Pain is not popular. No one likes it … except for a few weirdos such as sadists (who enjoy the pain of others) and masochists (who relish their own). However, pain and suffering are inevitable for everyone. Every organism faces aging and death, and human beings experience suffering due to competition, disappointment, neglect, abandonment, illness, and injury. There will always be bullies, cheats, and jerks, as well as plain old bad luck, accidents, and unfortunate natural events.
And often enough, pain moves from the individual outward in circles and spirals that involve friends, lovers, enemies, relatives, strangers, and sometimes expands to affect entire communities and even nations.
When one person hurts another, several things may happen. Sometimes, the pain is immediately reflected back onto the perpetrator: This is retaliation. Kerubo attacks Kemunto, and Kemunto hits back. Then there is revenge. Once again, Kerubo attacks Kemunto, which leads to Kemunto’s hitting Kerubo, but not right away. And not with equal and balanced intensity. Then there is redirected aggression: Kerubo goes after Kemunto, who responds by going after Nyachoka , who had nothing to do with the initial problem at all! This seems illogical, yet it happens all the time. Sometimes, when a Nyachoka isn’t available, Kemunto may pound her fist on a table, shout the most gut-wrenching words at her co-workers, slam the door, start a smear campaign, or kick the dog. Or she may develop high blood pressure or road rage, or beat her lover or her child. Maybe she will even commit murder or suicide.
Pain, in short, is infectious; it is passed along like a demonic bucket brigade, which, instead of putting out a fire, burns its victims, who respond by causing yet more pain, which leads to yet more victims. Thus the sad pattern continues.
But whenever and however I am hurt, the pain stops with me. It's a vow I made to myself. Enough is enough. I will not pass it along. I may seek restitution and amends in so far as they may be necessary for healing, and I will attempt to forgive, but I will refrain from retaliation, revenge, and redirected aggression. I will try to be a “just” person, which means that I will attempt to absorb some of the world’s pain, without passing it on or adding to it. At the same time, I will not be a fool, because to allow myself to become a victim also increases pain, and I will actively stand up to cheats, haters, and bullies, and will advocate for those who lack power and the means to protect themselves. I will practice this on a daily basis, and teach it to my children, clients, and anyone else who will listen.
Recently, I have noticed that someone in my life is hurting — in pain themselves — and they are responding by hurting me and others closest to them. So in today's blog post, we will take a close look at this process, and discuss the ways to stop passing the pain along. I hope this post reaches them.
My writing is always in part autobiographical, but I will not pass the pain and humiliation along by naming names. However, I intend to be reasonably open about my experiences and the pain they caused. The ultimate goal of these writings is to commiserate with you all, as there is no one out there who hasn’t experienced pain and pay back that has resulted in humiliation, more pain, and loss of reputation, employment, family, or friends, as well as physical or mental illnesses resulting from the stress.
Pain, betrayal and payback seems to be a universal and eternal reality of the nature of human beings. We barely get into Genesis when one brother, in a fit of sibling rivalry over a perception of God’s favor, kills the other brother. Biblical human history starts with Eve betraying God and 'convincing' (for lack of a better word) Adam into a bite of forbidden fruit. Adam then betrays Eve by throwing her under the bus, making her take responsibility for his action in eating what he shouldn’t. Whether or not you look at biblical writings as history or metaphor, we are left with the same conclusion: pain seems an inevitable, vicious, devastating, horrific part of the human condition.
I was video chatting with my dear friend the other day, as most introvert do, while she was sharing with me a gut-wrenching situation of betrayal and payback;redirected aggression to be specific. She said, “There is a reason Dante made betrayal the deepest level of hell.” This is in reference to our recent read, "Inferno". (It is the first part of his three-part epic poem "The Divine Comedy," written in the 14th century and considered one of the world’s great works of literature).
It is Dante’s journey through the nine circles of Hell, guided by the poet Virgil. At the beginning of the story, a woman, Beatrice, calls for an angel to bring Virgil to guide Dante in his journey so that no harm will befall him.
The ninth (and deepest) circle of hell is where sins of betrayal or treachery are punished, in a sea of ice fanned frigid by the six wings of the huge, three-faced, fanged and weeping Lucifer! In Dante’s underworld, sinners face a descending vortex of horrendous consequences for all eternity depending on their sins. The lustful are perpetually blown about in a whirlwind; the violent boil in a torrent of blood. But betrayers alone are at the bottom, forever tormented by the angel who betrayed God: Lucifer.
At first, assuming there is such a post-life format, and this is it, I was thrilled to imagine that the people who betrayed my trust, friendship, affection, and loyalty would have to suffer this fate forever. Then I wondered why betrayers would be the most tortured . . . even more than murderers. I concluded that betrayals, usually caused by passing pain along through payback or redirected aggression, are frightening, destructive, painful, humiliating, demoralizing, and so very, very hard to repair. This kind of pain undermines people, relationships (friendships, marriages and families), institutions (churches, schools, businesses, government, politics)—everything. The entire fabric of humanity depends upon people depending upon each other for their word, honesty, and loyalty.
This is reason number 1,001 why I'm in therapy and why I'm a wellness coach. Pain stops with us, as much as we can help it; because let's not set ourselves up for unrealistic standard of perfection.
How to stop passing pain along and survive it;
1. The Christian Way
Every great religion includes processes and procedures for forgiveness and reconciliation. Christianity advocates for forgiveness:
“Then Peter came and said to Him, ‘Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me and I forgive him? Up to seven times?’ Jesus said to him, ‘I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven’” (Matthew 18:21–22).
“And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins” (Mark 11:25).
Perhaps the most widely repeated such injunction comes from Matthew 6:9–13, better known as the Lord’s Prayer: Our Father which art in heaven, Hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done in earth, as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread. And forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil: For Thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, forever. Amen.
Thus, in the Sermon on the Mount (Matthew 5:38–42, NIV), we are told the following: You have heard that it was said, “An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth.” But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also. And if someone wants to sue you and take your tunic, let him have your cloak as well. If someone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles. Give to the one who asks you, and do not turn away from the one who wants to borrow from you. This message was evidently considered important, since it is essentially repeated in the Sermon on the Plain (Luke 6:27–31. NIV) But I tell you who hear me: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. If someone strikes you on one cheek, turn to him the other also. If someone takes your cloak, do not stop him from taking your tunic. Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back. Do to others as you would have them do to you. And in a similar note, here is Luke 6:35–38 and 6:42 Love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, because He is kind to the ungrateful and wicked. Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful. “Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.”… How can you say to your brother, “Brother, let me take the speck out of your eye,” when you yourself fail to see the plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.
Perhaps Jesus did not entirely appreciate the magnitude of the demand He was making upon us as human beings. Would I survive this world if I always refrained from retaliation— only to absorb pain without passing it on to someone else? A tiny voice in mind said I too would have died at 30. May God forgive me for my blasphemy! Clearly I'm a work in progress.
Venture into the ocean, and you might become victim to a shark who is hungry or feeling threatened by your presence or is just doing what it is genetically programmed to do: attack and consume. The shark may take a bite out of you and remove a limb or reveal your innards, and then swim off, not thinking a thing about it. However, the smell of blood brings other sharks to feed in a frenzy of excitement—leaving nothing of you other than the memories of you cherished by your loved ones.
Sharks have no remorse, no morality, no sense of fairness, no concern about the consequences of their actions—as long as their instinctive needs are satisfied. I find that there are human beings who are just like that. So, then, what do we do to survive shark attacks . . . on land?
I can’t for the life of me conjure up the desire to become intimate with and trust people capable of cold-blooded, calculated, destructive, hateful meanness. That just makes no sense to me— unless it is to beguile them into submission by imagining a friendship that is there only out of expediency or self-defense. So what do we do with these people who have crossed the line of disagreement or disapproval into blatant ugliness?
2. The Way of A.A.
One of the best models for forgiveness and character building lies in the Twelve Steps approach of Alcoholics Anonymous. Alcoholics, almost by definition, are guilty of social sins. Liquor typically anesthetizes the conscience of many alcoholics, making them liable to do terrible things to others, things that often seem terrible even to themselves when they sober up enough to evaluate their behavior. The Twelve Steps are a systematic approach to character building, based on Protestant Christianity, but not limited to it. The Steps have proven themselves effective for many alcoholics and also for people addicted to other drugs and dysfunctional behaviors (overeaters, workaholics, sex addicts, people who are healing and so forth).
3. The Game Theorist’s Way
Just as individuals frequently overdo pain-passing, it is also possible to go too far in attempting to avoid it. Thus, some people are insufficiently self-protective, essentially “too nice.” They are themselves victims of co-dependency and “enabling,” ending up as a doormat. Riding to the rescue, or at least helping to clarify this problem, is game theory, a notoriously hardheaded branch of research that is heavily indebted to mathematics. It says;
Start off being nice, then respond as you are treated. If someone with whom you are in a relationship is nice, be nice in return. If nasty, be nasty. But if the other changes and becomes nice, be nice in return; don’t hold a grudge.
Also, randomly offer complete forgiveness and repair, with the prospect of ongoing cooperation. Don’t be a sucker who is always forgiving, regardless of the other’s behavior, but at the same time, provide occasional opportunities to get out of a pointless and endless cycle of mutual hurt.
4. The Therapy way
You know about this one already do you. The takehome message is obvious:
Find a safe professional to regularly help process difficult emotions and experiences so you don't pass along the pain.
Help all children to be wanted and loved, and provide good experiences and resources for them.
Permissive contraception and abortion rights, mandatory child support from both parents, good pediatric care, daycare and schools, as well as additional childcare benefits, and adequate social support for parents – these and other comparable commonsense programs should help create children with maximum mental stability, who would be less likely to precipitate trouble on their own and also less likely to respond to trouble by causing yet more.
Let us imagine that the world's great villains were raised in loving homes and offered treatment for his depression, imposter syndrome, CPTSD emotional immaturity, narcissism, BPD e.t.c, would the world be a better place?
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