I get numerous emails from my readers, asking for advice, and one of the question I get is: “How do I heal from the guilt and shame of being a disappointment to my parents?” Though I can’t respond to every email I get personally, it is a very valid and relevant question, and you deserve an answer.
This post is that answer.
I am the black sheep in my family. One of them, I think. And I’m not ashamed of it because there are numerous reasons why one could be a black sheep in their family without necessarily being a toxic ill-mannered, ungrateful child. Like maybe you want to pursue a creative career and your parents deem that as stupid and unrealistic. Or maybe you are overweight. Maybe you would like to pursue entrepreneurship instead of a steady income job. Or maybe you want to be child free, and your parents feel resentful towards you for that decision. It could be that you are unemployed, haven't found the love of your life, or that you have no interest in getting married or going back to college. It could even be that you like to wear make up, and they think that makes you a whore. Maybe you fell in love with a foreigner or refuse to stop addressing the family's toxic behavior. Anything from having different values and aspirations, struggling with a mental illness that your parents deem unreal, to the mistakes you made in the past can make you a black sheep.
Like many others, I grew up seeking the admiration and approval of my parents because we were conditioned to believe that it was the marker for success. And true to that, it kept my grades up, my BMI somewhat low, and I was always well behaved and out of trouble. It’s kept me on my toes when I wasn’t already wearing heels to elongate my legs. But this was all temporary.
Soon enough, I learnt that I couldn't always live up to my parent's expectations, which I discovered were insatiable. And the harder I tried to redeem myself when I fell short, the more I felt lost and burnout from the people pleasing, and the further I fell into the rabbit hole of shame, guilt and self-hate. This overwhelming emotions made for a very difficult decade of my life, but I got through it. I am still getting through it actually.
So if you have come seeking advice on how not to seek parental approval, I’m afraid I’ll disappoint because I'm still figuring it out myself. I do not have a twelve-step program to alleviate the desire for approval from your parents. However, I can offer you something that’s the exact opposite of a cure, because I would hate for you to leave empty-handed: a reality check.
Many people suffer all their lives from the oppressive feeling of guilt, the sense of not having lived up to their parents' expectations. This feeling is stronger than any intellectual insight that it is not a child's task or duty to satisfy their parent's narcissistic needs. No argument can overcome these guilt feelings, for they have their beginnings in life's earliest period.
From a very young age, a child will to aspire to being praised and admired by their parent, for their talents and their achievements, like a small plant that turns toward the sun in order to survive. And for a time, achieving this earns them joy, happiness and the pride of their parents, which offers the a child a strong and stable sense of self-assurance. But with time, the exactly the opposite is the case.
Parents tell us that happiness and success can be found in good grades. So we focused all our attention, our time, and our energy into academic excellence. But how many people do you know that got the perfect grades and multiple degrees but are unemployed, unhappy or unfulfilled? How many people do you know that have none of those but are happy, fulfilled and financially stable? Why?
They tell us that all we have to do is, only engage in things that make your parents proud but you end up haunted by the things you wish you did.
They tell us that happiness can be found in hard work, in a career. So we work hard and become successful, but this doesn’t make us happy or give our lives meaning. All it does is turn us into tiny little cogs in the business machine, and instead of the happiness we were promised we get nothing but stress. We don’t even understand what we’re working for, what we’re living for. We hear everywhere that this is just “the way it’s supposed to be,” and in the end start to believe it. Why?
They tell us happiness can be found in money. But no matter how much money we make, all we end up with is a mountain of useless junk. But not lasting joy, happiness or fulfillment. Why?
They tell us that all we have to do is work hard and make ourselves into nice, successful, rich, caring people, and then we’ll be appreciated, and everyone will respect and love us. But once we actually become nice and successful, we see that, instead of society’s love and respect, we get more roles, rules and responsibilities. All we can hope for (if we’re lucky) is a kind word from our boss, friends that aren't secretly in competition with us and siblings that aren't secretly envious and resent towards you. Why?
They tell us that happiness can be found in a family and children, religion, and so on, but in the end, all we end up with are worries, expenses, burnout, a drinking problem, an inferiority complex, massive financial woes, and a plethora of mental illness, and no happiness. Why?
A lot of us black sheep were high achievers once. We had the admiration and approval of our parents because we strive for excellence whenever we could. But behind all this lurked depression, the feeling of emptiness and self-alienation, and a sense that our lives has no meaning. These dark feelings came to the fore front as soon as the drug of grandiosity fails, as soon as we were no longer "on top," or whenever we suddenly get the feeling that we failed to live up to some ideal image and measure that we felt we must adhere to. Then we were plagued by anxiety or deep feelings of guilt and shame. Why?
We pleaded for advice from parents, teachers, religious leaders, our peers, and whoever else that claimed to have all the answers. And what do they do? They give us a bunch of clever-sounding words about how all our problems aren't real because there was food on our tables, clothes on our backs and a roof over our head. They told us how other people have it worse. They told us that everything depends on our attitude. They told us that everything is the will of God. And, at first, this stuff even seems kind of helpful, but then it turns out that our problems are still unresolved, our questions are still unanswered. We are still unhappy and dissatisfied with life. Why?
In my unprofessional opinion, this emotional turmoil comes about from constantly putting the needs and options of others above our own dreams, desires, aspirations and well-being. And an understanding that all the love and admiration we received was conditional and transactional, because if you only receive love and admiration only when you are putting in a lot of effort and denying yourself, this is not a love for you, for who you really are, but a love for your achievement and the value you add to people's lives. You know that the admiration you receive for your beauty, achievements and the mask you put on is aimed at the beauty, the achievements, the persona you created and not at the amazing human being that that you are.
Behind the mask you call home is a small and lonely inner child that feels helpless and forgotten. Their suffering is hidden behind the achievements and hyper-independence but if you listen, you will hear them ask:
"What would have happened if I had appeared before you, bad, ugly, angry, jealous, lazy, dirty, smelly?"
"Where would your love have been then?"
"Does this mean that it was not really me whom you loved, but only what I pretended to be? The well-behaved, reliable, empathic, understanding, and convenient child, who in fact was never a child at all?"
"What became of my childhood? Have I not been cheated out of it? I can never return to it. I can never make up for it. From the beginning I have been a little adult. My abilities-were they simply misused?"
When you begin to face the reality of your childhood in therapy(or on your healing journey), these questions are accompanied by much grief and pain, but the result always is a new authority that is being re-established in the adult. Also, the adult develops a new empathy for their own fate, born out of mourning and acceptance of the truth that they are deserving of love, empathy and approval even when they are not their best self.
Moving forward, what others may see as rebellion, and defiance of parental authority is in fact the pursuit of much-deserved freedom, joy, happiness, fulfillment and individuality.
I say all this to say, a child aspiring for parental approval is them committing to fill a bottomless cup by fulfilling their parent's ceaseless demands. It is as futile a task as trying to drink from an empty cup because there isn't a single thing one can do to guarantee their parents approval for the rest of their lives. It's more of a lifetime commitment to putting the needs and demands of your parents above you own. And while that may be portrayed by society to be a noble goal, it doesn't guarantee one's success, happiness or fulfillment.
We know of doctors, lawyers and engineers that for one reason or another have lost their parents approval and entrepreneurs who are happy and successful despite never having their parent's support or approval. Nothing is guaranteed in this journey we call life, so why not try following your joy and intuition?
Don't get me wrong, it would be nice to have our parental approval, permission and support, but if you don't, it's not a reason to hate yourself. It's still okay to choose to create your own path and redefined what success look like for you because although we love our parents deeply, we may have no interest recreating the lives they have lived or living up to their perception of us. So you may have to accept to be misunderstood and labelled a black sheep for now, as you go out into the world and pursue your dreams and aspirations.
Here is why doing so may be the best decision you have ever made;
The harsh reality is that even if these children strive hard to meet their parents’ expectations today, there’s no guarantee that those achievements will weigh anything in the future. What does that mean?
In the family unit, parental approval can mean a better quality of life among other rewards. But out in the real world, parental approval is nothing but a boost to the ego (unless you are an heir or heiress). Committing to meeting all of your parent's expectations above your own dreams and desires will not guarantee that you will get the dream job, the perfect romantic partner for you, fulfilling career or even happiness.
Some parents love their children conditionally. Mom and Dad will only showcase affection, love, and acceptance if the child is able to fulfill their expectations. For the most part, these expectations revolve around academic accomplishments and the image you potray infront if their peers. What children learn as a result is that the love of their parents can only be received or perhaps even deserved if they’re able to come home with high marks and medals worthy of being bragged about. Otherwise, the child doesn’t stand a chance of receiving their parents’ acceptance and affection. This is wrong because what the child ultimately learns growing up is what their parents want from them instead of what they want for themselves. So, they fail to explore their talents and desires, and instead choose to exhaust their effort on achievements that they know their parents would be proud of.
Parental approval is a temporarily high. There isn't a single thing one can do to guarantee their parents approval for the rest of their lives. It's more of a lifetime commitment to putting the needs,comfort and demands of your parents above you own.
Contrary to popular belief, your parents don't always know what's best for you. Your parents aren't these all knowing beings incapable of error. They are human beings that have their own fears, baggage and traumas that inform their choices.
Sometimes there is a purpose that has been attached to your existence by your parents. Maybe you were conceived so your parents could receive validation from society. Or maybe you were to be the much needed distraction from the reality of a marriage about to end. Or just maybe, you were brought into this world to be your parent's retirement plan. Either way, when you don't fit the exact mold of who they think you should be, you are doomed to be perceived as a failure.
Your parents can only teach you what they know. They can't teach you how to be financially free if they have not attained financial freedom themselves. They can't teach you how to be happy if they too, aren't happy. They can't give what they don't have. But they will try, very confidently. There is an African saying that goes : ' Be careful when a naked person offers you a shirt. '
Your parents are not perfect human beings. Society may deem them above reproach but they are not above making mistakes and projecting negative emotions such as doubt, anger or anxiety. They can be immature, emotionally unavailable, abusive or even unaccountable for their mistakes.
Your parents don't really know you. They know nothing about the real intentions behind your actions, the real desires of your heart or the things that keep you up at night. They only know what you choose to show them and they may only be interested in experiencing the part of you that they can control, abuse and manipulate.
Yesterday's best advice could be today's worst advice. Life is always changing, so what your parents see as the best course of action may be what pushes you into the wrong path, even though their intentions were pure.
Choosing to follow a different path from your parents may not always mean failure. It just means you are your own person, with a different definition of what a successful life is.
You and your parents come from different generations so you may have different values and aspirations. They may perceive you fashion and sense of style as inappropriate but meanwhile to you, it's a form of expressing your identity. They may perceive your healing and self-discovery journey as selfish but to you, it may be a crucial step in self-development. And so on and so on.
Nobody knows what they are doing. Nobody knows what tomorrow will look like. We are all learning as we go, including your parents.
Some parents hoard their approval as a way to maintain their control over you.
Taking charge of your life allows you to take full responsibility of your failures, and there will be plenty. This will empower you to learn and move past it because you have no one else to blame.
It would be nice to have the approval of those that I love and respect but, it's also nice to be able to follow your joy, your dreams and visions for your life. We only get one chance to live this life after all.
Good luck!
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