Have you ever believed that you aren’t good enough? That you’re not thin enough? That you’re unlovable? That you’re a bad daughter? Have you ever believed that you deserve to be treated badly? That you’ll never amount to anything? All lies. The lies that plagued me for the longest time. All lies perpetuated by society, the media, our family, or frankly —and this is my religious self showing—by the Devil himself. These lies were dangerous and devastating to my sense of worth and my ability to function. And the most sinister thing about these lies, is that I came to see them as the truth about myself. They had been playing so loudly in my ears for so long that they became white noise. These hateful narratives bombard me every day, yet I didn’t even realize they are there.
But recognizing the lies I had come to accept about myself was the key to growing into a better version of myself. That’s why I do what I do. That’s why I run this website and create content about healing and self-discovery, addressing childhood trauma, seeking professional help and prioritizing mental health. It’s why I was obsessed with reading and researching different ways to heal for years before I begun to teach my subscribers how to do it. It’s why I know of all the benefits of journaling and telling your story. Sure, I cover a whole host of topics on my online platforms, but ultimately they boil down to one thing: wellness is my life's calling, and I want to do it well.
And the posts on this website demonstrate how I am growing and learning, and I want them to help others to grow too.
I suppose if I’d been into make-up or fashion as much I love to discuss about healing, I would have used those things to try and better myself and boost up my friends too, but I’m not into those things as much.
I’m into wellness stuff, so I focus on creating content that falls under the banner of healing and self-discovery and for today,I would like to dive into some of the most helpful changes I have made while on the journey of finding myself.
1. I stopped comparing myself.
I stopped comparing myself to other people, and I also stopped comparing myself to whomever I thought I was supposed to be. Comparison is the death of joy, and the only person you need to be better than is the one you were yesterday.
2. I surrounded myself with positivity.
It sounds like a cliché but you become who you surround yourself with. You become what you consume. If you find yourself in a slump or feel as though you’re living in a negative space, take a good hard look at who and what you see every day.
3. I figured out what makes me happy and I do those things.
This seems like the most obvious idea in the world, but at the end of the day, very few people intentionally choose the things that bring them joy. I don’t mean that you should build a life around massages and lavish dinners (or maybe you can, fancy pants!). I mean that you should spend more time doing things that feed your spirit: more long walks with your dog, less volunteering for that thing you feel obligated to do but actually hate.
4. Being careful with my commitments.
We easily jump on board with anything that sounds good for us. A diet? Of course. Volunteering with church this Saturday? Absolutely. We know these things are important and good, so we say yes, assuming the value of the commitment will motivate us into following through. Unfortunately, that isn’t always the case. Slow down your yes. Only commit to things you know you can accomplish because they’re incredibly important to you. Otherwise you set yourself up for continued failure.
5. Being honest with myself.
I had to be honest with myself about what what I was blowing off. A little cancellation here or a bow-out there can add up. I went to therapy and this was one of the things I discussed. I had to take a good hard look at what I had canceled on in the last thirty days, and I was shocked to discover that although I was a people pleaser, I was also emotionally unavailable in my friendships. Huge, life changing revelation.
6. Go to therapy.
Were it not for my therapist, I never would have understood the connection between my childhood insecurities and my adult patterns if behavior. Were it not for my therapist, I never would have realized that my drive for accomplishment and need for parental approval was actually harmful.
I cannot recommend therapy enough, and if I had Beyoncé’s money, the first thing I’d do is pay for therapy for every person I can find. Ask your friends to recommend someone they like, or ask me to refer you.
7. I hustled for joy.
Work just as hard for fun moments, vacation moments, and pee-your-pants-laughing moments as you do for all the other things. I encourage you to take a walk, go for a picnic, enjoy a bubble bath, or take a long lunch. All of that work will be there when you get back, and a little time away can recharge your batteries and give you the energy to battle that ever-growing to-do list.
8. Policing myself.
If we’re already judgmental (and let’s be honest, most of us are), we have to work hard on policing ourselves. When I find myself judging someone in my head, I force myself to stop and think of compliments about that person. By doing this, I’m learning to look for the positive instead of reaching for the negatives.
9. Have a sounding board.
When I walked through my season of hardship, I didn’t really have any close friends or mentors who could advise me. I think if I had been able to speak with someone wiser, I might have become aware sooner of how unhealthy most of my relationships with friends and family were.
Be careful any time the only voice of reason is your own. Your judgment is easily clouded when you are in love or in like.
10. Audacity.
It’s pretty audacious to ignore what other people, even those you love and admire, are telling you, right? I think we could all use a little more audacity. I don’t mean that you need to become militant or disrespectful; I just mean you should keep your eyes on your goal, regardless of what gets in your way.
11. I embraced my body.
Having a low opinion of your body is so damaging to your ability to enjoy life. I used to worry about whether or not my tummy was tight or if my butt looked okay in those jeans. I practiced positive self-talk about how great my butt looked or how sexy I was. I did it so much that at some point, I started to believe it.
12. Staying away from Instagram.
Why? Because you feel like you’re missing out, or that your life, relationship, or body should look like what you’re seeing on the internet. Pay attention to what is giving you anxiety or making you question yourself. If it’s social media, then do your heart a favor and take a break from it. I promise it will still be there when you’re getting more sleep and feeling less emotional.
13. Getting out of the house. Every. Single. Day.
The best thing you can do for yourself, and your sanity, is to leave the scene of the crime. Leave the place with the dishes in the sink and the overflowing laundry basket. Put in some headphones and listen to Beyoncé or Adele or a podcast on entrepreneurship. Do whatever you have to do to remind yourself that there is a life beyond your nest and that you are still part of it.
14. Talking to someone about my feelings.
An effective way for us to overcome lies is to speak them aloud to someone else. Whether you choose your spouse, your friend, your therapist, or a trusted family member, sharing with them that you’re struggling can give you the support you need.
15. Writing it down & Saying it aloud.
Naming your goals is also important, because often we struggle to even admit them to ourselves. Make sure when you name yours, you do it in a powerful way.
Say, “I am getting my master’s in psychology” instead of “I will try to go back to school.”
I often write and speak about my dream to be a best-selling author to anyone who lends me an ear. Or even when no one can hear me. I announce them like proclamations . . . as if it’s only a matter of time before they happen.
Your healing journey doesn’t have to look like mine. Actually, your healing journey doesn’t have to look like anyone else’s at all, but it should at least be a creation of your own making.
Is it going to be hard? Absolutely!
But taking the easy way out is how you end up stuck in the same place you don't want to be, while life passes you by.
Will change happen overnight? No way!
This is a lifelong process. You’ll try out some different tools and techniques, and while some of them will feel okay, maybe one will feel like the answer and then seven different others will feel like garbage. Then you’ll wake up tomorrow and do it again. And again. And again.
And you’ll fail. You’ll fall off the wagon. You’ll eat an entire birthday cake when no one is watching or scream at your husband or drink too much wine all month long. You’ll fall into old patterns because this is life and that’s just how it goes. But once you understand that you are the one who is truly in control, you’ll get up and try again. And you’ll keep going until being in control feels more natural than being out of control. It’ll become a way of life, and you’ll become the person you are meant to be.
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