Most people have experienced being talked about behind their back at some point in their lives. Whether it’s gossip at work where a colleague spreads malicious gossip intending to damage your reputation and improve his/her position in comparison, or a friends spreading rumors about the details of your private life to damage your reputation, or venting between family members. It’s never a pleasant feeling to realize you are the topic of unflattering or derogatory talk, especially when you are not in the room to defend yourself. One hopes that the people that claim to love you will say only good things in your absences but that is rarely the case.
I myself have been guilty of starting far too many sentences with “Guess what this person said about me to . . .” This useless chatter among women has got to stop. It's essential for us to break free from this cycle and focus on more meaningful and productive conversations. Let's redirect our energy towards uplifting discussions that empower and support each other.
I cringe when I think about the amount of time I have spent listening to women (and listening to myself ) obsess over what people say behind ours backs. It's truly astonishing how much energy we waste on this futile endeavor. And for what result? Countless wasted hours spent on the phone, engaging in endless conversations and far too many glasses of wine consumed! Like a broken record, we complain about, analyze, and cry over things outside of our control...over a cocktail or two and call it brunch.
No matter how many conversations we engage in, or how many buckets of tears we shed, the undeniable truth remains that we cannot exert control over how others perceive us. It doesn't matter how hard we try or how valiant our efforts are; the stark reality is that we can only control ourselves. The more we attempt to manipulate, fix, or defend our image, the more exhausted and resigned we become, all without achieving any tangible improvement. It is time to release our grasp and embrace the concept of letting others live their lives as they see fit.
Worrying about the opinions of those who pretend to be friendly to my face but continuously badmouth me behind my back is now on my things-not-to-do list. Let me share with you a few more things that I have added to this list.
2. Being Responsible for What Is Not Mine
A central component in healthy, thriving relationships with friends, romantic partners, or family members is the willingness of each individual to be responsible for personal issues. For instance, if a parent has a problem with his/her temper, it is their job to say, “I know this is wrong, and I need to learn how to handle my anger appropriately.” If a lover succumbs too easily into unhealthy behaviors driven by insecurity, it is their job to examine the thinking patterns that are bringing him/her down.
In these circumstances, it would be wrong to assume that others around them must behave in a certain way before that temper or that insecurity can be remedied. Whereas we are each somewhat dependent upon our circumstances to bring us some measure of satisfaction, we each also have the capability to rise above difficult circumstances to chart a course toward full and productive patterns.
In the past, some of us have overlooked the reality that others are responsible for their own problems. Instead, we tell ourselves, “I must be the one to acts in such a way so that other person can remain good and approving towards me.” Or at the very least, we think, “I’ve got to respond in a way that keeps that person from being so angry.”
Whether through others’ manipulation or our own sense of false guilt, we take on the role of problem solver when we do not belong there. This is not healthy, so let's add it to the list of things not to do anymore.
3. Enabling Others to Be Unhealthy
When we assume unnecessary responsibility for others, it sets into motion the possibility of an even deeper problem—enabling others in their unhealthy ways.
In an ideal world, you would expect that your acts of kindness or your attempts to be sensitive would not only be met with appreciation, but they would be reciprocated in fair measure. Ideally you could think, “I’ll treat you nice with the calm assurance that you will do the same in reverse.” This is no ideal world! People can be unappreciative, argumentative, unwilling to compromise, and manipulative. Therefore, when you act in pleasing ways, there is a possibility that others will think, “This is an excellent opportunity for me to indulge my selfish desires.”
Not every person is this way, but enough people are that way that it warrants caution when you choose to serve others. Only naive people assume that their pleasing behavior will be universally met with right responses.
As a former people-pleaser, I would go too far in my 'pleasant' ways, I may have inadvertently be guilty of encouraging others to continue in selfish or disrespectful behavior. Instead of receiving kind gestures with a spirit of gratitude, some people responded with an attitude of entitlement. In the midst of their selfishness, they may think, “I expect you to continue treating me special . . . and don’t even think that I’m supposed to let go of my rude behavior.” As you continue to play the appeaser role, you then encourage that person to sustain behavior that is clearly wrong. This is called being an enabler, and that's not who we want to be. So let's add that on the the things-not-to-do list as well.
Have you ever found yourself in the enabler role? If so, share your experience with me down in the comments section.
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