Money is one of the most loaded topics out there—we love money, hate money, obsess over money, ignore money, resent money, hoard money, crave money, bad-mouth money; money is rife with so much desire and shame and weirdness it’s a wonder we can utter the word above a whisper, let alone go out and joyfully rake it in. The reason we all pursue, desire and fiercely protect money is because of what we can do with it. And no, of course money can’t buy you love or happiness. Although it can buy a good deal of pleasure – and remove a lot of unhappiness. It gives you access to plenty of new people, places, opportunities and so much more.
For example, here are some of the ways I aspire to spend the money I don't yet have. I can heare you judging me already but let me sip my cocktail and keep it delulu.
Here goes;
Security. A home of my own and enough money in the bank to support me in the way I want, plus a bit in hand for emergencies, and a big enough pension to ensure a comfortable retirement.
Comfort. A warm and spacious house, a beautiful car, someone to clean, do the laundry, another to garden or mind the kids, and good quality medical care whenever I want it.
Luxuries. Exotic holidays, fine wines, meals in top-class restaurants, expensive clothes, the best seats at concerts, the opera and whatever else I enjoy.
Mobility. First-class plane tickets, trips on cruise ships, and chauffeur-driven cars wherever I am in the world.
Status. Prestigious invitations, access to important people and exclusive clubs, and perhaps even gratifying deference from others.
Influence. As a generous donor of substantial sums, being able to make sure that my views and wishes are listened to and taken seriously.
Freedom. Not being dependent on employers, bosses, creditors, clients, customers. Not being a slave to the calendar, diary or clock. Knowing I won’t have to be a burden on anyone.
Leisure. Time to do the things I want, go where I want, meet who I want, when I want.
Popularity. Being able to entertain family, friends, acquaintances and contacts frequently and generously, which will do wonders for my social life.
Philanthropy. Being able to make regular and substantial donations, which gives me the satisfaction of helping people, supporting organizations and furthering causes I believe in.
Seems like a reasonable enough list to me. And I think it’s safe to assume that money is something you want to have more of also. All is well and good, but time for a note of caution: if money is important to you, then your attitude towards other people’s money will have a big impact on your overall satisfaction with life. Especially when they choose to do things with money that directly affect you. Whether it’s your big sister's money, your husband's money, your children’s money, your parents’ money, your friends’ money, or your relative's money– you need to make yourself pretty immune to other people’s financial decisions in order to avoid a great deal of heartache, upset and even hurt.
In today's post, I would like to share rules and boundaries I have developed for myself and other people - in my personal life as well as my professional, in order to remain happy and content with my journey, while interacting with all kinds of people.
So the rules that follow are designed to help you handle your attitude to other people’s wealth while you’re building up your own. You don’t want to become wracked and knotted with jealousy, frustration, stress, bile and misery while you watch other people make stupid mistakes (or at least what you consider to be stupid mistakes) with the money they have and you covet. No, you want to be able to separate your own fortunes from those of everyone around you, so that you don’t take their financial decisions personally, or get hung up on how they spend their money, or how they should be contributing to your financial well-being. Then you can simply resolve to do the right thing when it comes to your own wealth, and other people’s decisions will be nothing to do with you. It’s easier said than done, but I hope the rules that following will help you.
RULE 1: Don't Judge
I remember meeting a friend of a friend once, who I knew was seriously rich. We were invited to a party at his house and you could see from the minute you entered the neighborhood how wealthy he was, before you even caught sight of the house. And once inside, the manicured gardens, grande piano and view of the parking spot reserved for the chopper would leave you speechless. It was all very fancy. I’ll admit that the inverted snob in me had already decided that I couldn’t possibly relate to him much, never mind like him. I imagined an out of touch, arrogant, privileged – oh yes, I had pre-judged him utterly before we ever actually met. Of course, when I was introduced to him (surprise, surprise) he turned out to be so different. Down-to-earth, empathetic, amusing, and a great listener.
I know it’s clichéd but it’s still so easy to walk into the trap of judging people by their money. That particular man, like many others, was born into money and privilege and most of us have a slightly different view of such people because we have a more ordinary/humble background, with aspirations to acquire money later in life. So we make judgements about these people before we even know them.
If we make assumptions about people because of the money they have – earned, inherited or otherwise acquired – it’s us who deserve to be harshly judged. We are the ones behaving predictably. Lots of wealthy people give away stacks of money to good causes. Not all of them will shout about it though, so you might not even know. Many of them are completely grounded people who do understand what life is like for the rest of us. Most of them are as sensible with their wealth as you or I would like to be in their position. I don’t assume that everyone I meet who has little or no money is automatically bound to be a good person, so why should I assume that someone with lots of money is a bad person? Most people are just themselves, whether they happen to have loads or nothing at all. So let’s just see them for who they are and not for what they have.
RULE 2: Don’t envy it
It’s hard to look at wealthy people and not wish you had what they have. I still struggle with it myself. Mind you, we don’t necessarily know what else they have that goes with the money – they may have all kinds of personal problems or hidden angst you wouldn’t want.
But it's harder said than done.
If your sister, your friend from collage or the next door neighbor who to you doesn’t seem to do much work, yet they have three overseas holidays a year, while you’re working all hours and can’t financially justify a weekend in Mombasa, it can be pretty hard to bear. I knew someone who cut off all contact with her best friend, much as she loved her, because she simply couldn’t cope with her own jealousy as her friend grew slowly wealthier over the years, while her own fortunes dwindled. It was very sad. She ended up no wealthier, and now she had given up her best friend as well. But that’s not all. The best friend went on to suffer a terrible personal tragedy, which she would gladly have given all her money to avoid, which is my main point. You see, if you don’t have money, you can imagine it’s the answer to everything.
‘‘If only I had a seven figure annual income, everything would be perfect’’.
But it isn’t, you see. Which means that while you’re busy envying wealthy people for their money, they are busy envying other people (maybe even you) for the genuine love they receive from others, their marriage, or their health, or their social accomplishments, or the fact that their job is so rewarding. Listen, we can all find things to envy in others, however poor or wealthy we are. Or we can be grateful for everything we have and build on it, instead of focusing after what other people have got.
RULE 3: Other people’s money belongs to them
When you read in your daily newspaper that some celebrity has spent a fortune on yet another mansion, or invested part of their wealth in an exciting new project, or given away millions to charity, the odds are that you think it’s up to them if they want to be stupid/generous/take risks. You shrug and move on to the next story. It’s harder when it’s your parents though, isn’t it? Or your friend, sibling, work colleague, neighbor? Suppose your brother decides to spend all his savings on buying a holiday home while you are struggling to make ends meet, or your best friend wants to plough all their money into some business idea that you think will crash, or your parents want to make a big donation to a cause in church that’s special to them, or your colleague wants to spend thousands on cosmetic surgery that you don’t think they even need. Are you still going to shrug and turn the page?
What if your father chooses to stop financially supporting you because you are no longer living a life he approves of? What if you mother chooses to stop pouring into you because she doesn't perceive you as a good investment? What if your spouse chooses to hound resources while watching you struggle to meet your basic needs? What if your sibling would rather spend their money on someone they just met than loan you some money to start a business? Are you going to hold a grudge or let them spend their money how they please?
Sometimes it’s not easy to follow this rule. After all, you might be really concerned that these people are making a terrible mistake. But, it's your money, not is it your life to live. People are allowed to say "no" to you and even be irresponsible with their money if they want to. It’s theirs. Maybe they don’t approve of some of your choices, but you don’t want them telling you so, because it’s none of their business. Instead of being upset or frustrated, put your head down and work on building your wealth. And maybe make a mental note to adjust your boundaries and expectations to match their boundaries with you and expectations because since other people’s money belongs entirely to them, to do with as they please, so it follows that you can do as you like with your own money.
RULE 4: Don’t make money taboo
Conversations about money are tricky. I don’t really know why this came to be, but it’s true – at least in most cultures. Absurdly, we find it difficult to talk about money even with our nearest and dearest.
I remember going into isolation because I was too embarrassed to admit to my friends that even though they perceived me as successful, I was actually too broke to afford even a coffee date. Looking back, I have always been too embarrassed to ask for financial help, even when I desperately needed it. It always felt like admitting defeat and I do perhaps have an unhealthy determination to be self-made. But that's a topic to unpack with my therapist.
Now, most of the time this really doesn’t matter. We have all learnt to find ways to achieve most of what we need without having to have those embarrassing, sordid, cringey, uncomfortable conversations. But maybe we need to normalize these conversations. Not for the people that already feel too comfortable asking for money, entitled even, but those that maybe suffering in silence. For them, let normalize conversations about money.
What rule do you have about money? Let me know in the comments section, I would love to learn from you.
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