own inclinations, especially during times of stress or insecurity, is crucial for personal growth and self-awareness. It is essential to strike a balance between selflessness and self-care, ensuring that we prioritize our well-being while also acknowledging and celebrating our achievements without guilt or fear of judgment.
✔️What circumstances in your life bring out the selfless woman in you?
✔️What circumstances in your life bring out the selfish woman in you?
✔️What circumstances in your life bring out the self-first woman in you?
If you loves this article, you may also like The Things-Not-To-Do-List , Breaking Old Habits and The Miseducation of Nyatichi.