For generations, families have been considering the oldest daughter to be stronger, more responsible and more independent than her other siblings, from a tender age. But parents along with society tend to forget the pressure and anxiety that comes with this label of “first born” or “oldest child”.
Some firstborns daughters, younger me included, may feel confident enough to take on a challenge as such, but others may feel incompetent and anxious. And rightly so because if the firstborn fails to fulfill the expectations of their parents, she is ridiculed and considered a weak link of the family. She may feel hopelessness in becoming a successful person just like I did, once.
I tried to be the best at everything but couldn’t meet those expectations. I tried to protect others but I didn't succeed. I tried to be competitive but I almost always never won. I tried hard to remain the overachieving, responsible, people pleasing, non-confrontational daughter, sister and friend I had always been, but my mind, body ,and soul gave away in exhaustion. These caused me to feel chronically anxious, depressed and worthless. Not only because all that failure earned me the title of "black sheep", but because I also lost the love, respect, approval and admiration of my family. A true fall from grace.
But despite it all, I ended up creating a life I love.
If you’re a firstborn, you’re in elite company. You belong to a group that includes J.K. Rowling, Beyonce, Taylor Swift, and other figures such as Oprah Winfrey, and Kate Middleton.
And if you believe in the Birth Order Theory established by researcher Alfred Adler, you share common traits with the icons above simply because you’re the oldest child. Adler’s theory was based on the idea that the order in which a child is born determines their personality and behavior. While many researchers believe in the theory, some say the birth order theory is flawed. As the oldest child, I sure see a lot of things psychologists got right.
Let's talk about 30 struggles only firstborn daughters understand and you decide for yourself.
I'm a first child myself, well-known within the family for being rebellious, depressed, forgetful, and a non-confrotational people pleaser but periodically an anxious overachiever. For this reason, I have put stock in what you might call the First Pancake Theory of Parenting. In short: First pancakes tend to come out a little funny, and, well, so did I. And so do many firstborns.
In the beginning, we enjoy the time, care and attention that come with being an only child, but as soon as the other siblings come along, attention is divided. We may even be neglected.
Simply by being a couple’s first child, a firstborn will naturally be raised with a mixture of instinct and trial-and-error. This often causes parents to become by-the-book caregivers who are extremely attentive, stringent with rules, and overly neurotic about the minutiae.
In some countries, if the oldest child is a daughter and the younger sibling happens to be a son, the son will have more of an upper hand because of the mentality that men are more superior to women. Males are preferred to be the first child in some cultures, since they are considered to be much more superior and dominating than females. The oldest daughter may feel oppressed not only because of the stress of this patriarchal thinking, but feeling of being unappreciated. She gets the responsibilities of fulfilling the role as the oldest sibling, but non of the respect, authority, prestige or generation wealth.
Firstborns pursue excellence at any cost in their desire to meet their parents’ already extraordinarily high expectations because of the strict rules imposed and constant anxiety felt by a first-time parent (yes, babies pick up on your emotions and are affected by them).
When your younger sibling makes a mistake but you’re the one that gets blamed.
Parents also seem to express way more disappointment when their oldest kids mess up. Then, when our younger siblings commit the same crimes, our parents were already pretty much over it. I remember getting in huge trouble the first time I said "no" to doing house chores in earshot of my parents. But when my littler brothers and sister did it a couple years later — which I of course was sure to report to my parents so they could deliver the appropriate punishment — do you know what they did? They laughed.
"Be the bigger person!"Just about every oldest daughter can recall a time that their little brother or sister was 100 percent in the wrong and owed a giant apology for their actions, yet just because we were born a couple years earlier, we eldest children were expected to just get over it.
Although it may be uncomfortable to admit, many parents play favorites among their children, and it's almost always never the firstborn daughter. Most parents’ favoritism is subtle and goes undiscussed because having a favorite child might be the greatest taboo of parenthood. But most kids can tell who their parents’ favorite child really is.
Firstborns tend to be type A personalities who never cut themselves any slack. They often have an intense fear of failure, so nothing they accomplish feels good enough. And because they dread making a misstep, oldest kids tend to stick to the straight and narrow. Because firstborns are often given a lot of responsibility at home — whether it’s helping with chores or watching over younger siblings — they can be quick to take charge. That burden can lead to excess stress for a child who already feels pressure to be perfect.
Unlike firstborns, younger children are most likely to have been raised by a parent who, over time and experience, is more confident and skilled in their child-raising.
You have to be a role model. Sometimes, we would even get blamed when our younger siblings did something wrong because we should have stepped in to stop them.
Firstborn daughters tend to get parentified. I have no words to describe the physical and emotional labour we put in for our parents and younger siblings.
Firstborns usually come at a time where their parents are making less money and are less established in their careers, which often means a far more humble existence than the younger kids experience. My little siblings got more toys, nicer clothes, and generally enjoyed way more material wealth than I did. This continued even into our adulthood. They have the kind of financial support that I could only dream of. And I admit, I was jealous watching my father bankroll all of my brother's and sister's pursuits.
The firstborns will be more susceptible to anxiety, depression and other mental illnesses than the later-born. They can be caused by increase in parents expectations and responsibilities.The oldest child has more expectations to follow compared to his/her counterparts. Expectations may include being the intelligent, most competent and responsible one among the siblings.
Feeling worthless may occur when these expectations are not met.
Firstborn daughters seem to feel a responsibility for those around them, often getting wrapped up in the safety and well-being of others.
Firstborns are people pleasers, and this makes it hard to go against the majority. Everything a firstborn does is treated with immense praise. Good report cards are rewarded with praise and admiration. Compliments from well-meaning first-time parents wrap the child in a soothing blanket of confidence and security. And when firstborns repeatedly hear the words, “We’re so proud of you,” it often becomes their primary goal. They want everyone to be proud of them. And if that means giving in to what important people want them to do, if that means staying 20 extra hours at work with no overtime, they do it. Just to hear words of approval from mom and dad. As a result, this behavior can sometimes make firstborns are more likely to conform and give in to the ideas of others, even if their opinions differ.
Parents are more likely to make strict rules (about, e.g., TV-watching) and be intimately involved in the academic performance of their first children. They are also more likely to punish their first child more to establish a "reputation" within their household for being strict—a reputation they hope will trickle down to the younger siblings who will be too respectful to misbehave later on.
Firstborns are a special breed. They are the ones who pave the way for their siblings and set the tone for the family. As such, they often have wisdom beyond their years. They are smart, strong, and full of love.
Firstborns are constantly receiving encouragement for their achievements, but they also need to know it’s okay if they don’t succeed at everything. So tell your eldest about that time you didn’t make it to the interview on time, or got fired from your first job — any situation in which you tried something and it didn’t work out exactly as you planned. Be sure to emphasize why it was okay in the end and how you learned from your mistakes. You want her to see that making a few of her own is nothing to worry about and can actually be a good thing.
Firstborns are bossy? I think there’s been a huge mistake! Okay, okay, maybe the experts are right — a little right — on that one, but I’m not confessing.
(If you liked this article, you might also enjoy Daughters Are Breaking Their Wall Of Silence, Finding Your Tribe and Things Every Young Lady Should Know To Do)
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