You know the feeling: You meet someone you haven't seen in a while, and it’s as if you haven't spent any time apart. Everything goes smoothly. You know just what she means; she knows just what you mean. You laugh at the same time. Your sentences and hers have a perfect rhythm. You feel terrific; you’re doing everything right. And you think she’s terrific too.
But you also know the other feeling: You meet someone you have known all your life to catch up over lunch. You try to be friendly, to make a good impression and get back to where you once were, but everything goes wrong. There are uncomfortable silences. You fish for topics. You bump into each other as you both start at once and then both stop. You start to say something interesting but he cuts you off. He starts saying something and never seems to finish. You try to lighten the mood and he looks as if you punched him in the stomach. He says what may be intended as a joke but is more rude than funny. Whatever you do to make things better, makes them worse. You barely enjoy your meal.
Recently, I had an encounter such as this. It was a Tuesday afternoon at my favorite Chinese spot. I came in a little bit nervous but it started out pretty well, before it quickly went left. I remember them telling me about their first impression of me.
"I used to see you as someone who is genuine, classy, quick to laugh, even-tempered, strong and resilient, quick to sulk, but also quick to forgive," they said.
I was flattered. I would have described that version of myself as gullible and easily to bully, but maybe that's my inferiority complex speaking.
Things quickly turned sour when they subtly begun to give unsolicited advice based of off the changes I have made in my life.
They were trying to educate me on life and relationships, I guess. They implied that I, Nyatichi, was an imperfect person who doesn't have a legitimate claim to things such as genuine love and support, an apology, respect, or accountability because of my own past personal failures and mistakes. I was shocked. I have always known myself to be slow to anger, and quick to forgive as he implied, but to demand I always forgive and forget repeated patterns of toxic and harmful behavior simply because I'm imperfect too, is outrageous.
What kind of life would I have if I showed up in the world with my head down, willing to accept whaterver crumbs are given to me simply because I have failed and made mistakes? To have such an expectation of me, m means that you haven't reciprocated the forgiveness that you demanding of me!!
Angered, I packed my things and boarded a Matatu back home, never to be seen or heard from again. That's right, I withdraw from people and places that are preoccupied with overlooking toxic patterns of behaviors to maintain the illusion of peace and harmony, at my expense. When one is trying to heal, unmask and live authentically, or just survive in this cruel world, these kinds of people will inevitably get in the way.
And, if your idea of resolving conflict is pressuring the person that feels wronged to gaslight themselvews by overlooking disrespect yet again, minimizing how hurt they felt and being more tolerant of toxic patterns of behaviors, you have failed. You are an enabler!
Also, I am already living with the consequences of my failures and mistakes everyday, I don't need your reinforcement.
The fact is, human beings are imperfect. You are imperfect. I am imperfect. Every individual and every organization consisting of individuals is imperfect. People make mistakes. They also do wicked, senseless, brainless, foolish, and cruel things. This is the way the world is and has always been. I have always known that, and I have never even been the kind of person to expect perfect from anybody or to expect everything to be fine all the time. And yet, this does not mean that I have no right to set standards of how I want to be treated. I am well within my rights to stand up for myself, set healthy boundaries, hold others accountable to cultivate safety with my relationships, and set limits for how much hurt and disrespect I am willing to tolarete.
One may not hold me in high regard, and that's okay. It's your right to have personal opinions and perceptions, but you have no right to demand that I suppress the protest against my mistreatment. And if your idea of penance is offering me a free meal, a little attention and assaulting me with insincere kindnesses...miss me with it!
We accept, almost as law, that relationships with others require us to make sacrifices and to settle for less than we want. We settle for too little all the time — for the good-enough partner, for the it’s-not-so-bad job, for the friends that tolerate us, for lives that generally fall short of our dreams. We sacrifice our goals, needs, wants, health, happiness — even our safety — daily. And society supports it. We buy into it. We convince ourselves that what we have is enough when, in reality, our spirits are practically dying for more.
Instead of responding to what our souls scream for more, we tell ourselves, “Who am I to ask for anything more? ”
But the critical question is, “who are you not to expect and believe there is more? ”
We never have to settle for less than we feel we deserve; we choose to. We even take an unhealthy and twisted pride in sacrificing our needs for the sake of others, tying our sense of self-worth to how much we give. It becomes impossible for us to imagine that taking care of ME first actually allows us to love others more and do more for them.
We choose to believe that there is never enough of what we want. We worry that time will run out before we find it, or that someone else will take our man, job, whatever, if we don’t get there first — as if there were a limited supply. Always in a hurry or living in a state of lack, we sell ourselves short, settling for “good enough.” And then, once we have the “good enough,” we hold on to it for dear life. To consider a different possibility would be crazy.
So I say, let’s get crazy and consider an entirely new alternative, because the truth is, settling and sacrificing suck. There is another, much better, option. We can choose to honor ourselves, expect more, and believe in possibility, every day. What would life be like if every decision you made was based on honoring your needs and feelings without guilt? What if your wants and dreams were your reality? What if settling was no longer part of your guidelines for life?
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