"Yes,I have!"
For most of my life, I have been on survival mode. Too scared of being abandoned, too depressed about being helpless, too anxious about the future, and too busy with the daily struggle that I didn't have the time to be truly enraged by anyone treating me badly. During that period of my life, I couldn't connect the dots or process any of the trauma I was experiencing, so I maintained close relationships with people that I shouldn't have, which caused me to be re-traumatized by them enough times that it became my new normal.
A consequence of being on my healing and self-discovery journey is a massive fall out with all of these people. Just to give you an idea of where I am at now, all of the people in my circle now, are new. And I want to talk about this today.
Let me start by saying this, it has not been easy! When you start to confront people for their bad behavior after years of being a people pleaser and avoiding all conflict, it's going to stir up things, naturally. Part of it is because people don't like to be held accountable, but the bigger part is that people just don't like change, especially when the change doesn't benefit them. For me, this was the easier part.
When I tried to have conversations with the people in my life about how I was feeling hurt by their actions, this new level of vulnerability was not welcomed. A lot of them shut me down. They didn't express a curiosity to understand where I was coming from, or a desire to want to resolve the situation. They simply left the conversation, walk away from me and some even cut me off from their lives. This left the impression that I was being more trouble than they thought I was worth. I was so heartbroken, on top of my financial and mental health struggles at the time. But life goes on. I learnt to navigate life with the few people I had left in my life.
So explain to me why the same people, are now calling me names and running my name through the mud because I am not welcoming them back into my life now that I am in a great space???????
Make it make sense!!!
As the saying goes,"The distance you kept when I was struggling, I need you to double it during my success."
Anyway, on a serious note, here are the real reasons why I have decided to honor my boundaries and not revive those connections...
I no longer aspire to be anyone's ride or die.
They didn't treat me right the first time. Or the second time. Or the third time. They are not even remorseful for the wrongs they did against me and would probably hurt me the same way, if not worse, if I let them back into my life.
Conflict is normal. It's also okay to fall out with some people, and not get along with others or even be resented by some.
Do they even like me? I think not.
They don't celebrate my growth. They see me as nothing more than competition and prefer I remain the old version of me.
I have heard of the hurtful things they have said about me when I wasn't in the room.
I have been running on empty for far too long. I spent huge chunks of my life prioritizing being seen as a good person, people pleasing and being void of boundaries. I put other people's needs and comfort ahead of mine for far too long, I feel I have earned some time off of that.
We have nothing to talk about. Other than reminiscing about the past.
They are determined to misunderstand me and I don't care to correct them.
It's not them, it's me. I am haunted by how much I let slide. Renewing a connection with them will be like spitting in my own face and I don't do that. Anymore.
I can live without them. Sue me!
They don't respect me or hold me in high esteem, and that's perfectly okay. But, that's not the kind of energy I want around me.
They haven't properly apologized and held themselves accountable.
I'm not the person for them. I'm tired of being around people that mock me or look down on me for being weird or different from them. They deserve to be with people who are their version of normal, just like I deserve to be around people who don't make me the topic of the inside joke.
It's not what I want.
Didn't someone teach them that when you throw away something, you can't just pick it back up and pretend nothing ever happened?
I didn't have much to lose then, but I do now. I have finally created a life that I am terrified of loosing. I finally have something I am not prepared to abandon and I can't trust them not to ruin it for me.
There is not a single conversation that could put to rest all of the doubts I have about them.
I can forgive but I can't unsee the version of them that hurt me, intentionally and unapologetically.
I don't want to listen to them blame it on what they were going through because I always made myself the person they could always talk to and come to for help.
Their bare minimum no longer impresses me. I have learnt that it's okay to have certain expectations of the people you allow into your life. For example, I expect a certain level of openness, and respect for the relationship to continue.
It's okay with me if they forget me.
I am sure someone is going to love them. Not me though.
There are billions of other people in the world, we should both give new people a chance instead of focusing on renewing old connections.
We have different values, dreams and aspirations. I value vulnerability and loyalty and they don't.
I want them to regret letting me go.
It may seem like I am now successful and that has a lot to do with why they suddenly want to reconnect but....the images on social media aren't the whole story. Granted, I am in a better space than I was when they left, but I am still a work in progress. So, I probably won't live up to whatever agenda or motive they have for wanting to reconnect.
Whatever reason they had for not valuing our connection the first time, is probably valid.
Endings are sometimes necessary. And this is one of those times.
Sometimes life offers us a second chance to get it right…and sometimes life just offers us a second chance to say goodbye. Sometimes even after all the hurt, and all the waiting, and all the hoping, and all the wishing…for reasons beyond our control, it still doesn’t work out. Sometimes you just know the only way to be true to YOU is to let go and move on.
The goal of this decision is not to remove every person from my life who does not serve my best interest, even though that is a valid choice. Especially if the relationship is harming you physically or emotionally, or neither of you is receiving any real benefit from it, or if putting time into this relationship is hindering a more important one.
The goal is to bring greater intentionality into each of my relationships. I want to find people who will lead me, mentor me, and love me, but I also want to keep in my life people whom I enjoy serving, loving and pouring my life into. Because both are required for a balanced life.
Having said all that, remember that every good-bye makes room for a new hello. When you remove or reduce a harmful relationship, you will experience less distraction and more peace. You will have more time, more energy, and better emotional resources to devote to the people and things that matter most to you. And do you know what? The chances are good that the person you have said good-bye to will be better off in the long run too!
(If you liked this article, you might also enjoy How To Change, Start The Journey of Finding Yourself and 30 Things Every Woman Should Have & Know Before 30)
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