From birth, we are taught to look outside ourselves for answers, validation, and connection. We are conditioned to think of others first — husbands, boyfriends, siblings, children, parents, work, and friends. We subconsciously learn to believe in fairy tales and spend our lives trying to re-create them. Primed to build the dream life of college, good job, marriage, kids, and retirement, we attempt to adhere to this formulaic, linear path. If one piece doesn’t happen when it’s “supposed to,” if our biological clock is ticking and no man is by our side, or if we lose any one of the parts, we feel like failures. With the pressures of time and society on our backs, many of us stop at nothing to attain the missing piece, often settling for less than what we really desire.
If we want a life better than the cookie-cutter version that has left women unhappy for decades, we must be willing to strip away the illusions we have built and take responsibility for the circumstances we create.
This post is an invitation to do so.
A while ago, my self-worth was measured by the different roles I played in people's lives. The first one being my role as a firstborn daughter and big sister. I also aspired to be the Proverbs 31 woman for my husband, the 'ride or die' friend and the committed employee that always comes in first and leaves last. Unfortunately for me, no matter had I tried, a lot of those roles didn't make me feel seen, heard or valued. I was always reminded that I am too much of one thing and not enough of another. I also learnt that no amount of goodness or people pleasing could ensure I perceived positively or guaranteed love, respect or loyalty.
Ouch!!
You see, when you measure your self-worth with anything that is external to yourself, you’re taking a big risk because everything outside of you, is out of your control. So if there comes a time when you no longer get to play that role, your self-worth and confidence takes a dive. Often you see this when people lose their job, or retire, or divorce, or their kids move out of home; because they are no longer playing a particular role, they feel lost and worthless. They don't know who they are anymore.
It’s vital that you use the right measurement tool when it comes to your self-worth, but let's talk about the moments that we don't and the ways in which society has conditioned us to measure our self worth as women.
Every woman has that big bad checklist. What's on your list?
Check all the boxes that apply to you:
I have sought to find my identity and worth through . . .
[ ] Your desirability.
[ ] Your appearance.
[ ] Your productivity.
[ ] Your net worth.
[ ] Who you Know.
[ ] What you Do.
[ ] What you Achieve.
[ ] Your approval from others.
[ ] Your parent's approval.
[ ] How you look.
[ ] The things you’re good at.
[ ] Your family’s love and support.
[ ] How you measure up to other people.
[ ] Your character.
[ ] Your view of faith or God’s love.
[ ] Being perfectly skinny.
[ ] Having a perfectly symmetrical face.
[ ] Maintaining a successful career.
[ ] Keeping a boyfriend.
[ ] Getting married.
[ ] Being independent.
[ ] Owning nice & expensive things.
[ ] Wearing the latest trends.
[ ] Traveling to nice places.
[ ] Being athletic.
[ ] Accomplishing academic goals.
[ ] Crossing off items on your to-do list.
[ ] Having many friends.
[ ] The type of job you have.
[ ] Your Social Media Following.
[ ] Your Age.
[ ] How you compare to other people.
[ ] How you spend your money.
[ ] Eating habits.
[ ] Drinking habits.
[ ] How many people you have slept with.
[ ] How many people you have not slept with.
[ ] Marital status.
[ ] Your romantic partners.
[ ] Social status.
[ ] Your social group.
[ ] Your relationship with your father.
[ ] Your relationship with your mother.
[ ] The money in your bank account.
[ ] Whether you have children or not.
[ ] Your mental health.
How did you score? What did you learn about yourself? Let me know in the comments section, I am so curious.
Finally, your self-worth has to be measured internally. It's about how you see yourself, who you are and what you stand for.
If your self-worth is built on who you are, you’ll keep your confidence through life’s ups and downs. In fact, you’ll accomplish more and take more risks.
See you in the next post.
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