Friendship Breakups

"I feel like I am giving the people I love, a reason to hate me."

That's how I feel when I set boundaries with friends and family after years of people pleasing and over-extending myself.

Especially today. A close friend of mine is getting married soon and although I always thought that I would be a big part of her wedding, I will not even be attending. It breaks my heart.

We have gone from sharing secrets over sleepovers to witnessing each other's big moments over social media. And I am a big part why this is. My spiritual awakening is the reason, to be specific.

You see, I was raised to be humble, accommodating, non-confrontational and void of boundaries. That's why most of my relationships have always been long lasting and void of conflict.

My mother always said, "when someone wrongs you, pretend you didn't notice. Maintain the peace." And so I did.

I pretended I didn't see or hear the back-handed compliments, the lack of loyalty, blatant disrespect, attempts at gaslighting or the envy and resentment in some friends and family. I pretended I had the perfect family. The perfect friends and the perfect relationship. The perfect life!

I pretended so much that I believed my own lies. I couldn't tell reality from the narrative I had fought so hard to uphold. I couldn't tell apart paranoia from my instincts. I kept a brave face and a big smile despite the chaos inside of me.

However, the build up from sweeping everything under the rag led to crippling anxiety and depression, shame, guilt, low self-esteem and eventually, burnout. No matter how hard I tried to convince myself that I hadn't outgrown my friendships, their patterns of disloyalty and betrayal stared me in the face. It became hard to pretend that it was just a coincidence, when the same truth kept repeating. The passive aggressive comments, the inside jokes at my expense, the criticism, shaming, lies, and my efforts to fit in or keep up with a lifestyle that no longer suits me.

I experienced what you may call a breakdown, rock bottom or spiritual awakening. I was forced to seek therapy. And that's when I begun my healing journey.

I isolated, got sober and took up writing to share how my life was changing from altering a few dozen habits. I gained self-awareness, and was suddenly overwhelmed with knowledge of my self-sabotaging ways and the toxicity of those around me.

It was a dark time but I have since learnt about childhood trauma, attachment styles, narcissism, co-dependence, scapegoating, firstborn child syndrome and so much more on mental health, and how it led me to seeking validation through over-achieving, people pleasing and being void of boundaries. I slowly broke the vicious circle of people pleasing and self-deception which lead to liberation from the need for outside validation.

I now help other people begin their healing and self-discovery journey through my guided journals and wellness programs.

Back to the friendship breakups......

I have since ended quiet a number of long term friendships. It has been painful, but necessary.

Some friendships fizzled out because I no longer drink alcohol or go out. I have found hobbies that bring me peace and I align with who I want to become.

Other friendships ended because we simply outgrew each other and no longer had much to talk about, other than reminiscing about the past. It's the ex-coworker, former neighbor or the friend from high school or college.

We may have spent a lot of time together in the past, but now we comment under each others post and call it a day. Maybe these friendships haven't so much as ended, but changed.

Other friendship ended because I now have boundaries that didn't suit the other person.

Then there are the friends that have grown into frenemies. Comparison sipped into what was once a great friendship, and now there is envy and resentment behind every compliment or fake laugh.

During my healing journey, I became self-aware and started paying close attention to my relationships with friends and family. While some were obviously toxic, others were subtle and covert. The toxicity was in;

• the encouragement that didn't happen.

• the comforting that wasn't given.

• the loving support that wasn't offered.

• the loving words that weren't said.

• the sense of belonging that was never granted.

• the understanding that was never reached for.

These kinds of toxic relationships had to end because my trust and empathy had been breached and betrayed enough times. There were too many betrayals, too many gaslights, and too many broken promises that I finally reached my breaking point. I was done, so I walked away with a broken heart but pride in my soul.

Although walking away didn't always mean literally leaving, it simply meant I no longer played their games. I disengaged and did my best to build a life outside of those relationships because I understood that change wasn't coming.

I have a limited amount to time, energy and resources, and I choose to spend them in relationships that are nourishing and authentic. Also, after having gone through one of the darkest times in my life with the help of a few good people, I see no reason to keep a large social circle.

So I hit the reset button. Let's go back to being strangers.