I’m a private person, ironically. “Ironic” because in my writing, I have shared the kind of personal information that the FBI, CID or SVU couldn't get you to spill.
I share a lot!
My observations. My poems. My favorite recipes. My thoughts. My feelings. My perspective. My intimate musings. My odd observations. My intense moments. My the internal dialogue. My ups. My downs. And the in-betweens.
I’m part of a generation that shares everything, and maybe that's a part of the reason why I have even made vulnerability a part of my career.
But aside from my online presence that allows glimpses into my life, I tend to keep my thoughts, opinions, and words to myself. Where the general public is concerned, or in real life interactions to be specific, I often remain silent. I like to think of myself as a listener—an observer.
I wasn't always like this though. I was the kind of person that would say just about anything that comes to mind. Anything. I would let my mind spill its contents like a cup with no lid, whether those contents are applicable to the moment or not. I would dish it all.
Thank God I have healed and grown out of this character trait because I now know that it was a huge mistake to think I could trust everyone with my true thoughts, feelings and intentions.
My growing up has brought with it the realization that this world is not all love, cotton candy and giggles. Like many others, when I let go of my security blankets—parents, siblings, childhood home, and familiar surroundings—and learnt to stand on my own two feet, the more I saw society’s true colors, and the more I become aware of what really goes on behind seemingly perfect but staged scenes: the social masks we all wear, the brave fronts we put up, and the curated personas that don’t align with who we truly are.
I am still growing up and learning that I have been wrong about many more things since.
I have been wrong for thinking that I am hard to love.
I have been wrong for thinking that being the overly compliant child will guarantee me happiness and success. I was so wrong about this.
I have been wrong about thinking that it's embarrassing to been seen trying, or not be great at the first try.
I have been wrong to be so consumed by others people's opinions of me.
I was wrong to wait for the people that hurt me to take responsibility for my scars, for me to heal.
I have been wrong for letting my need to belong, overtake my pride and instinct for self-preservation because when people know that you prioritize the relationship with them, at the expense of the relationship with yourself, they will use you to hurt yourself. And get away with it, every time.
I have been wrong to forgiving and forget. More often than not, this enables repeated bad behavior or abuse.
I have been wrong for spending huge chunks of my time consuming overwhelming amounts of content, just to stop a single sad thought from forming.
I was wrong to seek validation only from outside sources.
I have been wrong for feeling guilty for needing to isolate to heal and self-discover.
I have been wrong about thinking I'm not good enough.
I have been wrong about the power people have over me.
I have been wrong for feeling guilty for outgrowing friendships.
I have been wrong to ignore my instincts and intuition.
I have been wrong for not having boundaries because I wanted to be perceived as a good person. Compassion and empathy with boundaries is self-harm and self-destruction.
I have been wrong for aspiring to be someone nobody hates.
I have been wrong to think I don't need help, and support. Or therapy.
I have been wrong to have friends that often made me the topic of their inside jokes.
I have been wrong to think that there are wrong feelings. There are wrong ways to behave but there are no wrong feelings. It's okay to feel whatever you are feeling. It's valid, and there is also a reason behind those feelings.
I have been wrong for being hyper-involved in my siblings upbringing. I was a child that needed nurturing too.
I have been wrong to think it's noble to be loyal past abuse. There are other healthy ways to show one's love and loyalty. Ways that don't involve enabling abuse or putting yourself in unsafe situations.
I have been wrong to think it was normal to have no one to depend on.
I have been wrong to ignore the micro-agressions. Run! Those people don't like you.
I have been wrong to welcome criticism from people whose lives don't reflect the kind of joy, happiness and success I aspire to have.
I have been wrong to not take my mental health seriously for so long.
I have been wrong to be afraid of having no friends. This made me tolerate too much hurt and disrespect.
I have been wrong to be afraid of confrontations. They are an opportunity for growth and healing.
I have been wrong for aspiring to be a ride or die. Blind loyalty is not it.
I have been wrong to give love, so I can get it back. Only give love because you have enough to get to others.
I have been wrong to not give the empathy and compassion I readily give to others,to myself.
I was wrong to not have more than 4hours of sleep the night before my wedding.
And so on and so on.
Every single time you learn that you were wrong, you have the opportunity for growth. If you take it, you become more than you ever were before. Stronger, wiser, and all sorts of good things. But ... Being wrong can feel so threatening, can't it? I prefer to be right, of course! I try and make it my business to make right decisions and come to right conclusions and have right information and so on - because doing all those things right makes life much better and easier.
But I'm always open to the possibility that I'm wrong about stuff, and it doesn't hurt me when I learn that I am. I don't feel less-than because I was wrong. I am able to take off the wrong opinion/belief with as little trauma as removing an old worn-out pair of shoes, and putting on the new shiny shoes that I can admire and enjoy. Being wrong is something I do, not something I am. And therefore it does not reflect badly on me to be wrong, so it’s easy for me to own when I am wrong.
What are some things that you may have been wrong about? Let me know in the comments section.
See you on the next posts.
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