I recently came across a discussion on social media that was titled,"why are firstborns so bitter?"
The ignorance displayed by those holding the discussion made me furious. From my experience, the perils of being a firstborn daughter in an African household are not discussed nearly enough.
Any attempt to discuss to subject with my mother always gets me one of those "God knows I did my best" answers, so the topic is only a subject of conversation in my therapist's office.
Even a cursory glance of this topic on Google only spits out hundreds of research reports and articles about how firstborn children are likely to be leaders. Not much is said about how firstborn children are susceptible to a plethora of mental illnesses like depression and anxiety.
Being a firstborn in an African household comes with a unique set of challenges that often go unnoticed or unaddressed. The pressure to set an example for younger siblings, the weight of expectations from parents, and the lack of emotional support can all contribute to feelings of bitterness and resentment.
While it is true that firstborn children are often seen as natural leaders, the emotional toll that this role can take is rarely acknowledged. The focus on achievement and responsibility can lead to feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt, paving the way for mental health issues such as depression and anxiety.
It is essential to have open and honest conversations about the experiences of firstborn children, especially in cultural contexts where these issues may be overlooked. By shedding light on the emotional challenges faced by firstborns, we can work towards creating a more supportive and understanding environment for all individuals, regardless of birth order.
I have been thinking a lot about this topic as I've begun to increasingly tell my own personal story.
I often wonder where I would be in life, if I had been born a boy, or a last born child because being a born a firstborn daughter to a father with a thriving and demanding career, and a mother with a similarly admirable dedication to her career, coupled with their emotional unavailability, did not make much a childhood.
I can unequivocally say those years were challenging, but edifying. I grew up fast. Those early experiences taught me a lot about survival, and gave me a determination to succeed. Reflecting on my upbringing, I realize that the dynamics of being a firstborn in a family, especially in a cultural context that places high expectations on the eldest child, can be overwhelming. The pressure to excel, to set an example, and to carry the weight of familial responsibilities can take a toll on one's mental well-being.
As I delve deeper into my own narrative, I am confronted with the complexities of identity and self-worth that stem from my early experiences. The struggles and challenges I faced as a firstborn daughter have shaped me in ways I am still unraveling.
While societal narratives often glorify the role of the firstborn as a leader and a trailblazer, the emotional and psychological impact of such expectations is seldom acknowledged. The internal battles, the feelings of inadequacy, and the quest for validation are all part of the silent struggles that many firstborns face.
Despite the hardships, I have come to see my journey as a source of strength. The resilience I developed, the perseverance I cultivated, and the empathy I gained have been invaluable lessons that continue to guide me.
Reflecting on the journey of life as a firstborn, I find solace in the challenges I have faced, for they have been the crucible in which my character was forged. The adversities I encountered served as the raw materials that shaped the very foundation of who I am today. Despite the struggles and obstacles, there is a profound sense of fulfillment and pride in overcoming each hurdle along the way.
It is crucial, however, to recognize the need for healing from the scars left by those trying times. While the resilience gained from such experiences is invaluable, the emotional toll they take requires attention and care. The aftermath of enduring hardships often reveals the true extent of the wounds we carry, prompting us to embark on a journey of self-restoration.
Comparing this process to a battle, it is akin to a fighter absorbing blows in the heat of combat without fully grasping their impact until the fight has concluded. Only in the aftermath do we come face to face with the bruises and injuries that demand our attention and tenderness.
It is important to understand that what may be perceived as bitterness in individuals, particularly firstborn daughters, is often a manifestation of their need to confront and process the traumas they have endured. The act of sharing these experiences is not a sign of weakness but a courageous step towards healing and growth.
This discourse sheds light on the common challenges faced by firstborn daughters, offering insight into the reasons behind their perceived demeanor. By delving into these shared experiences, we aim to foster understanding and empathy towards those who may carry invisible burdens beneath their seemingly stoic exterior.
The pressure from her parent’s being over-invested in her success. The father maybe so enmeshed in her academic success while the mother gains validated from her social success(marriage). They both seek their sense of accomplishment, and validation from her being who they aspire her to be.
Adultification, which does not become a conscious problem until one reaches adulthood and realizes they spent the majority of their childhood learning to cook, clean and cater to your parents and siblings.
Being incapable of saying no.
The firstborn daughter was not allowed to experience and express "ordinary" impulses (such as jealousy, rage, defiance) because her parents assigned her to a special role that required her to be "special," for instance, to represent their own ethical attitudes and be a good example to the rest of the siblings.
Compulsively taking responsibility for the needs of others.
She shouldered adult responsibilities from a young age so not only was her childhood non-existent, but this made her susceptible to people pleasing, being void of boundaries, and susceptibility to a plethora of mental illnesses like depression, anxiety and addiction. that results from that amount of pressure on a little girl.
The pressure (from both her parents and her siblings) for her to be an extension of her parents. She becomes a third parent to her siblings by default even though she is a child herself.
The guilt and shame for striving toward autonomy that doesn't involve marriage.
The outrageous expectation to be unadulterated yet somehow successfully gathered enough worldliness to find a suitable partner in a timely fashion because she expected to eventually leave. The place she grew up in is just a temporary home. It's when a boy deems her worthy that she gets to be taken to her forever home
The eldest child is the "lab rat" of the pack.
Any outward display of indignation may lead to ostracization, being labeled as disrespectful, or worsening of oppression. So she develops a false ‘pleasing personality’ and her real self is buried under it. Eventually she loses herself all together in the title of first born daughter.
She is the victim of her parent's 'emotional offloading', because she is seen as acting mature for her age. Emphasis on the acting. The little girl is considered her mother’s best friend in which case her mother feels free to be vulnerable with her. This is problematic for two reasons. First, the little girl is robbed of her carefree and playful nature because now she shoulders her mothers concerns and in many cases will make it her responsibility to resolve them. Or atleast make herself one less person her mother has to worry about. The second reason is that this friendship can only ever be one-sided. There she is playing therapist and friend to her mother, only to deal with her own problems on her own because the mother never reciprocates the empathy or attention.
The burden of physical and emotional labor to their household, while their male counterparts played and had fun with friends.
The pressure to be a good example to the rest of the siblings. And even receiving punishment for the misbehavior of the younger siblings.
The first born daughter receives the harshest punishment because it is a well known fact that levels of disciple and hands-on parenting reduces with birth order.
The expectations for a firstborn daughter to be void of boundaries.
The pressure to "fix" parenting mistakes by being hyper-involved in her siblings' lives.
Guilt and shame for advocating for her needs and well-being from years of putting people first ahead of your own needs and well-being.
Her parents were emotionally unavailable to her because they were focused on the family's survival.
Firstborns daughters are not free to experience the very earliest feelings, such as discontent, anger, rage, pain, even hunger and, of course, enjoyment of their own bodies. Discontent and anger had aroused uncertainty in the mother over her maternal role, pain made her anxious. Her children's enjoyment of their bodies sometimes aroused her envy, sometimes her shame about "what other people would think,". Thus, firstborn daughters learnt very early what they are not allowed to feel, lest they run the risk of losing their mother's love.
It's time to have this discussion. What else would you add on to this list?
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