Have you or someone you love experienced Toxic Relationships? How about Gaslighting?
Signs of Toxic Relationships might include:
Emotional abuse & blackmail
Verbal abuse (belittling, blaming, bullying, shaming, raging)
Manipulation & controlling behavior
Social isolation & creating mistrust for those outside the relationship
Physical or digital privacy invasion
Exploitation, objectification, withholding, neglect & more.
Signs that someone is Gaslighting you might include:
Denial of your recollection of events
Refusal to consider your point of view
Calling you “crazy” or “overly sensitive” when you voice concerns
Twisting what happened to shift the blame to you
If you've experienced Toxic Relationships & Gaslighting...you are not alone. AND I have a life-changing insight to share with you.
I started journaling because I had a suspicion I was being gaslit. Turns out I was right. And not just by one person. I was kind of person that trusted in the people I loved so much that I always put their opinions and comfort above mine, and this put them in a unique position of power and influence over me. While this was a way for me to express my love and trust in them, I was naive to assume this power could never be used against me.
Taking the time to write in my journal everyday not only affirmed my reality, but it also helped me stop empowering people to have power over me. And now that I know better, I would like to talk about how toxicity presents itself in relationships with family, friends or romantic partner, because while it is normal to allow the people you love to have influence over you, toxic people will abuse that power and influence. Sometimes, without you realizing it.
But first, grab a drink. And your journal. You will need it.
In ancient China, there was a form of torture and execution know as Lingchi also known as death by a thousand cuts. In this form of execution,the subject was kept alive for months or even years simply by never delivering the death blow. Instead, a knife was used to methodically remove portions of the body over an extended period of time, eventually resulting in death. The person never bled out but they were forever in pain until death.
I bring this up because we get the English phrase 'death by a thousand cuts' from Lingchi in regards to relationships. Very often in our relationships, we fear the big blows where our spouse cheats on us, a relationship turns violent, a friend betrays us, a parents is extremely violent or you are suddenly laid off after years of loyalty and dedication. We think that toxic relationships are those that cause harm from those big blows but this is not always the case.
The toxicity of a relationship can be chronic (happening over longterm, repeated exposure), or it can be acute (presents as big traumatic experiences). For example, the toxic effects of criticism may accumulate over years and be damaging in the long run, or the damage can be cause by a harmful act done in the moment, such as when a parent/partner severely beats a child or a partner.
Whether chronic or acute however, the toxicity sours a relationship that should be warm, supportive, and enjoyable.
Sometimes toxicity can result from seemingly positive acts. For instance, showing affection to a friend is a beneficial way to express care, warmth, and love. Moderately excessive affection can feel intrusive and stifling to someone, and extremely excessive affection can step into the realm of sexual abuse.
Particular behaviors such as competition, teasing, humor, control, and tough love can all have healthy or harmful effects depending on the intensity of expression, the number times they occur, the context in which they are expressed, and the psychological and interpersonal needs and sensitivities of the child.
To determine the toxicity (the level of harmfulness) of the relationship you suspect is toxic, consider the following factors:
level of exposure,
recurrence of exposure,
preparation,
purpose, and
the particular sensitivities of the other person.
You can do this evluation over a certain period of time on your journal. Say 100 days.
And once you do that, here are a few statements to help you start setting boundaries in those toxic relationships because setting healthy boundaries is how you take your power back;
"Let me think about it, I will get back to you tomorrow."
"Wow! Those plans sound great. I am afraid I can not come this time but please keep me in mind for the next time."
"I am not comfortable with you speaking about other people like that."
"Yes, I received all your texts. Just so you know for the future, I will always replay but it will be at a time that works best for me."
"I do not give hugs to people I just met."
"I do not work on the weekends."
"I have a different take on that subject...."
"I am sorry you are having a tough time, but I am tired and will not be able to be present with you right now. Can we revisit this conversation later?"
"I need some space after our disagreement, I will let you know when am ready to talk."
"I function best within a monogamous relationship, so of that is not what you are looking for, I am not going to be spending time with you anymore."
"Yes, I heard you. I just do not respond to yelling."
"I do not appreciate being addressed like that. If you raise your voice again, I will end this conversation."
"That sounds great but its not something I can commit to right now."
"I do not mind having a conversation but give me a hour to unwind from work."
"You are too comfortable disrespecting me."
"Thank you, but I do not have the time and energy for this right now."
"No."
"I will not be drinking tonight."
"Can I check my calendar and get back to you on whether I have the capacity to support that."
"That's not how I see it. My understanding is...."
"My emotional response is perfectly appropriate given your behavior."
"Thank you so much for thinking of me. I am not available in person but I would love to chat on the phone for a bit?."
"Oh! I really want to but I can't. What other day works for you?"
"I will not be able to make it this time, I have to be up by 7am. Hope you have fun!"
"If this behavior continues, I will not feel safe. You will need to find another place to sleep."
"When you are this late again without calling, I will eat dinner without you."
"When your voice is calm, I will share my thoughts."
"I won't be able to, but why don't you ask Christine? I bet she will be able to."
"I am sorry you feel that way."
"I understand that you are upset. Perhaps we should discuss this later when we are both in a calmer state of mind."
Please keep in mind that while every person can makes mistakes, it is the frequency and intensity of certain interactions that is damaging. In addition, not only do toxic relationships have negative effects on your psyche, they also have implications on your self-worth, confidence and your future friendships, and romantic relationships. The stakes are high.
Good luck!
Comments