One of the things that often happens when we start to feel bad is that we do our best to keep up appearances. We put on a smile at parties, laugh and joke with others, and respond to “How are you?” with a cheerful “Fine!” Sometimes it’s because we don’t want others to pity us, or fear that they will talk about our problems behind our back. Or we are afraid that if we tell them the truth, our friends and family will think we are failures, or a wet blanket and back away from us. We may believe that others will think we are broken, and who wants to be friends with someone who’s broken?
So we work hard to keep up appearances. And it is indeed hard work. It’s difficult enough to feel sad and anxious, but to have to pretend that all is well just adds insult to injury. Quite naturally, we start avoiding friends and family because it’s so much effort. Even worse, we isolate and start feeling distant from everybody. We do so because they have no idea what’s going on in our lives or how to deal with it. Others are talking about their holiday plans, we are smiling and nodding and trying to look interested, and inside we just want to crawl into bed and stay there for a month. Or for the rest of 2024.
But social connections are essential for our well-being. We can’t do without other people. Distancing ourselves from our friends and family, or putting on a mask to conceal how we are really feeling only makes us feel more alone, sad and anxious.
That’s the vicious cycle: When we feel bad, we have to pretend that we are fine. Since that’s hard work, we go see our friends less often, and when we do see them, we feel distant. That causes emotional and physical distance from others. And emotional and physical distance from others makes us feel even worse, making it even harder to pretend that we are fine.
How do we break that vicious cycle? We have to force ourselves to be with people, or outside — but in a way that doesn’t require us to keep up appearances. So if life is dragging you through the gutter, like it;s doing to me in 2024, don't take a nap in traffic just yet. Here is a tip:
Reach out to someone that can offer a safe space.
Truly connecting with nature or other individuals can serve as a powerful remedy for feelings of sadness or depression. When you allow yourself to immerse in these connections, you open yourself up to a world of beauty and solace. Nature, with its serene landscapes and calming presence, has a unique way of soothing the soul and offering a sense of tranquility that can help alleviate negative emotions. Similarly, forming genuine connections with others provides a support system that you can rely on during challenging times. These relationships can offer comfort, understanding, and a sense of belonging that can uplift your spirits and provide a sense of security. By nurturing these deep and meaningful connections, you are not only creating a safety net for yourself but also fostering a sense of fulfillment and happiness that can help prevent feelings of sadness from taking hold in the first place. Embracing these connections can lead to a more enriched and emotionally fulfilling life, where you feel supported, valued, and connected to the world around you.
We are so connected with technology that it is easy to lose sight of our real-time support system. Interacting with people in real time fuels connection and demonstrates what it’s like to have someone truly support you, no matter what.
Think about this: How simple is it to pick up your cell phone and text a friend when you’re upset about something? But texting doesn’t convey your true feelings and has none of your real voice. It’s the same with the Internet; there is no voice. Communicating online isn’t a negative thing; it’s just important to have people you can talk to in person. Talking to someone in real time will help you feel connected and is a much better way for you to feel heard, understood, and cared for. Sometimes, when the going gets rough and tough, it may feel like nobody is around. It is important to identify the people in your life you can count on, unconditionally, during these times.
And you don’t always have to be in some sort of crisis to reach out. The people who unconditionally support you are there whether you are ecstatic or devastated or anything and everything in between. They are the people who care about you and love you, no matter what.
Below, list the people you can count on, in real time, to be there for you. Whether you just need to vent, need help dealing with a friend problem, or are having a major crisis, these are the people you connect with and can count on. These are also the people who will high-five or happily hug you when something fabulous occurs. (It is OK if you leave a category blank, and it is OK if you feel like you only have one person you trust and can depend on. It’s not the quantity of people; it’s the quality.)
Family members: ____________
Really good friends: ____________
Community people (coaches, religious community, teachers, counselor, etc.): ____________
Others: ____________ explore more
Now, using your list above, identify the best people to help with your particular needs. Your best friend may be a great listener, but she may not be the right person to give you honest advice. Below, state the name of a person you can count on for each of the prompts. You may have a go-to person who suits every category, or you may have a different person for each need.
The person I can talk to…
When I’m sad: ____________
When I just won an award: ____________
When I need to vent: ____________
When I need to say something really hard: ____________
When I need honesty: ____________
When I am feeling insecure: ____________
When I don’t trust myself: ____________
When I’m feeling scared: ____________
When I need to laugh: ____________
When I just need to cry: ____________
When I just need a break from reality: ____________
When I need advice: ____________
When I need someone to hear me: ____________
When I need someone to understand me: ____________
When I need someone to help me in an emergency: ____________
When I just need someone there: ____________
What else? Who else? ____________
The next time you find yourself in need of a listening ear, refer to your list and reach out for the support you need and deserve. Also, this list can change. Add and delete people as needed—it’s your list!
Good luck and God's speed.
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