For over a decade, I have kept a secret. Hidden behind my bright smile and bubbly personality was my inner child, sad and abandoned... until now.
Everyday I woke up and said to yourself, "I will smile, and it will be believable." The smile would tell the world and myself that I am fine. That I am no longer the sad little girl that desperately craves her parent's attention and approval despite not living up to their expectations of her.
During those years, I didn't understand the feelings of depression, anxiety and powerlessness I felt, so ignoring them seemed like the only way I could make it through. Not only do I not like what’s happening, I thought there was something wrong with me because it’s happening. In the blink of an eye I could go from “I don’t like this feeling” to “I don’t want this feeling” to “I shouldn’t have this
feeling” to “Something is wrong with me for having this feeling” to “I’m bad!”
Some of you can relate.
You may have experienced in childhood trauma that left your feeling not good enough. Or maybe your caregivers taught you that the purpose of your entire existence was to live up to their dreams for you and when you didn't, you felt unsafe and unloved. You may have experienced the kind of parenting and education aimed at breaking a child's will and making that child into an obedient subject by means of overt or covert coercion, manipulation, and emotional blackmail.
Either way, we grew up and build high walls to shield ourselves from the painful stories of our childhood in order to protect ourselves from the harsh realities of living a human life. We have never learned whether or how we can live with the knowledge that those that were meant to love and protect us, also hurt us deeply. But there is another way to feel loved, safe and protected. When we are mindful of our struggles, and respond to ourselves with compassion, kindness, and support in times of difficulty, things start to change. We can learn to embrace ourselves and our lives, despite inner and outer imperfections, and provide ourselves with the strength needed to thrive.
“And why should we talk about our painful childhood stories?" some people might say.
“What’s done is done. Why should we go over all that again?”
Although suppression and dissociation may have been necessary for your survival as a child, in adult life, it inevitably has destructive consequences. It is this unhealed trauma that creates invisible pains such as being void of boundaries, people pleasing, over-sacrificing one’s self, and a plethora of mental illnesses. We may have grown into functional members of society but there is chaos inside of us.
I myself did not know this for many years, either. But the success of my own experience of the slow integration of individual aspects of my childhood, has made me want to pass on that information to all those who suffer because they are cut off from the roots of their own being.
For example, I never had a bike when I was young, so I took up bike riding recently because it's something my inner child would love to do. I also went out to play in the rain because it's another thing my inner child always wanted to try.
Experience has taught me why the truth about our childhood is something we cannot, and should not, forgo, either as individuals or as a society. One of the reasons is that; behind the wall we erect to protect ourselves from the story of our childhood, still stands the neglected child we once were, the child that was once abandoned and betrayed.
She waits for us to summon the courage to hear her voice. She wants to be protected and understood, and she wants us to free her from her isolation, loneliness, and speechlessness.But this child who has waited so long for our attention, not only has needs to be fulfilled. She also has a gift for us, a gift that we desperately need if we truly want to live.
A gift that cannot be purchased and that the child in us alone, can bestow. It is the gift of the truth, which can free us from the prison of destructive opinions and conventional lies. Ultimately, it is the gift of security, which our rediscovered integrity will give us.The child only waits for us to be ready to approach her, and then, together, we will tear down the walls.
My belief is that the time has come for us to take the trauma from childhood and their consequences seriously. We must free ourselves of it. This does not mean that we have to repay our parents’ mistakes or ignorance in kind because they too were traumatized by those that came before them. It means that we must see them as they were, and recognize the way they treated us when we were small. Then we can spare ourselves and our children the repetition of such patterns of behavior. We need to free ourselves of the “generational trauma” carrying on its deadly effects within us. This is the only way we can heal and learn to create healthy habits and relationships.
One of my favorite Tiktok creator posted a video recently, addressing the denial of the extraordinary pain and psychological suffering inflicted on children under the guise of conventional child rearing . Such denial is demanded of us for fear of offending the parents that sacrificed so much to raise us.
Her story helped many firstborn daughters discover their own personal histories, which they had kept hidden from themselves and others. They also shared their stories in the comment section, wishing to help other women to break down the wall of silence behind which society has sought to protect itself from the truth about cruel and hurtful parenting.
It is indeed possible to resolve childhood trauma safely, and learn to live with the truth. Not all at once. But slowly, step by step, in therapy and with respect for one's own system’s defense mechanisms, recovery is possible.
Go on a healing and self-discovery journey so you become aware of the trauma and identify the reality of your own childhood by counteracting the processes of repression, disassociation and denial that is causing the invisible pains.
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