Like millions of people across the world, the Covid-19 pandemic turned my life upside down. On some days, I am still the strong independent woman that made her own money, paid her own bills, and provided her cat with a luxurious lifestyle. Other times however, I am a nervous wreck with no clear plan for the future.
I remember sitting on the front porch with my brother making plans for when we were adults. By the time we turned thirty, we were going to get a fancy apartments in the same neighborhood where our kids would play together. I was going to own my own clothing line and make a million Kenya Shillings (Because a a million Kenya Shillings was the largest amount of money I could think of as a kid). We thought everything was going to be simple and couldn’t wait to leave our childhood ways behind us.
But at the age of twenty nine, I am more child than adult is so many ways. I spend most of my free time exploring my curiosity and indulging imagination. I laugh way hard and too much, and am even as ticklish as I was when I was 17years. My mother can still easily bribe me with my favorite foods, a habit my husband has also picked up. I spend most of my free time exploring my curiosity and indulging imagination. And I make mistakes often. I laugh way hard and cry often. I may not be as naive, but I have a long way to go in regards to wisdom. II may not be as naive, but I have a long way to go in regards to wisdom.
I still make mistakes often. In fact, here are some of them;
I have opinions about right and wrong, yet I will not always stand firm when faced with a persuasive person.
I can be motivated by guilt.
Oversharing.
Over-explaining myself.
It really bothers me if I have upset someone.
I feel that I try harder to make relationships work than others do.
People would be surprised to know about the resentment that is bottled up inside me.
When another person is angry, I go into the appeaser mode.
If my decisions are called into question, I feel I’d better have a good justification.
When I do something for my own pleasure, I may feel selfish.
Too often, I’ll do someone else’s chores because they won’t do them.
Sometimes I just try too hard to be nice.
I have to tread lightly due to key people who are moody.
It seems as though my world is full of requirements and duties.
With certain people, I find myself measuring my words very carefully.
Even when I am nice to others, it seems they still want more.
There are times when I just give up on being taken seriously or feeling understood.
I can let people determine too much of my schedule or priorities.
Too often, I explain my reasoning over and over, even when it’s obvious that the other person won’t hear what I have to say.
I have stayed in bad relationships long after I knew they were not good for me.
Being firm can be hard for me at times.
It seems, to me, that others will accept me only if I conform to their ways.
Despite all my shortcoming I have a deep love for myself, my journey and my life. I could give myself a huge kiss on the lips of I could. Instead I will give you one.
In the past, I found myself trapped in a never-ending cycle of self-doubt and anxiety, always trying to live up to impossible standards that I believed defined the perfect daughter, sister, friend, and wife. The pressure to be flawless in every role I played consumed me, leaving me feeling overwhelmed and exhausted. It was a constant battle to maintain a facade of perfection, and it took a toll on my mental and emotional well-being.
However, as time passed, I gradually came to a profound realization - the pursuit of perfection is a fruitless endeavor. I understood that perfection is an illusion, a mirage that can never be reached no matter how hard one tries. It was a liberating moment when I decided to let go of these unrealistic expectations and embrace my imperfections, flaws, and vulnerabilities.
Now, instead of striving for an unattainable ideal, I have shifted my focus towards personal growth and self-acceptance. I have chosen to be kinder to myself, to celebrate my strengths, and to learn from my mistakes. By accepting myself for who I am, with all my complexities and contradictions, I have found a sense of peace and authenticity that I had never experienced before.
So, here's to embracing the beautiful chaos of being human, to accepting ourselves in all our messy, imperfect glory. Let us raise a toast to the journey of self-discovery, self-love, and self-compassion.
Cheers to embracing the glorious mess that we are!
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