Many individuals I know conceal their true selves in order to maintain a positive image. In reality, we all engage in this behavior to some extent. If you believe that I confide in others about the fear, anxiety, and uncertainty I face while pursuing my aspiration of becoming a prosperous entrepreneur, you would be mistaken. Only my spouse and a select few close acquaintances are aware, although not entirely. I have not disclosed this to anyone else. Well, until now. However, I have faith in you to safeguard my confidences.
I have never encountered a leader who openly shared their uncertainties or anxieties as they were experiencing them. When entrepreneurs or motivational speakers discuss their uncertainty regarding their company's future, financial issues, or even marital problems, it is usually in hindsight, after they have resolved their situation and have a clear direction. Therefore, like most other entrepreneurs, I strove to portray myself as a confident, need-no-sleep superhuman to hide the increasingly paralyzing fear that I felt. I did not want anyone to think I wasn’t up to the job or to be made the topic of gossip in my social circles. Yet, I cannot help but pour out my deepest thoughts on this corner of the internet that I consider my own. More than anything, I desire to establish meaningful connections with individuals who share my sentiments or have experienced similar circumstances.
Some individuals may perceive this vulnerability as a weakness, but I believe that secrets render one weak and uninteresting. Instead of upholding a facade of perfection, I aspire to create a safe environment for those around me. Rather than surrounding myself with friends who are skilled at masking their true selves, I desire companions who embrace vulnerability and are receptive to forming genuine connections. I yearn to shed tears as we share our experiences and embark on a journey of healing and self-discovery. I want to savor wine during picnics as we unload the emotional wreckage of our lives. Equally, I want us to share laughter until tears of joy streak our faces. I want to giggle uncontrollably at both the absurdity and dreams we share, within the secure and compassionate space we cultivate for one another.
Is it too much to ask for? I do not believe so.
Vulnerability, trust, and loyalty are not mere preferences, but rather the elements that make me feel secure within these interactions and allow me to reciprocate comfortably, as they align with my values and identity. Even if it were an extraordinary request, I would remain steadfast in my stance because I am committed to carefully selecting who I allow into my life. I aim to design a well-lived life according to my own standards. And curating the people, places, things, and experiences in my life is the means to achieve this.
Let's discuss it.
We are all designers, we have to be. We invite only certain people into our lives and manipulate the environment to better serve our needs, wants and desires. We select what items to own, which people to have around us and which places to frequent. We build, buy, arrange, collect, and restructure; all this is a form if design. When consciously cutting people off of our social circles, deliberately rearranging things in our homes and personalizing your TikTok for you page, we are designing. Through these personal acts of design, we transform the otherwise common things, people and places of everyday life into our own things, places and people. Through our designs, we transform houses into homes, spaces into places, things into belongings and strangers into friends and family that value our contributions. While we may not have any control over the design of the many objects we purchase or the actions and intentions of the people we choose, we do have control over the roles they play and the level of influence they have in our lives. For example, when something gives us pleasure, joy, peace or laughter, then it becomes a part of our lives, and when the way we interact with it helps define our place in society and in the world, then we have love.
In today's post, I would like to share some red flags to help you spot someone who isn't for you. The wise woman will memorize, pay attention to, and utilize these signs as opportunities to reexamine the relationship—or to exit, if necessary.
🚩 You sense that they are in secret competition with you.
🚩 They push you to disclose deeply personal information like your salary, the budget for your wedding, your past e.t.C They ask very personal question without ever divulging true and deeply personal information about their lives as well.
🚩 You feel uncomfortable about something they have said or done, and the feelings remain.
🚩 When you are with them, you often feel mad or scared, or they reminds you of someone else you know with a serious problem.
🚩 You dread their phone calls
🚩 You often feel bored when with them.
🚩 You think you are the only one who can help/love/understand them.
🚩 You feel bad about yourself when you are around them.
🚩 You think or wish you could help them “change” or “fix” their life. You have the urge to “love them into emotional wellness,” if that were possible.
🚩 You feel they want too much from you.
🚩 They are close with your enemies or people that have wronged you deeply.
🚩 They never stand up for you.
🚩 Your other friends or family don't want to be around them.
🚩 You make excuses for them and don’t allow others to be around them because of what they think of them.
🚩 You make excuses for their character and minimize their hurtful or disloyal behavior.
🚩 You feel like they “sucks the life out of you”.
🚩 Your value system and theirs very different that it is problematic.
🚩 Your past and theirs are very different, and the two of you have conflicts over it.
🚩 You notice that they need you too frequently, too much, or too intensely.
🚩 You suspect that they have shared your secret/deeply personal information.
🚩 You have information about how they have handled conflict poorly.
🚩 You have information about how they have treated others poorly.
🚩 You aren't uncomfortable because they have touched you inappropriately or addressed you inappropriately.
🚩 You sense that they are pushing too quickly for an emotional connection with you?
🚩 Although you don’t believe it, they claim to feel an immediate connection with you (a sign of false intimacy).
🚩 You see them as a chameleon; you notice they can change to please whoever is in their presence.
🚩 You find yourself willing to abandon your boundaries when you are with them.
🚩 They mostly talks about themself, they plans, their interest, their opinions, their future.
🚩 You would rather be entertained in the toxic friendship than be bored alone?
🚩 You make excuses for why you are still friends with them.
🚩 You find yourself accepting them “for now,” even though you have plenty of red flags that would help you terminate the relationship if you paid attention to them.
How many check marks do you have? And, lastly, is this relationship going in a direction that will fulfill your needs? Let met know in the comment section.
Good luck!
(If you love the article, you may also love The Art of Being Alone, Finding Your Tribe and Is The Relationship with Your Family, Friends or Partner Toxic?)
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