Before I discovered journaling, from an outside perspective my life seemed fine, with all the trappings of young success: a college education, a comfortable full-time management position, a large friend group, a happy long-term relationship with my college sweetheart and a small apartment to myself —everything we have always assumed to bring happiness and success. Or so it seemed. Internally, loud and fearful intrusive thoughts clouded my mind:
"You’re going to be stuck in this job forever and never live your dreams".
"Your aspirations to be a creative are is unrealistic for you; you don’t have enough money".
"You’re a fraud and nobody reads your blog anyways. Why do you even have a blog?"
"Why did you eat that?"
"You are stupid! That's why your friends call you a blonde".
"You have already achieved more than your parents thought was possible for you. This is it."
"You can only be the fat funny friend that provides comic relief and make them feel like their flaws are silly. You should just give up now while it seems like you have it together".
"Everyone will eventually abandon you".
"My marriage will fall apart eventually because these days nothing lasts".
I may have seemed brave and confident on the outside, audacious even, but my thoughts were an inner mean girl that would give my mother a run for her money.
I would never say the terrible, negative things I said to myself to a friend or even out loud—but in my head I had free range to beat myself to a pulp, which I did on the regular. This caused me to mask more and more, even as I was sinking into crippling anxiety and depression.
I wasn’t addressing the negative thoughts I had about my body, my childhood trauma, my uncommon aspirations, or my questionable interactions with friends and family. This led to the insecurities I had about my life in general, and I felt so alone even though I was surrounded by people. My mind also become so loud and chaotic so I would quiet the voices by absorbing myself in romantic Korean dramas, being a workaholic, and surrounding myself with people; even though I didn't enjoy it.
I wasn’t talking about these thoughts, either. I was doing everything except really feeling my deep-down emotions and insecurities. I wasn’t ready to get to know myself and sort through my deep-rooted insecurities, find out where they came from, and learn how I could release them for good. It seemed easier to zone out in all the normal socially accepted ways than face my thoughts, emotions, and severe lack of self-confidence.
These incessantly disapproving voices never gave me a moment’s peace. They harangued, nagged, and demeaned me with the overall message that no matter how hard I tried, I could never succeed, could never be good enough. They created such an extreme sensitivity in me that I constantly assumed others were judging me as critically as I was judging myself. Finally I realized that these “critics” were destroying me emotionally, and I made a decision to annihilate them—it was a question of my very survival. Fortunately, my decision led to my recovery, as well as my career as a wellness coach, and the writing of this blog post.
Now, I am the most confident I have ever been.
When was the last time you took inventory of all the things you like about yourself? Over the years, I have asked many of my clients to name 50 things they love about themselves, and although the answers vary, the common denominator is that the answers don’t come easy. They too struggle with intrusive thoughts that constantly challenge their self-worth and self-esteem.
During these sessions, people often get emotional just like I did, because it's really hard for them to not only find things about themselves that they love but also they get to the realization that they cannot even imagine where to start with fostering self-love. This is completely normal and expected. As women,and especially as firstborns daughters, we have been conditioned by our society to focus on others, their needs, and desires, that we often start our our self-love journey not knowing ourselves and self-care needs at all, but instead being very familiar with our inner critic and the negative self-talk that comes along with it.
I think it’s actually a real gift to find ourselves in this position of not knowing because it means we can change. We can start to get to know ourselves and our needs. We can start liking ourselves, taking care of ourselves better, and eventually develop a strong and profound sense of self-love. And from my personal and professional experience, I can tell you, this feeling is magical!
So let's try it together! List 50 things that you like about yourself. I will start.
My essence. It's made a lot of lives better.
I have made the talk therapy and journal therapy I desperately needed during my healing journey, available to people at an affordable price.
I made some people happy this week.
I often say, "I love you" to those I love.
My vulnerability as a writer and content creator.
Don't compete with my family or friends.
I enjoy spending a lot of time with nature.
I started a vegetables garden of my own and it's doing great.
I take great pictures.
I really look into someone's eyes when they are talking to me.
I laugh often.
I feed my neighbor's pets sometimes.
I bake.
I love to cook well for those I love.
I am content, most of the time.
I read a lot.
I have often washed dishes in other people's house when I was a guest.
I can't dance, but that doesn't stop me.
I teach people to how to heal and find themselves.
I know when to be selfish, and when to be selfless.
I honor my boundaries and other people's boundaries.
I have learnt to sit with the discomfort of conflict without panicking about being abandoned..
I am great at making meaningful connections with people.
I am beautiful.
I ask questions.
I'm a safe space for many people.
I enjoy loving.
I am loved deeply by some people.
I pursue healing and self-improvement.
I am determined to do the best I can.
I support human rights. Everybody's human rights.
I value love, respect and loyalty.
I have never made a mistake that I didn't learn.
I am kind and aspire to be humble when it matters.
I'm a thriving entrepreneur.
I survived a lot of trauma with little to no cheerleading from those around me.
I am not focused on getting people to like me.
I love photography and I use to capture beautiful milestones in my life.
I have got some serious curves.
I enjoy my own company.
My love for Korean, Chinese, Japanese, Thailand and Turkish dramas. It keep me out of trouble.
I can make do with very little, but I’m done with settling.
I do my own nails. And hair sometimes.
I make my husband feel like the treasure he is.
I am curious.
I am hardworking and consistence.
I support other people's small businesses when I can.
My good health and improving mental health.
I am wildly ambitious and often delulu.
I am filled with faith.
I would love to know what's on your list. Let me know in the comments section.
See you in the next post.
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