I'm Not Nice

I have been trying for weeks to write about being a nice person, but it hasn’t been easy, for a simple reason: I have always considered myself a nice person, but looking back now, it's giving... 'doormat'.

Hyper-focusing on being perceived and validated as a good person by my parents, siblings, teachers, co-workers, friends and even acquaintances has taken up so much of my life that it's deeply embarrassing to talk about with strangers on the internet. But I have had one or two glasses of champagne and it's created a feeling of euphoria, while also clouding my judgment.

So let's talk about it.

But first, before you come for me.... No! I haven't fed enough homeless people, or donated half of my income to charity. But here are some of the things I did to create a false impression of being nice.

1. I avoided conflict and confrontations at the cost of my self-respect, sense of safety and mental well-being.

2. I had no problem making self-deprecating jokes to make others feel comfortable.

3. Even when I recognized putdowns in a conversation, I let it go to maintain peace and 'good vibes'.

4. I welcomed criticism and trusted it more than I did compliments. I had the impression that it was more helpful than positive affirmations.

5. When I gave a serious message, I often use a smile to soften it. And it worked a little too well until I wasn't taken seriously.

6. I accepted blame or responsibility for even mistakes made by other people.

7. I rarely advocated well for myself.

8. I allowed others to waste my time because I was being polite or I didn't want to hurt their feelings.

9. I always apologized deeply even for low-impact mistakes.

10. I consciously spent time each week engaging in casual conversations with colleagues, family and friends, even though I hate small talk.

11. When I had an opinion, I would pose it as a question instead of saying it directly.

12. I would share my deep dark secrets just because I'm uncomfortable with awkwardness or silence in a conversation. How embarrassing!

13. It bothered me if someone doesn’t like me despite my best efforts to build a relationship. So I kept working them patiently to prove my goodness.

14. If someone failed to notice something I’ve done exceptionally well, I wouldn't call attention to it myself either.

15. When given an unreasonable deadline, I didn't negotiate for something more realistic. I would take it as a challenge to prove myself.

16. I didn't believe that I’m as smart as the next person.

17. I couldn't tell you the value I bring value to other people's lives because I was so focused on proving myself.

18. I was hesitant when asking for help, even from people to whom I have given special assistance or attention.

19. I volunteered for experiences that will prove my strength, resilience and capabilities to my family, friends, colleagues and myself. This often meant shying away from accepting or feeling deserving of help and support.

20. I was never the first to speak at meetings.

21. Always justifying my 'no'.

22. If someone repeated an idea I previously expressed, I wouldn't call attention to where it originated.

23. I didn’t apply lipstick or chopstick in public.

24. If I didn’t quite trust what someone is saying, I still wouldn't ask questions to help assess if it’s true.

25. I had a problem asking for financial support. Even if I think I deserve it.

26. I felt guilty when my own priorities made it impossible for me to do someone a favor.

27. When I was acknowledged for a job well done, I would minimize my accomplishment to be perceived as humble.

28. I shy away from looking people directly in the eye on first meeting them because I didn't want to be perceived as aggressive.

29. I shared too much personal information to make people feel safe and comfortable with me.

30. If someone treated me inappropriately, I didn't confront them because I hated to be responsible for disrupting the peace.

31. I also hated to make others uncomfortable or unhappy. I would rather ignore my pain or discomfort.

32. I didn’t cancel previously scheduled personal plans even if I no longer felt up for it.

33. I didn’t take disrespect personally even if sometimes, it is personal.

34. At least every other month, I would ask others for feedback. Even though those people were not more knowledgeable than me. Often times, they were even younger and more clueless than me, but I still respected their opinions above me own.

35. I loved being experimental with my hair and style but I found myself selecting a hairstyle and dressing code that is considered appropriate for my age, position and marital status.

"Was it worth it?"

I think not. Not if your goal is to be truly loved, appreciated and respected. I feel bad about most of this patterns of behavior.

Truly I do.

Because despite that much self-abandonment and people pleasing, only a handful of people truly valued me.

So I made the bold decision to be nice to me first. This doesn't mean that I now spit in the faces of elderly people or punch babies in the mouth. It means that I am turning the love, attention, respect, empathy and patience I have always given out freely to others, inwards.

What's there to loose? Nothing! I already didn't have the love, attention, respect, empathy or approval I always craved.

Cruelty, indifference, and loneliness may be scary consequences to experience but believe it or not, love, empathy and respect aren’t things you’re meant to chase after for the rest of your life. They aren’t things you’re meant to beg for from those around you. They are meant to come your way effortlessly from simply being yourself, from honoring who you are and from living your life with integrity.

All the happiness, love, empathy and respect you need and desire will never be found in trying to impress the people around you. It can only be found by looking within and by recognizing that who you are is enough, whole and complete, and that you don’t need anyone or anything to make you feel this way.

You already are enough. And you can do it. It’s your choice. All it takes is acting more like the respectable woman you are capable of becoming than like the girl you were taught to be.

All it takes is acting more like the respectable woman you are capable of becoming than like the girl you were taught to be.

Don't stay in the place of girlhood long after it’s productive for you because it’s easier to behave only in socially acceptable ways. We have been taught that acting like a girl— even when we are grown up—isn’t such a bad thing, but how true is that?

"Nice girls get taken care of in ways grown assertive women don’t, right?"

"Girls aren’t expected to fend for or stand up for themselves—others do that for them, right?"

"Sugar and spice and everything nice— that’s what nice girls are made of, right?"

"Who doesn’t want to be everything nice,right?"

"Being a nice girl is certainly better than being a grown woman because you won't get accused of trying to act like a man or being “bitchy,right?”

Wrong!

What do you think? Let me know in the comments section.

See you in the next post.