I have to admit, there are times when I have wondered if maybe I am some kind of cold-hearted b*tch. Why am I so picky about who I spent time with? Why am I so reluctant to go to parties and make new friends? I know a part of me is great at making deep meaningful connections, even with strangers. Why do I always want to leave social events shortly after arriving? Why do I get annoyed if a date with a friend turned into a group outing? Why I am not letting people in? I crave connection, sometimes. Why do weekly check-in phone calls from some family members and acquaintances get on my nerves? Why does someone showing interest in being friends with me cause me to back away slowly? Why do I love being alone so much? Why have I made a sanctuary out of my bed?
Am I shy? Mean? Judgmental? Depressed? Socially awkward? Emotionally unavailable? A misfit? Am I self-centered and unsociable? Do I hate people? Was I socially stunted?
What is wrong with me, and how could I change and be the kind of girly girl that everyone seems to prefer?
"Why?"
Because that’s not my nature. I am an introvert. And there’s not a damn thing wrong with me.
I started learning about introversion a couple of years ago, and it’s completely changed my perception of myself—for the better. I don’t hate people. I’m not unfriendly or stuck-up. I’m not entirely shy, socially awkward, or in any way (that I know of) socially inept. I am perfectly capable of carrying on a conversation. I can even speak in public and do so fairly often. When you get to know me, you might think I’m extroverted. I’m not.
The difference between an extrovert and an introvert is not that the former are good at socializing and the latter aren’t. Or that introverts dislike people and extroverts never met a stranger. Or that introverts don’t like to talk and extroverts love a nice, long chat. Or that introverts prefer books and extroverts prefer sports. In a way, it’s all of those things. And in a way, it’s none. One thing is sure, though: The more I understand introversion, the more comfortable I am with it, and with myself. So I thought I would share my observations.
The goal of this post is to spread the good word about why I, and many other introverts, are living life as introverts.
Your energy is limited
This is a basic truth of being a human being that you need to accept. Just like a car running on gas, or a battery that’s slowly drained of power with each use, you too can run out of energy. But what sets you apart from these inanimate power sources is that you have a choice. You can choose where to spend your energy resources, and you can choose to avoid the people, place and things that drain you of vigor.
"What can be so bad about hanging out with people?"
The thing about your energy is that it gives you the will to go through your day to day life – the less energy you have, the harder it becomes to cope with all the things you need to deal with. If hanging around certain people can make you feel tired and unhappy and might make it difficult to find the willingness to go through everyday life, then that can worsen your overall quality of life. But there’s more to it than just that.
Aside from making you feel tired and unwilling, this interactions can also plant seeds of anger, hate, sadness, bitterness, and other negative feelings that can have a strong impact on your outlook and the way you associate with other important people in your life.
Bad people exist
Bad or unsafe people exist all around us, and some of them might be less apparent than others. Taking the form of family members, close friends, and trusted coworkers, these people can effectively hide their true form and fool you into maintaining them in your life just so they can continue to exercise their power over your emotions.
If you have learnt to figure out how to spot them in your life, you can cut them out, shut the door, and limit your interactions with them so that you won’t have to suffer their toxicity.
This explains why a lot of people are opting out of social interactions with certain people, and instead prefer to be alone, or have a smaller social circle.
Solitude is Necessary
Never have we experienced a greater need for self-care. The modern person's day is characterized by the constantly rising pressure to juggle different elements of their lives. We are expected to cram in health pursuits, personal development, time with friends, house-keeping, trips and excursions, entertainment, fulfilling family commitments while we and our partners hold down demanding jobs.
To cope with all of this, we need to take sometime to ourselves to rejuvenate. I know I do.
A break from Over-stimulation
I enjoy both stimulating conversations and beautifully empty hours that stretch out, untouchable by clients, colleagues or friends.
I love intellectual challenges, and the sense of intimacy and connection that comes from unpacking trauma and sharing life stories. For me, the vulnerability that accompanies such an exchange is as beautiful and exciting as any game, as physically satisfying and stimulating as food (and I really like food), as emotionally fulfilling and essential as being in love.
Making friends has been both enjoyable and rewarding for me. I look back fondly on some of the times in my life because of the memories I created while interacting with good people, trying new things.
At the same time, I love serious rest, away from those interactions. I need to have idle hours to myself. It rejuvenates me. And even better than being alone is the freeing sensation of having no one to impress in that moment.
I’m often motivated to finish my work by the prospect of turning my phone off and enjoying my life while being unreachable.
So my introversion doesn’t arise from a distaste for people. It is an authentic pursuit for peace, joy and happiness while I exist on this floating rock we call home.
Rather than being self-centered and unsociable, introverts are often really the opposite. Our ability to focus on our internal world and reflect on what we are feeling and experiencing allows us to understand the external world and other human beings better. What appears to be shyness, social awkwardness or self-centeredness is actually the very talent that provides the capacity to understand what it’s like to put ourselves in someone else’s shoes.
Fellow introverts, I hope this post provided some insight because it’s time for us to stop pretending. It’s time to stop apologizing for who we are. Just because we are capable of presenting an extroverted face to the world doesn’t mean we are required to. It’s time we embrace our nature and start defending our case. Quietly.
See you in the next post.
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