For many years, I had the mistaken idea that it was more loving to be absolutely attached to the outcome of all circumstances—my own and other people’s—and that feeling other people’s pain and confusion almost as deeply as they did meant that I really cared. I know I was taught differently during therapy, but old patterns persisted and I started my coaching practice doing the same over-attached, grasping behavior with clients that I had done in my personal life. It took a deep burnout bred of exhaustion and frustration to show me that my attachment had landed me in the same emotional pit my clients inhabited. When I learnt to let go and detach, I found continued peace and a newfound sense of freedom.
Yes, there are things we can change and control, but there are also many more people, events, outcomes, and viewpoints over which we have no control beyond that of visualizing and praying for positive resolutions. It is a delicate balance between taking responsibility for our actions and choices while also accepting the limitations of our influence on external circumstances.
Embracing this perspective allows us to navigate life with a greater sense of calm and acceptance, understanding that not everything is within our power to change.
By releasing the need to control every outcome, we open ourselves up to a more profound connection with ourselves and others, fostering genuine empathy and compassion without being burdened by excessive attachment.
Holding on to that which we cannot control binds us in fear, anxiety and resistance.
“Cultivate the ability to flow with the changes, to see everything as a process of change, and to relax with uncertainty”
Understanding the impermanence of everything around us is a profound realization that can lead us to a more peaceful way of living. When we grasp the concept that attachment to the idea of permanence only brings suffering, we open ourselves up to the wisdom of letting go.
Letting go should not be misconstrued as apathy or indifference; rather, it is a practice of caring for things with a sense of flexibility and wisdom.
Embarking on the journey of letting go requires self-compassion and patience. While the logic behind releasing attachments may make sense intellectually, the emotional process of doing so can be incredibly challenging, particularly when it involves our deepest connections and strongest bonds such as family. It is essential to be gentle with ourselves as we navigate this path towards greater freedom and inner peace.
Learning to let go is a transformative process that involves acknowledging our fears, insecurities, and desires. By cultivating a mindset of acceptance and understanding, we can gradually release our grip on the need for control and certainty. This shift in perspective allows us to embrace life's uncertainties with grace and resilience, fostering a sense of liberation and empowerment.
My friend Nyachoka is in the throes of letting go of many familiar patterns—self-blame and excessive worry to name only two—as her married daughter struggles in a difficult and demeaning marriage. “One of the reasons it’s so hard,” Nyachoka says, “is that it’s like watching myself all over again.” After countless sleepless nights and several heartfelt talks with her daughter, Nyachoka has concluded that she needs to stop believing she can control her daughter and grandchildren’s future in any way and simply love them all no matter what happens. “For my own peace of mind, I have to stop blaming myself, put a little distance between myself and the situation, and just love them, love them, love them,” she told me recently.
In order to help with the process of letting go, Nyachoka reminds herself that she did the best she could as a mother and young wife, pulls her thoughts back to the moment when she drifts into fearful what-ifs, sees the beauty and wonder in front of her right now, and is available when her daughter and grandchildren need her. Slowly—it’s especially difficult to let go when our children are in pain — Nyachoka is beginning to sleep better and trust that her daughter will be okay no matter what the outcome.
Calmly and nonjudgmentally paying attention to what is—even if it’s painful and difficult— keeps us from falling into what I call “the future hole of fear” or being locked in a prison of the past, where regret and recrimination may linger. Although it’s becoming almost a cliché, the mindful awareness received from living in the moment and staying in the here and now continues to be a viable and valuable path to greater freedom.
Non-attachment does not mean disconnectedness or non-caring though. When able to be compassionately detached, we actually feel more engaged with and connected to ourselves and other people. Letting go of attachment, especially attachment to a specific outcome, minimizes resistance to our own struggles and, very importantly, frees us from the persistent belief that we must somehow “make it all better” for everyone else, no matter what their challenge. Very tiring! But, no matter how exhausting the idea, it’s disturbingly common for women to believe, at a deep or subconscious level, that everything is our fault and therefore fixing it—whatever “it” may be—is our responsibility.
Being able to let go of that exhausting belief and accept the fact that others are responsible for themselves and their lives gives us the energy and desire to be mindfully present for them in caring and compassionate ways.
The greatest lessons I ever learned about the pain, grace, and wisdom of impermanence came from my career as a wellness coaching in the self-improvement space. As a facilitator for healing and recovery, I’m awed by the courage and grace with which people dealt with trauma, loss and change. Being privy to some of the ways people rose from the ashes of trauma and recreated different but nonetheless rewarding lives after immense trauma and childhood conditioning gave me an abiding trust in the resilience of the human spirit. Having the honor of being their gentle guide through healing and recovery taught me invaluable and enduring lessons about the art and joy of impermanence, letting go, and nonattachment. Not without many tears, of course, but tears are an integral part of the blessed whole of life. Unburdening and Lightening you.
Feeling lighter comes naturally as a result of letting go and developing compassionate detachment for situations over which you have no responsibility or control. Lightening up also comes when you quiet your mind and establish positive and upbeat thinking habits. Although often used harshly and inappropriately, the admonishment “Lighten up!” is wise advice—advice most of us need and all of us are capable of bringing to fruition. As we turn our attention to lightening up, mindfulness is an essential advocate. It helps us become aware of and heal the inner wounds and limiting beliefs that darken our attitudes and deplete our attributes. Being compassionately present to yourself deepens your understanding of who you really are and opens your heart and mind to the wisdom, beauty, and goodness that reside at the core of your being.
Non-attachment helps us live as American Indian sage White Eagle suggests: “Be still within, be calm. Do not try to overdrive your life. Be calm, do your work quietly; live as the flowers live, opening your heart to the sunlight of God’s love”. Basking in the glow of divine love and self-love lights the fire of compassion in your heart and lightens up every aspect of your being, doing, feeling, and believing.
The practice of mindfulness illumines the path to joy and well-being. Fundamentally, the best thing we can let go of is the illusion of control in this world of constant change.
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