As the oldest daughter in my family, I always took pride in not needing my parent's help, support, attention, or protection. I aspired to be the child my mother didn't have to worry about. And for a time, I succeeded.
Up until my hyper-independence and people pleasing led me to burn out because, like a lot of people, I had been running on empty for years.
In order to heal, I have had to find ways to feel safe and worthy so I could naturally know how to ask and receive help,love, and support. I also had to learn to set standards for my relationships, communicate my concerns, and gracefully accept all the love, help, support, or gifts that are being offered to me, with little to no guilt about being a burden.
And isn’t that really what relationships are about? Giving and receiving. One person generously showing their love, support and commitment through a home-cooked meal, a mowed lawn, emotional support, an encouraging text message or a pricey handbag. And the other person graciously receiving love through vulnerability, an open heart or reciprocating the other person's efforts.
Our ability to receive open-heartedly can be ruined by many different things. Perhaps you were taught that a good child is one who doesn't bother their parents, and this misguidance conditioned you to downplay your needs. This was intended to make you easy to love, but it make you feel isolated and neglected, with lots of unresolved trauma and resentment. And this pattern can be generations deep.
Worse yet, maybe you were taught that you don’t deserve to receive without giving something in return, as they say, “there’s no such thing as a free lunch.” This conveys the message that you are unworthy just as you are, which is completely untrue.
So how do we validate our 'having needs' and learn how to receive gracefully what is being offered?
Mirror work! And a whole lot of affirmations.
Let's dive into the specifics.
Step 1: Mirror work
(Mirror work is looking deeply into your eyes in the mirror and repeating affirmations)
I have been using mirror work and teaching my coaching program clients how to do mirror work because I understand that whatever we say or think is an affirmation. All of your self-talk, the dialogue in your head, is a stream of affirmations. These affirmations are messages to your subconscious that establish habitual ways of thinking and behaving. Positive affirmations plant healing thoughts and ideas that support you in developing self-confidence and self-esteem, and creating peace of mind and inner joy.
And the most powerful affirmations are those you say out loud when you are in front of your mirror.
Doing mirror work is one of the most loving gifts you can give yourself. It takes only a second to say, “Hi, sexy,” or “Looking good,” or “Isn’t this fun?” It’s so important to give yourself little positive messages throughout the day. The more you use mirrors for complimenting yourself, approving of yourself, and supporting yourself during difficult times, the deeper and more enjoyable your relationship with yourself will become.
For most of us, sitting in front of a mirror and facing ourselves is difficult at first, so we call this process mirror work. But as you continue, you become less self-critical, and the work turns into mirror play. Very soon your mirror becomes your companion, a dear friend instead of an enemy.
Step 2: Affirmations
Stand or sit in front of your bathroom mirror.
Look into your eyes.
Take a deep breath and repeat any of the affirmations below:
Asking for help is a sign of self-respect and self-awareness.
I am allowed to ask for what I want and what I need.
I am complete as I am, others simply support me.
I am held and supported by those who love me.
I am loved and worthy.
I have the courage to be vulnerable.
Sharing my true self is brave and I’m proud of myself for my courage.
I am not needy, I have needs like everyone else.
My needs deserve to be met as much as anyone else’s.
My feelings matter, and those who care about me want to hear what they are.
People love me even when I’m struggling, they won’t love me less for asking for help.
I am proud of myself for sharing my true feelings even when it feels scary.
I do not have to try to be perfect all of the time.
If it’s important to me it’s worth sharing.
I will find the love that is right for me by being my true self, not the version I think others want me to be.
My discomfort deserves acknowledgement.
Sharing my feelings allows others to know me better, and in turn love me better.
I am allowed to be flawed and worthy of care.
I am safe and surrounded by love and support.
I am still learning so it’s okay to make mistakes.
I am understood and my perspective is important.
I am valued and helpful.
I am worthy of investing in.
I belong here, and I deserve to take up space.
I can be soft in my heart and firm in my boundaries.
I do all things in love.
I do not have to linger in dark places; there is help for me here.
I hold community for others, and am held in community by others.
I invite abundance and a generous heart.
I practice gratitude for all that I have, and all that is yet to come.
Throughout the day, each time you pass a mirror or see your reflection, please repeat these affirmations, even if you have to do it silently.
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