In most Western cultures, the transition to adulthood is marked by turning 18, where individuals are expected to take on full responsibility for themselves, including financial independence and living away from their parents. However, in contrast, Kenyan families have a different perspective, especially when it comes to women. In many African communities, reaching the age of 18 does not necessarily signify the same level of independence. It is common for young women to continue living with their parents well beyond this age, only leaving the family home when circumstances like marriage or career opportunities arise.
The decision for young, unmarried women to leave their parental home can be a significant departure from the norm, particularly in religious households where traditional values are strongly upheld. Parents, motivated by love, protection, and a desire to maintain control, may find it challenging to accept their daughters' choice to strike out on their own. The emotional attachment and the role of daughters in providing both emotional and physical care within the family further complicate this dynamic. This cultural difference sheds light on the diverse ways in which societies view the transition to adulthood and the expectations placed on individuals, especially women, as they navigate their paths towards independence and self-sufficiency. The interplay between societal norms, family dynamics, and personal aspirations shapes the experiences of young women as they carve out their identities and assert their autonomy in a complex world.
Years ago when I, as an unmarried 26-year-old, told my parents that I was moving out of their home to a bedsitter closer to my workplace, they were saddened to hear it. I had daydreamed about moving out for a while. I wanted to live in an apartment, somewhere far away. I wanted to come home to a place that smelled the way I wanted it to smell. I wanted to wear whatever clothes I felt comfortable in and read for hours without anyone asking me what I was doing. I wanted a space where I could be me. Unapologetically. Without question.
I had meticulously prepped a list of practical reasons why it would be good for me – closer to work, more responsibilities to challenge me – and after some coaxing, they were pacified and allowed me to move. But the decision did come with some heavy feelings: guilt on my part for ‘abandoning’ them, and not sticking around my siblings, with whom I love spending time; and some shame on theirs.
I wondered; What would my parents think? How would they navigate this? Would I be a terrible daughter if I left? Would I be a terrible sister?
If I moved out, what kind of precedent was I setting for generations to come?
At first, they shrouded the news in secrecy from others in the community in case they were considered bad parents. Women moving out to prioritize their own space, mental health or enjoyment is seldom talked about or approved of in our community, and those who do manage it can sometimes be ostracized.
Being the eldest daughter in a Kenyan religious household, the traditional expectations and cultural norms added layers of complexity to my yearning for independence. The reluctance of my parents to embrace my desire to move out, unless sanctioned by marriage, posed a significant obstacle in my pursuit of autonomy. While this caused me to hesitate, I didn't let it hold me back from my dream of living completely on my own. I was determined to not put my life on hold until a man choose to make a wife out of me.
Fueled by unwavering determination and a resolute spirit, I refused to tether my aspirations to the whims of societal conventions or the timing of marital unions. It was a pivotal moment when I seized the opportunity, propelled by a well-deserved promotion to a managerial role, to take the leap towards independence.
As a grown woman, I also found living with my parents to be obstructive to my privacy. Left the lights on in the middle of the night? I’ll be prepared for grilling about why I don’t sleep proper hours. In the mood for fried chicken that you ordered? They will be nag about how fried chicken is unhealthy, and how there is food at home.
That is well and all for a teenager. However, I was already an adult woman, and was one for well over a decade. I may always be their baby daughter, but I wanted to be respected as an adult.
So, I said I wanted to move out… and then people imposed their mindset on me.
“The worry here is that my reputation will be tarnished, people will make assumptions about me that I have strayed from my values or that I’m on drugs or sleeping around. I explained how being out of the loop of the industry and the whole situation was negatively affecting me but gained no sympathy,” says Kemunto, a friend of mine who is also a firstborn daughter.
Like many of the firstborn daughters I work with in therapy; guilt, shame, and family expectations became the cage that I felt trapped in, but was too scared to open. As the eldest child, the pressure to fulfill responsibilities and meet the demands of others can be overwhelming. The idea of choosing oneself can feel like a betrayal of the role one has been assigned, a deviation from the path set by tradition and familial norms.
The internal conflict between personal desires and familial obligations can create a sense of being torn between two worlds. The fear of disappointing loved ones and the sense of duty ingrained from a young age can make breaking free from this cycle seem like an insurmountable challenge. The struggle to prioritize self-care and individual needs while balancing the expectations placed upon the firstborn daughter can lead to a profound sense of internal conflict and emotional turmoil.
Navigating this complex web of emotions requires a deep exploration of one's own identity, values, and boundaries. And that's where moving out comes in. It involves challenging deeply ingrained beliefs about duty and sacrifice, and finding the courage to redefine the meaning of selflessness in a way that includes self-love and self-prioritization. Only by confronting these internal struggles and breaking free from the cage of guilt and shame can one begin to forge a path towards personal fulfillment and authentic self-expression.
As a wellness coach, I am reminded everyday about how hard it can be to navigate our own wants and needs over those of our family. Over the past year I have been working with countless young women who are breaking cultural norms by moving out before marriage. These cultural norms are the unsaid expectations within their community. You only move out if you are going to school far away or are getting married. You definitely don’t move out to have space from your family or to explore who you are outside of the family structure.
Some of these women have made the decision and made the move, others are just on the precipice. They are trying to decide, not if they’re capable of being on their own, but if they can handle the fall out from their family. It’s a strange place to be, when you know that moving out is the right decision for you but also know deep down that there will be a price to pay emotionally with those you have lived with your family whole life.
To all the parents who have daughters that are brave enough to consider living on their own, outside of the institution of marriage, I’ll say this:
The greatest gift you can give your daughters is to set them free. Your daughters are not property who should go from their father’s house to their husband’s. Let them have their own space. Let them know what it feels like to care for no one but themselves. So few women get this chance and they need it so much.
Parents, you are robbing them of precious time and moments. I know it’s not intentional, you want to protect them from the world who will label the girl who moves out as difficult, disobedient and promiscuous. We know that you love us and want only the best for us. But if you don’t change the conversation then we will never be free. Neither will your granddaughters or any woman that comes after them. It’s on us to break these cycles.
The change begins with you. We can’t keep handing the shackles of caregiving to the daughters and women in our lives. Don’t just allow your girls to move out, encourage them! Everyone could use the lessons an independent life teaches us.
To the moms and dads reading this, please start the conversation with each other. Your daughter will not be any less yours if she moves out. You’re not just giving her the space to be her own person, but you’re allowing her to figure out who she really is. More importantly, the confidence you show in her is the same confidence she will put out into the world.
Set her free. Encourage her to explore the world, to make mistakes, to learn from them, and to grow into a strong, independent individual. By supporting her independence, you are empowering her to navigate life's challenges with resilience and determination. Embrace the idea that your daughter's worth is not defined by her relationship status but by her ability to thrive on her own terms.
As parents, it is essential to recognize that fostering independence in your daughters is not a sign of abandonment but a gesture of trust and belief in their capabilities. By encouraging them to pursue their dreams and aspirations, you are instilling in them the confidence to chase their goals fearlessly.
Remember, setting your daughter free does not diminish your role in her life; it enhances it. Your unconditional love and support will be the guiding light that illuminates her path towards self-discovery and fulfillment. So, empower your daughters, uplift them, and watch them soar to great heights.
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