We all get moody sometimes. Our moods can fluctuate throughout the day without much warning. Depending on what is happening in our lives, our moods can be more visible sometimes than at other times. It’s all part of being human. Imagine a world without moods or emotions—no laughing at funny jokes, no crying when your feelings are hurt, no anger when someone insults you, no fear while watching a scary movie, no sadness while life is being a little rough with us—what a boring world that would be.
However, on some days, it's a little more than moodiness. On a day like today, it is depression. The kind of sad that it is not a phase or something that will necessarily pass on its own. My kind of sad.
In today's post I will go ahead and describe it to you, not only so you can learn a little bit about what depression may look like, but also for me. So when I am in a better space, I can come back and see how far I have come.
Here we go;
I am bombarded with negative thoughts which are causing me to feel miserable, worthless, unmotivated, numb, irritable, angry, ashamed, lonely, misunderstood, isolated, regretful, hopeless, and filled with grief. It's overwhelming so I spent my time binge watching Korean dramas to distract myself from my chaotic mind. It's not working though.
My productivity and ability to function is significantly compromised – to such an extent that fulfilling my day-to-day responsibilities can feels unmanageable. I still shower, clean my house and have my sessions with clients but it takes so much out of me to get through each task.
I'm tired! But no amount of rest, or sleep is rejuvenating me."Yes, I have tried talking walks for my mental health." Still depressed.
My sleeping pattern is compromised.When I'm not struggling with insomnia, I'm oversleeping.
I am isolating myself. Previously, I have been isolating myself because I need to focus of growing my coaching practice(valid reason), but now I'm isolating because I don't feel I can trust anyone with this very vulnerable version of me. I don't trust that telling a friend won't make me the topic of their inside jokes. I don't trust that anyone will understand me enough to be helpful. I don't trust that if I pick up the phone, I will have the right words to describe what I feel. I don't trust that I will feel cared for, once I share the contents of my very chaotic mind. And a part of me feels like I am protecting the people I love from this version of me because I know I require more love, care and attention that they are currently capable of giving to me. So I will keep to myself and keep practicing my 'I-am-okay' smile.
"So why I am I comfortable sharing this on the internet? " You ask.
Because, I can't see your faces. Plus, I bet only four people will read this. However, I feel I must clarify that this post is NOT a cry for help. I have my journals on my bedside table and I am scheduling a therapy session tomorrow. And so should you, if you relate to this post.
If you have depression yourself and you can relate to the above, my friend, then please know that you are NOT alone. We will get through this with the help of the right mental health professional.
See you in the next post.
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