When I’m engaged in conversation with a healing firstborn daughter during our weekly ninety-minute virtual sessions in the twelve-week coaching program that I offer, I find that these interactions often lead to profound insights and revelations. At some point during our discussions, I’ll pose a thought-provoking question to them, such as, “What sparked your interest in the healing, introspection, and transformation I offer?” This question serves as a gateway for deeper exploration, allowing the individual to reflect on their motivations and inspirations that led them to seek out this journey of self-discovery and healing. Alternatively, I might ask, “What is it that you truly and deeply want to be different in your life?” This inquiry encourages them to articulate their desires and aspirations, providing clarity on the changes they wish to manifest.
In my experience, the responses I receive can vary significantly from one individual to another. Some participants express a desire to pursue something tangible and goal-oriented, achieving specific milestones in their personal or professional lives. They may have concrete objectives in mind, such as;
Addressing their childhood trauma.
Having better boundaries with people who criticize them.
To give perfectionism the boot.
Reclaim and exude their femininity.
To address firstborn daughter syndrome.
Heal from people pleasing.
Improve their relationship with family and friends.
Stop caring what others think.
To change jobs.
Get focused and finish what they start.
Accept themselves so that they don’t feel like anything needs to be different.
Learn healthy coping mechanisms for their anxiety.
Create a genuine support system.
Address intimacy and vulnerability issues.
Overcome problems with productivity.
Have more fun and be intentional about their joy.
Make decisions with confidence, without doubting themself.
Just be themselves; be happy with who they are; feel like they are enough.
Feel like they are totally capable and can create what they want in their life.
Less insecurity.
To feel more confident and capable when making decisions.
Writing that book.
Improving their marriage.
Stop comparing themselves.
Lose the weight /Become a mindful eater.
This focus on tangible results often reflects a yearning for a sense of accomplishment and fulfillment, motivating them to engage fully in the process of transformation.
Conversely, there are those who seek to shift a more abstract way of being. For these individuals, the journey is less about achieving specific goals and more about cultivating a deeper sense of self-awareness and emotional resilience. They may desire to change ingrained patterns of thought or behavior that no longer serve them, aiming to foster a more authentic and harmonious existence or most commonly, they want recover from parental narcissistic abuse.
This wish for change frequently arises from a need to break free from a narcissist's control, to forge a deeper connection with their true identity, to establish a genuine support network, and most importantly, to prevent ever drawing narcissistic people into their lives again. This is because, up until now, the narcissistic abuse has left them feeling like a skeleton of their former selves.
Let's discuss it.
“Human is to error.” Never has a truer thought been stated. No human can come close to claiming perfection. Except of course, the narcissist. People in this category have such a high opinion of their worth that they must maintain an edge of superiority in all relations. They possess an inflated sense of self-worth and an insatiable need to maintain control or/and an aura of superiority in their interactions. They can become so captivated by their own self-image that they are entirely incapable of acknowledging their personal shortcomings or accepting any form of criticism. This refusal to recognize their imperfections often leads to a distorted view of reality, where they perceive themselves as infallible, and anyone who challenges this perception is deemed a threat.
The people pleaser on the other hand is quite distinct from the narcissist. Individuals who fall into this category often find themselves in a subordinate position within the dynamics of interpersonal relationships. The people pleaser is typically characterized by an overwhelming desire to meet the needs and expectations of others, often at the expense of their own well-being. This individual is acutely aware of the emotions and desires of those around them, frequently prioritizing these over their own feelings and preferences. The people pleaser can be seen as a foil to the narcissist, as they often become targets for manipulation and exploitation. While the narcissist thrives on control and dominance, the pleaser often grapples with feelings of guilt, insecurity, and shame, even when such feelings are unwarranted. This is a reality that many narcissistic individuals exploit for their own gain. For instance, when a people pleaser makes a mistake, they may not merely view it as a simple error; instead, they might internalize it as a profound character flaw that defines their worth. Similarly, when expressing a distinct personal preference, they may perceive it not as a legitimate expression of individuality but rather as an act of disloyalty to those around them. In this toxic dynamic, all that is required for a people pleaser to spiral into a state of false guilt and self-doubt is for the narcissist to raise an objection or cry foul. This manipulation can lead the pleaser down a treacherous path of introspection, where their self-esteem erodes, and their sense of identity becomes increasingly entangled with the opinions and judgments of the narcissist.
Every person is indeed guilty of some misdeed. We each have traits or behaviors that point to some personal flaw. This is not a flattering notion, but it is true nonetheless. If you are human, you have something for which you could feel guilty. Some of your guilt will be the result of minor errors in judgment; some of your guilt may be anchored in more severe matters. Healthy individuals are fully aware of their shortcomings, and they make no particular effort to hide that fact. When they do something wrong, they admit it. They recognize specifically what they did wrong, they choose the better alternative, and then they move on. In short, they practice true guilt, the acknowledgment of blameworthiness, which then leads to a constructive and freeing response.
For example, the parent who speaks insensitively to their daughter will admit the error of their words or attitude; they will seek forgiveness and, if needed, restitution. They will learn from their mistake by choosing to change their insensitive ways, and then they will move forward with no further reason to feel guilty. In such an instance, true guilt served its proper function. However, this rarely ever happens in the case of the narcissist.
In stark contrast to the reflective and remorseful parent, a narcissistic individual often lacks the capacity for genuine self-reflection and empathy. When confronted with their insensitivity or harmful behavior, a narcissist is more likely to deflect blame, rationalize their actions, or minimize the feelings of those they have hurt. Instead of seeking forgiveness or making amends, they may respond with anger or hostility, perceiving any criticism as a personal attack rather than an opportunity for growth. This unwillingness to acknowledge their faults or the pain they inflict on others perpetuates a cycle of emotional harm, leaving those around them feeling invalidated and unworthy.
Consequently, the narcissist remains entrenched in their patterns of behavior, often causing ongoing distress to their loved ones. The absence of true guilt in such individuals means that they miss the chance for personal evolution, and their relationships suffer as a result.
The stark contrast between the people pleaser and the narcissist highlights the two opposite extremes on the spectrum of self-awareness and accountability in fostering healthy familial or romantic connections, underscoring the importance of healing, setting healthy and seeking emotional intelligence. The fact is that human beings are imperfect. You are imperfect. I am imperfect. Every individual and every organization consisting of individuals is imperfect. People make mistakes. They do wicked, senseless, brainless, foolish, and cruel things. This is the way the world is and has always been. To expect everything to be fine all the time is to court eternal frustration and doubt. And yet, unconsciously, many people go through life expecting that all will be well. Many people, while growing up, get the idea that the world is supposed to unfold in a particular way. If it does not, instead of adjusting and adapting, they either remain victims of their circumstances until the world brakes them(as it often the case with the people pleasers), or become angry, frustrated, and determined either to impose their will on their world or make other people behave in a way more in harmony with what they have come to expect through manipulation(as it often the case with the narcissist).
The stark contrast between the people pleaser and the narcissist serves to illuminate the two opposite extremes on the spectrum of self-awareness and accountability, particularly as they relate to the fostering of healthy familial, platonic or romantic connections. This dichotomy underscores the profound importance of healing, the establishment of healthy boundaries, and the pursuit of emotional intelligence in our interpersonal relationships. Understanding these dynamics is crucial for anyone seeking to cultivate meaningful connections with others.
At the core of this discussion is the recognition that human beings are inherently imperfect. You are imperfect. I am imperfect. Every individual, along with every organization made up of individuals, is marked by imperfections. This inherent flaw in humanity means that mistakes are an inevitable part of life. Individuals are capable of committing acts that are wicked, senseless, brainless, foolish, and even cruel. This reality is not a new phenomenon; it is simply the way the world operates, a truth that has been consistent throughout history. To expect that everything will be fine all the time is to invite an endless cycle of frustration and doubt into one’s life.
Yet, paradoxically, many individuals navigate through life with an unconscious expectation that all will be well, that their relationships will flourish without conflict or misunderstanding. This unrealistic expectation often stems from childhood experiences, where many people internalize the belief that the world is supposed to unfold in a certain, predictable manner. When reality does not align with these expectations, individuals face a critical choice. Rather than adjusting and adapting to the complexities of life, they may find themselves trapped in a victim mentality, enduring the weight of their circumstances until the world ultimately breaks them—this is often the fate of the people pleasers. They may continue to seek approval and validation from others, sacrificing their own needs and desires in the process, leading to a cycle of unfulfilling relationships.
On the other hand, there are those who respond to life's disappointments with anger and frustration, determined to impose their will upon the world around them. This reaction is frequently seen in narcissists, who manipulate and control their environment and the people within it to align with their expectations. Their approach often involves a disregard for the feelings and needs of others, as they prioritize their own desires and sense of entitlement. This manipulation can manifest in various ways, from subtle emotional coercion to overt displays of dominance, all in an effort to bend others to their will and create a reality that suits their needs.
In recognizing these patterns, it becomes evident that the journey towards healthier relationships necessitates a commitment to personal growth and self-awareness. Healing from past wounds, learning to set healthy boundaries, and developing emotional intelligence are vital steps in breaking free from these damaging cycles. By fostering self-awareness, individuals can learn to navigate their imperfections with grace and understanding, allowing for more authentic connections with others. This process involves embracing vulnerability, acknowledging one’s flaws, and cultivating compassion for both oneself and others.
Ultimately, the path to healthier relationships lies in the recognition that while human beings are imperfect, they are also capable of growth, change, and profound connection. By striving for emotional intelligence and accountability, individuals can move beyond the extremes of people-pleasing and narcissism, creating a more balanced and fulfilling relational landscape. It is through this journey that one can begin to foster genuine connections, built on understanding, respect, and mutual support, paving the way for healthier familial, platonic and romantic relationships.
As we delve into these discussions, it becomes clear that each person's journey is unique, shaped by their individual experiences, backgrounds, and aspirations. The twelve week coaching program I offer is designed to accommodate these diverse needs, providing a supportive environment where participants can explore their motivations and work toward their desired outcomes, whether they are tangible goals or shifts in their overall way of being. Ultimately, the process is about empowering people to embrace their healing journeys, recognize their inherent strengths, and create the lives they truly wish to lead.
What all these participants are talking about is the desire to marry the inner and the outer, which is at the root of what we all crave. To match who we are on the inside (our values, deepest desires, and creative expression) with how we live day-to-day is what creates personal happiness and fulfillment. We want to be the people we feel we are meant to be. We want to be ourselves, and trust that that’s enough.
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