In some circles, I am regarded as the girl who made it. In others, I am regarded as cautionary tale. Both groups of people are completely right and I'm fine with that. As much as I want a life free from struggle, mistakes, failures, and all the things I am incapable of doing, it has taken a lot of courage to face up to my shortcomings and humanity. It always feels easier to feed into denial, but I have grown to know that there is no shame in losing, trying, falling or starting from scratch again. It's Life.
Presently, I know who I am. I love who I am. I like what I do, and I like how I do it. I like my mistakes, I like the way I learn, and the pace with which I learn from my mistakes. Whether or not people approve of me, I love my life. And I love how I'm living it.
I wasn't always this confident in myself. Like everyone else, I have had bad days, and then really bad days. If you can relate, or if you are there at the precipice of losing yourself, I will give you the advice I wish I could have given myself when I was thirteen years old, still on the training wheels of life, when the people pleasing and self-abandonment had not yet decided to make a ghost out of me. When I could not yet understand the burnout that would later try to devour me from within.
There, alone, sitting on the floor of the bedroom I shared with my sister, making a list of people who would be happier if I was gone, it never occurred to me that the only person I really need to live for is myself. There I was, wishing, praying for love in the arms of everyone else, and it never hit me for even a second, here, just take those two arms you already have and wrap them around yourself.
If I could see her again, I would say as I say to you now:
"Look! Look at all of the things you can accomplish all on your own. You will rise, simply because you believe in yourself. You need no one else to believe in you. You will go through devastation and draw your own body out of the wreckage, time and time again. You will rescue yourself from drowning because in isolation, you taught yourself how to swim. Other people do not matter. No one on that list is coming to save you. The person who will save you, time and time again, already exists inside you. You may have been given wars in this life, but in you there lies the grace, strength and resilience to overcome. You just have to know how to be kind, patient and trusting of yourself. Become the very definition of spirit and determination. Don’t just wait for someone to come and rescue you from your discontent and strife, instead take matters into your own hands and empower your own future, her own life."
We feed ourselves so many stories of princes and saviors coming to protect us from our failures, our pain and struggles, from our demons, that we forget there is nothing more beautiful, more fulfilling, than saving ourselves and becoming our own heroes.
Here are some other things I would tell younger me (or any other young woman):
Stay flexible.
Many people fixate at a particular level of development, expecting and then demanding that life be fair, just, consistent, and predictable. Once fixated at this level, they can grow into adults who still demand that life be consistent and predictable. When it is not, they become angry, frustrated, and often depressed.
As you grow and develop, learn that life is not black and white, but many shades of gray. Sometimes things work out well, and sometimes they don’t. Be open to the fact that things do not always turn out exactly as you expected. Keep your mind open.
Mirrors aren't a whole reflection of the person you are.
When I see a young woman falling into that trap the mirror has been creating for me and every woman before me: ‘Your waist is not small enough, look at that acne, you have strange eyes,’ a thousand flaws on one small form, I would pull her aside and remind her that mirrors aren’t a true reflection of the person you are on the inside.
I would teach her that her body is her most beautiful, powerful gift. The way it heals her. The way it sacrifices for her. The way it aches. Every single one of its flaws aren’t flaws at all, they are there for a reason. I would teach her about the ocean and how she protects the many lives within her. Teach her how her body is like the ocean, protecting the many parts of her that are so alive. And eventually she will understand that everything about her is magic, and her body will breathe a sigh of relief and love her for it.
Take a small risk with someone.
If you open up a bit and tell someone a part of what you’re going through, you’ll see quickly whether they respond empathically or not. Not everyone will respond the way you want — some people are too tied up in their own worries to be caring toward others — but sooner or later you’ll find people you can truly be open with. It’s generally wise to test the waters before diving in and telling the other person everything.
Replace groups with one-on-one socializing.
When it’s just the two of you, it’s much easier to talk about personal things. Groups can be fun, but when you’re feeling down, the social struggle for position and influence that is common in groups can just make you feel worse.
Prepare yourself for rejection.
When someone makes it clear they don’t want to hear how you really feel, don’t take it personally. There are a myriad of reasons why this happens, and none of them have anything to do with your likability. But the more people you open up to, the bigger the group of supportive friends you will end up with.
Truly connecting to other people is a great antidote to depression. If you take the risk, you’ll find yourself with friends you can call on when you’re feeling down, and deeper relationships that will stop you from feeling down in the first place.
What big sister advice would you share with your younger self or other young women? Let me know down in the comments section.
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