I recently heard from an old highschool friend of mine who I hadn’t seen for about 10 years. We had been best friends at one time. It was fantastic to hear from her, and we met up and picked up just where we had left off. Really good friends are like that. You can always carry on where you left off. Sometimes you might not talk for quite a long time and that’s okay. The fact is that our lives change so much that it’s inevitable for our relationships to change too.
When you look back over your life—high school, college, your first job, the places you used to lived—there are all sorts of friends who you were close to then but now have little or no contact with. It happens to all of us. I have lost a lot of friends who I thought would be in my life forever. While I was working to earning a living and pay rent, they were still worrying about getting home before curfew. While they were worried about car trouble, I was concerned about traffic-free Matatu routes. We just stopped having much in common. You can’t keep up with everyone you have ever formed a bond with. There wouldn’t be enough hours in the day. You are not expected to go on seeing someone every week after you have left the area/school/workplace, or still to chat on the phone every few days now you are working evenings. You are bound to see less of that friend of yours who ended up marrying the partner that couldn’t stand you. All of this is normal. There’s no reason to feel guilty, or resentful toward your friends, when life takes you in different directions. It’s no good beating yourself up over it either.
We have all had a friend or lover that drifted away from us. Maybe they ghosted you, begun cheating on you or they chose to slowly distance themselves from you. I have done it, (not the cheating part, the ghosting part) and known friends who did it for all sorts of reasons— from feeling undeserving of you and your goodness, being unable to cope with their envy of your life, to resenting the way you have behaved; even if you may feel it was perfectly acceptable (or maybe deep down you don’t). Or it may have nothing to do with you at all—it’s possible they needed to move on from a period in their life that was painful, and they just had to make a clean break.
So what do you do? You set them free and watch them fly.
You could resent them for abandoning you, however gently they may have done it. There you were, doing your best to be good to them, and they turned their back on you. Even if they just stopped getting around to keeping in touch, that’s a bit odd isn’t it? You have every reason to feel sad or even bitter about it. But hang on. How would that help exactly? Who could it help? It’s certainly not going to make any difference to your friend or lover who’s not going to know or care about what you are thinking, feeling or going through. Do you enjoy being angry? Is it fun being bitter? Does all that sourness feel exhilarating and uplifting? Of course, it doesn’t. It feels miserable. So what is the point of doing it?
Here’s a thought. Why don’t you just accept it? Accept that y'all have grown apart. In fact, better still, why don’t you appreciate the relationship they gave you in the past and think fondly of your old friend or lover who was there for you for a while, even if they aren’t any more? The only reason you cared about losing the friendship or relationship was because it was once good, positive, encouraging and supportive.
Look, you are probably the only one who is going to be hurt by all that bitterness. It’s such a futile emotion, and it will screw you up and make you wary of new friendships or new romantic relationships. And make you unhappy about your life.
When you have had a friend or lover who once brought you joy, happiness and pleasure, at least for a while, I struggle to see how being resentful could possibly be a constructive way to go about things. Yes, they choose to move on from the friendship/relationship, but it's better to let them go and go through life accepting that some friendships or romantic relationships are not made to last. And even though they are fleeting, they were still deep and meaningful, while they lasted. Just as you live in some houses for only a few months and others for decades. It doesn’t mean you resent the short-lived ones— both have equal value at the time. Some people blow into your life for the short term and leave when they have given you all they can, or gotten all they wanted. How wonderful that they were there for that short space, and that they chose to give you their time, energy, love and resources for a while.
Don't dwell on what could have been. Be in the present moment and know when to let go. Sometimes friends and lovers drift apart (or together) because of the way your life goes. Sometimes, however, you find that a certain friendship or relationship just doesn’t work any more and it’s time to move on. Perhaps you have changed or maybe they have. They might have fallen in with a bad crowd and you don’t want to be a part of it, or maybe you have taken on responsibilities and matured while they are still acting like they will be young forever. Maybe they have had children and you haven’t and their new life doesn’t have much space for you in it. You don’t understand their worries, and you can’t empathize with the things that matter to them. If they have a new baby, you can’t fathom why they would want to spend half their life preoccupied with someone else’s bodily functions. Maybe these things are temporary and it’s worth sticking it out. Perhaps you reckon your friend or lover will realize before long that you are worth hanging out with.
But sometimes you can see that things aren’t going to change and that this friendship or relationship isn’t right for you any more. Maybe your friend or lover has recently gotten into religion and keeps preaching at you or is into drugs and wants you to try things you would rather not. Perhaps they have become obsessed with money and you don’t think in the same terms. Sometimes a friend or lover even turns on you for reasons of their own. When this kind of thing starts to influence your relationship, it’s not a matter of drifting apart without notice. Sometimes you need to make a conscious decision to separate yourself from this person. They are no longer contributing anything positive to your life, and nor are you to theirs, and that state of affairs is looking pretty permanent. The important thing is to recognize that this is happening. Don’t keep fighting the tide if it’s not going to have any effect. You need to let go, move on.
It can be upsetting, but you will only make things worse if you keep trying to hang onto something that has gone. It's far better to make a conscious decision to end it. Don’t have a fight with them and try to convince them of what a catch you are. Just let them know that you don’t see any future in spending time with them. Or, you might find it’s easier just to back off and let the break-up happen naturally. After all, they may be well aware of the state of the relationship and not put up much resistance.
Remember, friendships or romantic relationships are a two-way thing and generally if it doesn’t work for one of you, it’s not really working for the other one either, even if it’s taking one of you longer to see it. There are so many wonderful people out there, don’t waste your time, energy or love on a person that doesn't want it, appreciate it or reciprocate it.
Good luck and Godspeed.
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