Yesterday afternoon, I was reading a book in a coffee shop when a waiter passed by and spilled coffee on my dress. I had just bought it and it’s my nicest piece of clothing. I couldn’t help it, I just blew my top. I yelled at him at the top of my lungs. I’m not normally the type of person who speaks loudly in public places. But yesterday, the shop was ringing with the sound of my shouting because I flew into a rage and forgot what I was doing.
I'm lying!
The truth is, I graciously accepted the waiter's apology and smiled through the embarrassment and the intense burning sensation on my arm. I may have suppressed my anger at the people that continued to stare long after the incident, but that's about as far as it went. It took me less than an hour to recover from the incident and carry on with my day, filled with joy and positivity, just as I had intended. Like I mentioned before, I have never been easily provoked or inclined to engage in a public confrontation. In fact, I was more preoccupied with the waiter's feelings of guilt than with the strange glances I received throughout the day, as complete strangers took notice of the unsightly coffee stain on my dress. Eventually, I got home and I was surrounded by love, and that cheered me up.
I begun recounting my day with my family, that's when I realized how well I handled the situation. I realized that I always remain very cool, calm, collected, and confident in the face of these seemingly negative situations. I have always possessed the ability to regulate my emotions from a young age, but I must admit, it hasn't always been a beneficial attribute. On the contrary, there have been instances where my emotional control has worked against me.
For example, one consequence of this behavior is that it caused me to be perceived as weak, naive, and incapable of standing up for myself, which in turn led to feelings of envy towards those who openly displayed aggression and confrontation. I often found myself admiring individuals who matched disrespect with even more disrespect without hesitation. I envied their ability to speak up and refuse to pay at a salon when they didn't get what they asked for, or their willingness to engage in a physical altercation at the slightest provocation. It seemed to me that these individuals were perceived as strong and not to be messed with.
Me, on the other hand, I have never been one to resort to public confrontation or passive aggression either. Instead, when faced with a disappointing food order, for instance, I would still accept it, try to eat it, and only later, as soon as I walk out of the restaurant, would I mentally add it to the list of establishments I would never visit again. This same approach extends to my interactions with people. I tend to be trusting and forgiving, giving individuals the benefit of the doubt, until I eventually reach my pain threshold and add them to the list of people I no longer wish to engage with.
This pattern of behavior was mostly fueled by a fear of confrontation, a lack of financial independence, and a desperate need for community. Over the years, as I embarked on my healing and self-discovery journey, I realized that my motivations for behaving in this manner have shifted. Now, I still move in the same way, but it is driven by a different set of values and the lived experiences that have shaped me.
I have observed individuals who struggle with regulating their emotions experience significant consequences as a result. It has cost them their jobs, marriages, friendships, future opportunities, and even their relationships with their children and other family members. Consider this, "how many people are in prison because they couldn't control their emotions?"
Regardless of the reasons behind my learned emotional regulation, I have grown to appreciate how calm and composed I remain in the face of anger, frustration, pain, embarrassment, humiliation or disrespect. I am still learning to be more confrontational when necessary, but I believe it is important to share how you too can cultivate a sense of calmness in challenging situations.
Here goes;
1. Take deep breaths.
Frustration and anger cause physical reactions within the body—an increased rate of breathing, an elevated heart rate, and sweating to
name a few. Taking slow, deep breaths can relax your muscles and decrease the physiological response, which in turn can decrease your emotional reactivity.
2. Excuse yourself from the situation.
The more emotional you feel, the less rational you’ll think. Learn to recognize your personal warning signs of anger —such as shaking or feeling flushed—and remove yourself from the situation before you lose your cool. This may mean saying, “I am not willing to talk about that right now,” or it may mean walking away.
3. Distract yourself.
Don’t try solving a problem or addressing an issue with someone when you’re feeling overly emotional. Instead, distract yourself with an activity, like walking or reading, to help you calm down. Getting your mind off what’s bothering you, even for a few minutes, can help you calm down so you can think more rationally.
4. Self-preservation.
Learn to protect and preserve your emotional nakedness the same way you protect and preserve your physical nakedness. It is important to note that not everyone deserves to see you angry, sad, hurt, triggered, embarrassed, happy, e.t.c. Unless you feel safe, reserve that version of yourself for those that have Grace for you.
5. Be Accountable for Your Actions
As you can see, there are advantages and disadvantages to responding in resigned, direct or indirectly confrontational ways. Too often, though, rather than take responsibility for your response in these chaotic situations, when you can't control other people's actions, you may justify what you said or did and defend yourself by blaming the other person, saying that their behavior made you respond like you did: ‘She made me say that’ or ‘He made me do that.’
When you have a difficult encounter with someone else and you feel hurt, embarrassed or angry, it's easy to feel that the other person is making you feel the way you do and react the way you did. But blaming the other person for your responses undermines your ability to do anything about your situation. Why? Because if you really do feel it's their fault and that they provoked you, you are unlikely to look for a helpful solution. If it's the other person's fault...There's nothing you can do about it. In fact, if you can blame them for their behavior then you don't have to change anything about yourself or the way you respond; it's the other person who needs to make the changes.
This can be seen as mistaken thinking. A math and spelling analogy is useful here. Imagine you misspell a word or miscalculate a math problem and get the wrong answer. Your mistaken thinking makes you believe you're correct, that you've come to the right conclusion or answer. In the same way, your mistaken beliefs about how much power and control other people have over your responses and how little power you have gives you the wrong answers to difficult situations even though you think your thinking is logical and correct.
6. Journal everyday.
Writing can itself be an act of emotional processing so it can help in many situations of danger, extremity and loss of control.
If your relationship conflicts involve people who are active and present in your life, the journal can provide a safe forum in which to vent strong feelings that may not be appropriate for direct expression. In other words, in your journal you can cuss out your boss, scream at your mother, and yell at your spouse to your heart’s content. This discharges the emotion and leaves you sane and sensible for an actual conversation, in which you’ll likely find yourself able not only to state your wants and needs in an assertive manner but also to listen to the other’s point of view, as well.
7. Have people in your circle that hear you and validate your pain or emotions.
We all need safe, trusting, reliable, nourishing relationships. These nurturing relationship might be with a therapist, a wellness coach, a teacher, a lover, a friend, or our children – someone who not only listens but reads between the lines and perhaps even gently challenges us. We are formed in relationship, and we develop and change as a result of subsequent relationships.
8. Know your story (Personal Narrative).
Your story is the essence of who you are. It will consist of all the experiences that define you. We may have beliefs that start with ‘I’m the sort of person who …’ or ‘That’s not me; I don’t do that …’ If we focus on such stories and see them from fresh angles, we can find new, more flexible ways of defining ourselves, others and everything around us.
If you struggle with coming up with ideas for your story, then here’s a list of suggested topics:
Parents
Relationships with siblings
High school experiences
Childhood trauma
College experiences
First job
First love
How you and your best friend met
Favorite books
Your bucket list
Your greatest fears
Your perfect day
9. Effectively analyze others.
It is important to be able to note the differences in how you act and communicate with the different people in your life to recognize how your actions and mannerisms affect those people. Some notable people in your life may be any of those of the following:
Your significant other
If applicable, your children
Your boss
A teacher that you maybe struggled with the most
Your parents
A person that you may not click with
Your closest friends
Your server at a restaurant you frequent
You should notice and contemplate how the varying behavior of all of these different people affects how you make yourself appear to them through your own actions. A good way to practice this is to think about how others may consider you in their lives and how that causes them to behave around you, perhaps in a different way than around other people.
10. Self-Observation
When we practice self-observation, we learn to stand outside ourselves, in order to experience, acknowledge and assess feelings, sensations and thoughts as they occur and as they determine our moods and behaviour. The development of this capacity allows us to be accepting and non-judgemental. It gives us space to decide how to act and is the part of us that listens to and brings together our emotions and logic.
Self-observation is not self-obsession, however. On the contrary, it is a tool that enables us to become less self-absorbed, because it teaches us not to be taken over by obsessive thoughts and feelings. With self-observation we develop more internal clarity and can become more open to the emotional lives of those around us.
We need to be able to use our feelings but not be used by them. If we are our emotions, rather than an observer of them, we will veer into a chaotic state. If, on the other hand, we repress our feelings altogether, we can swing the other way, into rigidity.
There is a difference between saying ‘I am angry’ and saying ‘I feel angry’. The first statement is a description that appears closed. The second is an acknowledgement of a feeling, and does not define the whole self. In the same way that it is useful to be able to separate ourselves from our feelings, it is also necessary to be able to observe our thoughts. Then we can notice the different kinds of thoughts we have, and can examine them, rather than be them. This allows us to notice which thoughts work well for us, and whether any of our internal mind chatter is self-defeating.
To begin self-observing, ask yourself these questions:
What am I feeling now?
What am I thinking now?
What am I doing at this moment?
How am I breathing?
These simple questions are important because when we have answered them, we are in a better position to proceed to the next question:
What do I want for myself in this new moment?
This self-analysis will allow you to be more aware of your own emotions and less confused about the way you feel. This may make some of your actions more explainable to you. Getting to know yourself will allow you to truly live genuinely and happily with others.
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