Once, a very close friend of mine intentionally introduced me to a scammer and encouraged me to invest with them in hopes that I would later loose all my money and possibly my credibility in our social circles. I wish I could say that I saw right through their evil intentions but the truth is, the said friend overestimated my financial capabilities. Looking back, I realize that she saw the potential that I didn't yet see in myself. I also realize that while she was someone I deeply loved and admired, she struggled with loving herself and seeing her own successes or potential for success, which from my perspective, were much greater than my own.
This is just one incidence but I have seen plenty of times what self-loathing can do. I have seen it destroy the best of friendships, romantic relationships that once seemed fated and even breakup families. I have seen it steal the light right out of people's eyes. I have watched it drive the beautiful, the brilliant, and the kind to places from which they could not come back from.
Growing up, I watched women hate themself unreservedly, as if it was required. They hated themselves because their mother also hated herself, self-abandoned and people pleased and, meaning no harm, taught them how. Self-loathing spreads that way, from heart to heart, and generation to generation.
Don't get me wrong, men also do it! We have all seen men 'humble" and humiliate their children, their wives, sisters, girlfriends and even other men. And because of it, somewhere along the line, those loved ones concluded that there was something broken within themselves.
That's what I want to talk about in today's session...sorry, today's post. I want enlighten you because I have learnt to recognize self-loathing in other people and overcome my own self-loathing along this healing and self-discovery journey. It's why I take thousands of portraits of myself and live my best life, despite being far from perfect. And why not? I see and accept imperfection and mediocrity in others, so why not accept it in myself too?
Let's talk about people that hate themselves and the people that love them.
❤️ People who hate themselves look for and point out the flaws in others to make themselves feel better about their own flaws and failures.
❤️ People who hate themselves are sometimes overachievers. This person is trying to become lovable so they spend so much time, attention and energy trying to be good, earn approval, please others, TRYING TO BE PERFECT. And then, when they find that all that trying to be good doesn’t work, and doesn’t in fact get them love and approval they want, the only thing they know how to do is, TRY HARDER.
❤️ People who hate themselves take blame but not credit. If something goes well, it’s a gift from God. If it goes badly, it’s all their fault. And even if they do take a little credit for something, they can always avoid feeling good about it by finding what could have been done better.
❤️ People who hate themselves struggle with receiving love, gifts, compliments, help, favors, praise, etc
❤️ People who hate themselves are vulnerable to abuse. And even if they realize that they are in an abusive situation, their fear, self-hate and scarcity mindset is too strong to let them break out of it.
❤️ People who hate themselves always ignore their own pain and discomfort for the 'greater good', meaning other people's comfort or to maintain the illusion of peace.
❤️ People who hate themselves are triggered by those that love themselves unconditionally. They are also triggered when they see someone be loved and accepted despite a flaw that they would never love or accept in themselves.
❤️ People who hate themselves lie. But not for the same reasons someone with poor character lies. People with poor character lie in order to manipulate someone or gain something. People who hate themselves lie because they are ashamed of the truth or don't want to experience more judgement than they are subjecting themselves to. Their lies always seem constructed to please the sensibilities of those around them. Been there, done that.
❤️ People who hate themselves compulsively apologize.
❤️ People who hate themselves are extremely self-critical. A little bit of constructive self-criticism can help you notice your mistakes and correct them. But once it starts making you feel bad about yourself, it’s no longer useful and we have to question the intention behind it. And people that brutally judge and attack themselves, do it to others too.
❤️ People who hate themselves will take what you say personally and become defensive easily and even start secretly plotting revenge on how to make you feel how the felt. They hold grudges and review old hurts and injustices rather than being present in the now.
❤️ People who hate themselves will compare and compete and that’s when love turns to betrayal. It’s easy to compare your weaknesses with everyone else’s strengths. Sure, you have flaws and have made mistakes… but so has everyone else, including the people you look up to and admire the most.
❤️ People who hate themselves will think other people are constantly judging them, and live in fear of being “found out” for the failure of a human being that they think they are.
❤️ People who hate themselves struggle to empathize with others and what they go through because of their victim mentality.
❤️ At its most extreme, self-hatred can lead people to retreat into alcohol & substance use, suicidal and other self-destructive behaviors, or physical and emotional harm toward others.
❤️ The world is a mirror when it comes to love. If you find yourself intertwined with someone who hates themselves, part of you also secretly hates yourself, because unworthiness will find unworthiness.
❤️ You simply can't love someone truly who hates themself deeply. There's a big misconception around believing if you genuinely love someone who hates themselves, your love will magically turn them around to find love. It’s easy to deceive yourself into thinking you can "kill someone with kindness." Unfortunately, love cannot be imposed onto others who unknowingly block it with self-hatred. You cannot give your love away in the hope that it will fill the empty hole of someone’s self-hatred. Until love can be embraced from within, it is impossible to love someone through the wall of their own self-hatred. Only to the extent that someone is willing to begin letting go of self-hatred can they discover their own light of love and reach up to meet you where you are. The best you can do is meet someone where they are.
❤️ Only you can find that healthy boundary of what you're willing to give, knowing what comes back will not be able to match what you are giving, and could even be the opposite of what you expect!
Go to therapy/Get a Wellness Coach
When I began gently guiding people along a path of healing, growth, and transformation, I realized that much of my role was to be an external representative of the unconditional love, non-judgemental acceptance and empathy they were seeking to find in themselves.
Over the years, I have come to see that what I’m doing as wellness coach is trying to get my clients to turn loose the self-loathing conditioning that says they are bad, wrong and inadequate, long enough for them to catch a glimpse of who they really are. It is usually after the first couple of session that they learn to trust my perceptions that they begin to accept that their beliefs about themselves and their world might be less than completely accurate.
Unless you were raised by wolves, the chances are extremely high that you or a loved one can relate a number of the things described in the list above. Please seek the help of a therapist, counselor and/or a life coach.
(If you are reading this, this is a sign from the universe that you need to book a coaching session with me.)
(If you liked this article, you might also enjoy Unlearning People Pleasing and Things I Have Learnt From People that Hate me)