I’m delusional.
And I don’t care who knows it.
I have the kind of grandiose dreams and aspirations that others will characterize as crazy and wildly unrealistic. Before you start speculating about my character and my sanity . . . let me explain myself.
Generally, as adults, we are expected to be steady, clear eyed and largely predictable, not the sort of person who holds grand illusions about themselves, their abilities, and their future prospects. Or lets the whims of her heart's desire and soul's purpose color her decision making or interactions with others. People who lack such illusions are perceived as mentally healthier, happier and better liked.
But what can I say, I am the latter. Rather than be firmly planted in reality, I romanticize my current life and dream of an even more abundant life in the near future. Being delusional is not just something I like to do, it's also survival mechanism. No one ever achieved something great by reaching for low-hanging fruit, right?
I mean, I do like to do it too.
I thoroughly enjoy planning on how I will spend my billions or what I will do when I get to heaven no matter how crazy that sounds. I have the decor picked out for the nursery in the mansion I don't yet have. And I am writing an acceptance speech for an award I know I will win one day.
To be clear, I'm speaking specifically about positive delusions!
I love to dream up the best case scenarios even though I don't yet understand how it will come to pass. It’s also kind of ingrained in me. My brain naturally leans in the direction of big dreams, big achievement and even stardom. Like a flower to the sun. Like writing with my right hand.
And turns out, it’s not just a bad habit. It's the reason why I now have a life I love.
Seriously.
The very thing that made me a laughing stock among my peers, has saved my life. Being delusional is responsible for me having a career in management supervising a staff of over a hundred. Being delusional is responsible for my big wedding and happy marriage. It's responsible for everything— everything I’ve done, everything I am, everything I have.
Without the blind optimism, the perseverance, and my consistently showing up all bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, it is highly likely that right now, today, I would be living a very quiet life in my childhood home, single, unemployed and struggling with a plethora of mental illnesses. Instead, the figments of my imagination altered whatever downward path people expected my life to take. The stuff I envisioned for myself carried me from the small bedsitter I rented near my workplace, and then it took me all the way to the highly respectable suburbs of Nairobi. My destiny rides squarely on the my audacity to dream big.
The dreams and aspirations that made me the subject of inside jokes among my peers years ago, are the same dreams and aspirations that now allow me to sit by the pool on a sunny Sunday afternoon at the sports club, sipping my cocktail. And on my way home, I will buy a bottle of wine plus a variety of fruits and vegetables at the grocery store and not worry about the price. Being able to shop and not worry about the price is very important to me. It was a goal because once when I was living alone, struggling to pay my bills and still be a bad bitch, I often had no money. Sometimes I had to choose between making my hair and buying things like toilet paper. It was either brunch with the girls on Sundays or pay rent.
Wine.
Or.
Fruits and vegetables.
The fruits and vegetables did not always win. Sometimes a broke woman needs the red wine more. So you’ll have to cut me some slack if I’m unapologetic about my choices.
Anyway, if I have learned anything in my time on this floating rock, it’s that I won’t ever be ready for what life throws at me. I will never be adequately prepared. I won’t have the right words when it counts for something. I won’t know the right answer when fate itself is staring me down. I have tried being practical, realistic and only aspiring to live a normal life but that lead to more suffering and way more compromise than I am comfortable with.
I have also tried being delusional. I romanticized the present moment to make life a lot more interesting as work towards manifesting the grand visions for my life. As they say said, “Shoot for the stars, so if you fall you land on a cloud.”
Between the two options, I have made my choice.
I bravely accept the fact that I can’t keep my heart safe any more than I can stop love from taking everything from me. I have learned to stop saying yes when I don’t mean it—to live as authentically as I know how. To allow the tips of my fingers to skirt the darkness, as long as I remember to keep my eyes fixed on the light. And as one door opens and another closes, I will move forward with the knowledge that unlike so many others, I have another year ahead of me—another shot at making it all the way around the sun, and a chance to get it right this time around.
For the things I have accomplished so far, I wish to thank fate, destiny, synchronicity, or even blind luck and coincidence for my unusual path in life and work. I have had the opportunity and honor to share such deep and rich experiences with so many of my friends, clients, strangers, and colleagues over these many short years.
Thank you.
See on in the next post.
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