What do you remember from your childhood? How about from your teens and early twenties? Almost everyone remembers some bits and pieces, if not more. Perhaps you have some positive memories, like family vacations, teachers, friends, school trips or academic awards; and some negative memories, like your first heartbreak, family conflicts, sibling rivalries, friendship break ups, problems at school, or even some sad or troubling events.
The way you can look back to those memories, is the same way your future self is can look back at you in the present moment, during the big moments or even the daily routines.
Your future self is watching you right now, through your memories. Just like you can watch your past self by looking back on your past memories.
With this in mind, what advice do you think your future self would give you?
Here is a little of what I think she would say to me.
Dear Present self,
1. Those who hurt & abandoned you, circle back.
Remember that time you were at what felt like rock bottom? You were frequently sick, anxious and depressed. You slept poorly and not enough.The muscles in your neck and shoulders felt more like rock than tissue, and the circles under your eyes looked like bruises. Your heart—the heart we used to offer so freely, the heart we used to wear proudly on our sleeve—had retreated deep inside your chest, wounded and seeking protection. You got migraines, panic attacks and then vertigo. Your sanity was hanging on by a tread and who you expected would be helpful, kicked you further down. Or didn't show up for you at all. That day, you learnt that rock bottom has a basement and crawl space further down.
Anyway, those people will try to come back into your life as if nothing happened. Audacious and unapologetic. Don't let them in. Please.
2. The best thing you ever did for us is...
Beginning your healing and self-discovery journey. And eventually helping other do the same.
It took tremendous courage to confront your childhood trauma. It was like searching in the dark for an unknown source of pain. It felt like what I imagine walking through must be like.
The process of healing can feel daunting, if not terrifying. But you did it. It helped us illuminate that darkness and we entered a new world of personal freedom.
3. Keep Journaling
Our old journals make for an interesting read. They also help me stay grounded.
Thank you.
4. Keep learning to express your true emotions.
Stop running away from the painful reality. To stop betraying yourself to maintain the peace with your family and 'friends'. You see the disrespect and you are hurt by it. Allow the truth to enter your consciousness and make peace with it. Disassociating and suppression has worked because it satisfied the longing you had to be loved and seen as a good person.
"I am blind as you want me to be. I am ready to forget all your cruelty, even at the cost of my life. Can you love me now?"
In the long term, you have had to pay a high price for this repression because the repressed story continued to try, again and again, to be heard at long last.Thus, your plight looked for other symptoms, another language, until it is taken seriously enough. This explains our anxiety, depression, CPTSD, people pleasing, fear of confrontations, and so much more.
Decide to stop betraying yourself because you understand that only you can give yourself the love and care you never received and that you can’t do that as long as you deny the truth.
5. Be a little hard to love.
I know you love people so hard that you are tempted to always morph into someone they will find easy love but... that will cost you. Instead, take the pressure off of yourself and allow yourself to be an inconvenience sometimes so the people that value your presence in their lives will have the opportunity to be seen.
6. Pay people compliments as often as you can.
Make it a habit to tell someone when you think he or she has done something good. Everybody likes to hear people saying nice things about him or her. It doesn’t cost anything to pay somebody a compliment and a genuine compliment is one of the best gifts you can give. It doesn’t get old or wear out, and it will make somebody happy—somebody who may remember it forever.
Don't worry that other people will think you are trying to get on somebody’s good side, or that you are trying to be the “teacher’s pet.” There is nothing wrong with any compliment, as long as you really mean it— even if it’s a compliment to your teacher or to your sister. It is always right to say something nice to another person, even if that person is someone you do not know very well.
7. Keep redefining what success means to you.
Right now, you are still what a lot of the people you know would call a failure. You are not pursing further institutional education, your business is still in it's infancy stage and your bank balance is lacking. Don't be too bothered when people look down on you for this because they are measuring your choices but their own definition of success. If you fall out with these people, it's not because you are no longer a good and deserving person. They treat you different because you no longer fit their aesthetic of what they decided success looks like. So don't take it personally, but do spend less time with such people.
Instead, keep focusing of learning new skills, self-discovery, healing and finding joy in growing your business.
8. People leave traces of who they truly are, you are just not picking up the signs.
If somebody has done a bad deed or you see them mistreating someone else and then they come back and say, "oh, something just came over me. This has happened only once, it's not who I am." Don't believe them because nobody just ever does something just once. Go back and see their patterns of behavior. When they do something bad, they have probably done it before and will do it again. So if you see a friend cheat or mistreat their romantic partner or family member, run the other way because sooner or later, they will mistreat you too.
And if a relationship can be ruined by an open, mature and honest conversation, it deserves to end. Let go the fear of being abandoned by those who don't deserve to be in your life.
9. Being careful with my commitments.
We easily jump on board with anything that sounds good for us. A diet? Of course. Volunteering with church this Saturday? Absolutely. We know these things are important and good, so we say yes, assuming the value of the commitment will motivate us into following through. Unfortunately, that isn’t always the case. Slow down your yes. Only commit to things you know you can accomplish because they’re incredibly important to you.
Otherwise you set yourself up for continued failure.
10. Be very excited for the future.
It’s not going to be easy; nothing is easy when you are trying to be an innovator– its actually downright messy at times. We will stumble, have setbacks, and wish we could have done more.
Don’t worry so much about that, we will be successful in our endeavors to create a happy, healthy, and joyful community around us.
You will have days when you will get frustrated, you know this from past years. Things might not progress at the speed you like, projects may not turn out as planned, or one thoughtless unkind act will make you wonder if it’s all worth it. But, it is. Everything has a purpose.
11. Don't wait for permission or seek approval and validation.
Just do your best and the world will catch up to your greatness.
And lastly.....
I know you are wondering;
Are we wealthy?
Did we make it in life?
Are we happy?
Are we famous?
Did we create a lasting legacy?
Did we raise kind and happy children?
Do we have that huge beautiful mansion?
Did we make lots of meaningful connections with other beautiful souls?
The answer to all those questions is...Yes! We did all that and so much more.
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