A phase of the healing journey that no one talks about is when you gain self-awareness and are suddenly overwhelmed with knowledge of your self-sabotaging ways and the toxicity of those around you. Everything in your life starts adding up, and once you see it, you can’t un-see it. Trust me, I’ve tried.
For example, no matter how hard I tried to convince myself that I hadn't outgrown my friendships, their patterns of disloyalty and betrayal stared me in the face. It became hard to pretend that it was just a coincidence, when the same truth kept repeating. The passive aggressive comments, the inside jokes at my expense, the criticism, shaming, lies, and my efforts to fit in or keep up with a lifestyle that no longer suits me.
This phase of your healing journey is equal parts, firm accountability and empathy. While you now have a deep understanding of your value and all the ways you let people have the best of you at a discount, it is important to be kind and forgiving to yourself and others. You are not your past and most importantly you now know to charge the highest price, love, respect and the right to walk away if you don't feel safe. That's the beauty of healing, it comes with promises of new beginnings.
Sometimes however, the healing may become overwhelming. When things got hard for me, I tried to un-see and undo everything that had just unfolded. I tried to escape the loneliness that comes with holding myself and others to higher standards, by going back to the old and familiar. Some people text their exes, I called up a toxic friend I had cut off.
We met and sipped cocktails in a what used to be our favorite spot and reminisced about the past. It was awkward though. We were holding on to old positive memories to justify that we are still close because even though we talked about how much we missed each other, we knew we wouldn't meet anytime soon after that.
At that moment I realized I had outgrown some of the best friendships that I had ever had. I couldn’t truly go back to my old life even though my present life felt out of balance. So I decided to take a bold step. I got myself a really good therapist and began a year of serious self-discovery.
It was a long year. Dr.Onyango, my therapist, and I still laugh about my first visit. It didn't take much to have me lying on the couch, spilling my guts. I was burned out from work, struggling with feelings of inadequacy, and right on the cusp of my quarter-life unraveling. I lovingly refer to it on my blog as the year of my spiritual awakening. The Universe's way of giving me a wake-up call, even though I was quick to hit snooze by desperately holding on to my old ways and old friend.
As it turned out, the work I had to do was messy and deep. I slogged through it until one day, I realized, “Oh, my God! I feel different. I feel joyful and real."
I was still afraid, but I also felt really brave. Something had changed—I could feel it in my bones. I was healthier, more joyful, and more grateful than I had ever felt before. I felt calmer and grounded, and significantly less anxious. I even rekindled my creative life, reconnected with a few of my friends and family in a new way, and most importantly, I felt truly comfortable in my own skin for the first time in my life. I started saying 'no' rather than 'sure' (and being resentful and pissed off later).
I learnt how to worry more about how I felt, and less about “what people might think.” I was setting new boundaries and beginning to let go of my need to please, perform, and perfect.
As I continued to work on my wellness journey with Dr. Onyango, I also read close to forty books, including every self-help book I could get my hands on. They were incredibly helpful guides. One day, as I stared at the tall pile of books precariously stacked on my nightstand, it hit me! I want to tell this story in a blog. And voila! Here we are.
Have you begun your healing/wellness journey? If not, isn't it time to begin?
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