Start The Journey of Finding Yourself

I am so excited to be writing, creating content and coaching women through their healing, self-discovery and transformation. It’s a blessing to have the opportunity to explore what a majority of us yearn for in our heart of hearts but easily lose sight of amid the whirl of everyday life: that peace of mind, open heart, and an enduring sense of balance and purpose. We want to dispel fear, anxiety and depression with gratitude and joy. And we want to love ourselves as deeply and unselfishly as we do others. We want to matter and feel fulfilled.

"Can healing and self-discovery really grant us all those desires?"

It seems to me that, for much of my life, I have been asking the same question over and over and over. It’s probably why I love journaling so much and why I analyze my feelings into the ground. I want to know, once and for all: Who I am I? Why I am I here?

Finding the answers to this questions made me feel a lot more peaceful, openhearted, and well-balanced, years into my own journey and it can for you too. Although I’m sure age and circumstances are factors in my softening toward myself and life in general, I’m continually amazed by the growth, comfort and joy that accompanies intentional and consistent introspection.

Over the course of the journey of finding myself, as well as my career as a wellness coach in the personal growth field, I have passionately committed to increasing my self-awareness and keeping up with what research shows is most effective. I leaped at the chance to write this blog because one of the best ways to learn something at a deep and enduring level is to teach it.

However, in the process of trying to practice what I write, I’m alternately appalled and amused by just how elusive healing can be. This morning provided a good example of how stressful things can get when addressing past trauma, present trauma responses while also being an active participant of society and, thereby, becoming overwhelmed rather than peaceful. I caught myself tearing up when the nurse in triage was taking my history while I was at Nairobi hospital trying to get an new inhaler and renew my allergy medication. I had spent many hours the previous night reading through comments of shocking tales—the ones that depict the travesties that are committed against firstborn daughters by their emotionally immature or narcissistic parents, their siblings, friends, and, sadly, by themselves to themselves. The stories triggered my own trauma and then there I was later, obsessing about how I was going to start this introduction. That was a harmless and amusing little episode, but others are not so funny. When I’m too exhausted to sleep because I’m over-committed, obsessively worried, resentful, or trying to solve the woes of the world—or, more likely, my own—it’s not funny.

Thankfully, I am privileged enough to afford to take a break from it all. And what's more relaxing than watching people play golf? Probably playing golf but that's not yet withing our budget so my sister-in-law and I will settle for being apart of the gallery, for now.

Such beautiful moments always remind me of the moments when I wasn't so privileged. I worked tirelessly to pay my landlord, keep up with bills, living expenses and taxes with never enough left over for me. Sometimes I had to choose between making my hair and buying things like toilet paper. It was either brunch with the girls on Sundays or pay rent.

Red wine.

Or.

Fruits and vegetables.

The fruits and vegetables did not always win. Sometimes a broke woman needs the red wine more. So you’ll have to cut me some slack if I’m unapologetic about my choices.

I dreamed of having more income, money in the bank, and time off to just rest. If this is you right now, you’re not alone. So many women I meet love helping and serving others, but too often they leave their own good out of the equation, don’t charge enough for their services, and give too much away for free. They don’t like asking for help or accepting it, because they too pride themselves on their hyper-independence. They work too hard at too many tasks and don’t take enough time off to nurture themselves. They don’t acknowledge their trauma or burnout because once they do, what next?

When I started my coaching practice, I was told “Oh, you’ll have lots of clients because Nairobi is such a stressful place.” There seems to be a belief that wellness problems are caused by the fast pace of modern life, the pressure to make money, the lack of time for oneself, and the competitive nature of the residents of big cities. Yet that doesn’t seem to always be the case. It is somewhat true but the pull of money, comparison, achievement, educational status, fame and the like are not quite so strong when you have healed, know who you are and are living your life in the way that is right for you.

Answer this.

Who are you?

What are you working for?

What is the legacy you want to leave behind?

What do you want to look back and congratulate yourself for at the end of your life?

You may not know the answers today, and that’s okay. Your whole life is about figuring that out. When people ask me how to determine the “right” goal for themselves, not sure which choice before them is best, I just say, “Your best guess for today will do.”

Goals aren’t about the achievement of a dream. It looks like they are at first, but that’s an illusion. The joy of the achievement lasts about a minute and a half. The movie stars who wins the Academy Awards hugs the Oscar, giddily thanking everyone they ever met in their whole lives, and party all night in celebration. Then they go home, go to sleep, and the next morning, what is it they want? Another acting job. They just want to continue their work, their art, their craft.

It’s the daily doings—the process of inventing and pursuing their goal—that creates joy in their life. The acknowledgment and applause are wonderful, but they are byproducts, not the thing itself. The thing itself is the work—the daily exploration of human behavior, moods, friendships, enmities, glories, and disasters. It’s the process that matters in the end. That is what you experience every day. That is what creates a happy person—not the celebration of one moment of achievement of a certain goal.

There is no goal where, when you achieve it, you stop becoming. The importance of every goal is that it is a path leading you through this existence in a particular direction. You choose the initial direction, but life will take over and lead you on through byways and highways you can’t determine at the beginning.

Years later, you will look back and, with a sense of child’s wonder, exclaim, “Ah, so that’s what I was doing there—that’s the lesson I was learning.” Your job is to pick a path and begin, but it doesn’t matter what you choose—life knows what you need and will guide you there. The totality of all of our decisions adds up to a personality.

(If you liked this article, you might also enjoy People I Would Never Take Advice From, Recipe For A Happy Life and How To Change)